1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £ 5.99 for the first ten words and £ 1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
Now, how can I link this to the Liberal Democrats...
I see you got a mention on the Daily Politics Iain. I'm sure Mr Soames won't mind.
Oh god. What did they say?!
They showed the blog and the story about the whale, and then put Soames head from the picture onto a picture of the whale. Couldn't tell the difference.
I hate when you email somebody and they tell you needless information about how great their life is.
"Me: Hi, did you manage to post the letter?
Them: I didn't have time, I was too busy preparing for our trip to Las Vegas next month.
Me: I don't care about your trip to Las vegas, I want to know why you didn't post the letter.
Them: We just bought a new car"
Oh dear - I wouldn't want to be in your shoes if he catches up with you.....
Get ready for the wardrobe to fall on top of you.
Jonathan - I know Iain is an on-off dieter himself, but it is scarcely credible to suggest that Soames might catch up with him. Could use a golfing buggy I suppose.
And the current diet is going very well - a stone lost in 3 weeks.
I once had the following answerphone message (in a croaky early morning voice):
You're through to the offices of heel, this is Satan speaking.
I'm sorry but I can't come to the phone right now, I'm busy burning christians.
Please leave a message after the scream.
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