It's odd being me sometimes. This lunchtime I popped down to the BBC South East studios in Tunbridge Wells to do a quick live piece on their lunchtime news programme. They then wanted to do a recorded package for the evening news programme. The reporter took me out into Calverley Park to record it. Bad move.
As soon as he set up the camera in inquisitive 13 year old approached us and wanted to know all about the camera and what we were doing. So far so good. Then a group of 15 years olds wanted to know what I was going to be talking about. They were rather well versed in the Damian Green issue, much to my surprise and went away assuring us they'd be watching tonight.
But then two of the 13 year old's friends showed up. It then became a competition between them as to who could distract me by making burping noises. I tried a softly softly approach to try to get them to shut up. The reporter was having none of it and demanded their names, telling them their behaviour was disgraceful. Perhaps not the best way to get them to shut up, I thought.
Well, you can imagine what happened then. "F*** off, you p***k," spat one of them to the reporter. "You're a c***," said the other. The third one laughed nervously. The reporter decided we'd better do it in the studio so packed up his equipment. The three of them then accompanied us back to the studio hurling insults at the report. Only when I turned to the ringleader and told him he looked ridiculous in his white tracksuit and that "it looked a bit gay", did he shut up. And the others then directed their fire at him. "Ha ha, he said you look a bit gay." Needs must.
In the middle of all that a young guy walked past and said, "hello Iain, I read your blog." I managed to stutter a "hello" and "hope you enjoy" it while keeping an eye on my phone and very expensive Christmas present, which I thought might be the next target of the three Tunbridge Wells urchins.
I am so very glad I never became a teacher - which was my original career intention. I think that by now I would be serving a prison sentence.
So if you spot me on the BBC South East News tonight in a studio, and not in the lovely Calverley park, you'll now know why.
UPDATE 6.45pm: Well, they did show the one answer I gave in Calverley Park before the little buggers did their worst. Victory!