Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Not Iain Dale's Predictions For 2009


  • In a surprise move the Speaker of the House of Commons Michael Martin steps down, but only on the condition that he is replaced by George Galloway. The House begs him to stay on
  • David David resigns his seat a second time in protest at the Metropolitan Police's outrageous refusal to arrest him
  • In a diplomatic disaster, during a State visit to Iraq President Obama announces he wishes to be known has President Hussein.

  • Conservative MP Damian Green charged with acting suspiciously while walking in a westerly direction and wasting Police time
  • LibDem Voice goes into meltdown over exciting news that Mrs Daphne Snodcastle of 32 Acacia Avenue, Twickenham has renewed her party membership
  • Dizzy gives up thinking for Lent

  • Sky News Political Editor Adam Boulton returns early from his American sojourn covering Obama’s First Hundred Days. “I missed interviewing Hazel Blears,” he explained
  • Lembit Opik resigns as Political Editor of the Daily Sport alleging the paper was becoming "too high brow"
  • Blogger Alex Hilton loses libel case. His website is renamed Labour Homeless

  • Barack Obama arrives in London for the G20 Summit and greets Gordon Brown with the words: “Listen punk, let’s get this straight. It didn’t start in America. Got it?”
  • The economic situation worsens with news that the last remaining shop in Oxford Street is closing down
  • Labour MP blogger Tom Harris finds himself in trouble with Labour whips after he misses a vital Commons vote to play Davros in a new episode of Dr Who

  • Gordon Brown summons Andrew Marr to Number Ten to announce a June 4 General Election. Twenty four hours later, following a disastrous YouGov marginal seats poll, he summons Marr back to say that he’s changed his mind
  • The LibDem European elections campaign gets off to a shaky start when their campaign battlebus turns out to be a Nissan Micra
  • West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola celebrates as his team win the Premier League after winning eighteen consecutive matches and Carlton Cole scores his thirtieth goal of the season. (I do apologise, I have been hallucinating)

  • UKIP leader Nigel Farage is ousted after his party’s disastrous 2% showing in the European elections. Speculation mounts that he will set up a new party called ‘In Vino Veritas’
  • Eric Pickles quits his crash diet after the first day citing irreconcilable differences with his dietician
  • The Guidoisation of politics is complete after Mr Fawkes is appointed to chair Andy Burnham's inquiry into the regulation of the blogosphere

  • Alistair Darling delivers his fourth emergency budget of the year following a decision of the Bank of England to cut interest rates to -10%. “This is a budget for savers,” he declares, as he orders bed manufacturers to make more mattresses
  • Budget saving measures are imposed at their LibDem HQ as the party is ordered to pay back the Michael Brown £2.4 million donation. LibDem News is reduced to a single sheet of A4, while biscuit rationing is introduced in Lord Rennard's office.
  • After David Dimbleby leaves Question Time, the BBC announces that Dermot O'Leary and Tess Daley will be the first in a series of guests hosts of the programme to make it more appealing to Yoof.

  • In mini reshuffle David Cameron promotes Nadine Dorries to the Shadow Cabinet, telling friends it was the only way to get her to stop blogging. The next day Nadine blogs "How dishy Dave popped the question and why I blushed."
  • Gordon Brown insists Britain is best placed to weather the economic storm despite news that the Pound has slipped to parity with the dollar. "The Pound in your pocket is unaffected," he says
  • "Je ne regrette rien," sings Alistair Darling from his bath as economic growth shrinks by a further 2%.

  • George Osborne is photographed chatting to Johnny Vegas aboard a pedalo in Cleethorpes
  • LibDem leader Nick Clegg takes his party conference by storm by telling his party faithful to "go back to your constituencies and prepare to lose seats."
  • Gordon Brown is introduced at the Labour Party conference by his six year old son John with the words: "My Dad's bigger than your Dad."

  • The Conservative Conference gets off to an unfortunate start when at a champagne reception David Cameron is heard telling delegates : “This is what I call sharing the proceeds of recession! Let’s party!”
  • ConservativeHome denies a shift in editorial direction following the appointment of John Bercow as head of its Editorial Board
  • The Irish vote to ratify the Lisbon Treaty after France threatens a nuclear attack.

  • On a state visit to the Ukraine, French President Nicolas Sarkozy enters key Ugandan discussions with Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko
  • Gordon Brown gives his Mansion House speech wearing a hair shirt
  • President Obama's poll ratings take a tumble after he threatens his children's puppy with drowning if it **** in the Oval Office just one mo' time

  • Six months ahead of his sixtieth birthday Jeremy Paxman announces he is leaving broadcasting to “find Jesus”. He added: “And when I do find him I have a number of questions I shall be asking him.”
  • The BBC announces Paxman's replacement will be Fearne Cotton but denies any hint of dumbing down its current affairs coverage
  • Good news at last for the economy when it is announced a new job has been created in Pontefract. "The upturn starts here," cheers Alistair Darling.


Derek Wall said...

Obama appoints evangelical pastor for inaugration in January who believes that dinosaurs walked the Earth with human beings, as shown in Genesis.
Pastor also has unusual views on gay rights, Jewish people and state sanctioned killing.

Anonymous said...

"their campaign battlebus turns out to be a Nissan Micra."

Would that be a yellow Nissan Micra? If the LD's are in such poor financial state then they better ditch the Yellow taxi for GE2010 and just use the 'R' registered Nissan Micra again from the european elections!

LD LD LD - Out Out Out!

LD's = LOL!

force12 said...

How long do these list-type posts go on for? February perhaps?

Alan Douglas said...

Iain, well done for finding so many things to see humour in. Only one thing will do it for me - seeing Brown going over the cliff he has shoved the UK off.

Very funny list - the best one you've done !

Alan Douglas

James Higham said...

So let's wait and see and check them off as they happen.

Happy New Year to you and Gio, Iain.

Anonymous said...

What ever happened to the daily Mirror interview with Brown that was going to rule out an election in the first half of 2009 to be released between XMAS and New years day?

Has the Mirror being colluding with NO.10 to help them shut the early election speculation down. Brown has not officially ruled it out! I wonder if the sneaky devils know it is just going to get worse and so are going to go early?

JohnofEnfield said...

Tut tut, you forgot the new Blackadder Series in November based on the NuLab era.

Stephen Fry plays Gordon Brown and is always shouting DARLING!

Mandleson plays Blackadder & Baldrick is....

Anonymous said...

Actually that is a good idea!

Neil Kinnock can play Nick Clegg as well!

I have jsut updated my blog with some fieiry revelations!

Not a sheep said...

Why did you slip one rather scary possible into a list of impossibles?
"The economic situation worsens with news that the last remaining shop in Oxford Street is closing down"

Scary indeed

Not a sheep said...

Martin Day do you mean this?

Anonymous said...

Not a sheep,

There was spin in the media that he will rule it out in a daily Mirror interview - I cannot see mention of a GE being ruled out in that or any other column over the last few days released by the Daily Mirror with interviews with Brown.

Therefore Feb 09 must still be in the running big style! The Labour spinners have bambozzled the media. Where is the comment that Brown will not hold an election?

Barnacle Bill said...

Glad to see you recognize everything happens in Ponty first Iain!
All the best for 2009.

tory boys never grow up said...

Much as I cannot stand the man's politics the jibe about Nigel Farage is very mean spirited.

Iain Dale said...

Nigel Farage would be the first to laugh, I can assure you.