Thursday, February 21, 2008

I Will Avoid 'Genital Shaking' in Future

I really would like to apologise to the people of Israel, the Lebanon and Jordan for any inconvenience caused by the six earthquakes which have struck the region over the last few weeks. According to today's Telegraph (so it must be true) it is all the fault of me and my ilk...

Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas party, suggested that the tremors could be stopped through the simple expedient of repealing various liberalising laws on homosexuality that have been passed by the Israeli parliament, or Knesset, in recent years... Last Sunday, to the outrage of the religious Right, the country's attorney general, Meni Mazuz, ruled that same-sex couples should be allowed to adopt children. In what Mr Benizri clearly believes is no coincidence, the first of last week's quakes hit the country just two days later."Why do earthquakes happen? One of the reasons is the things to which the Knesset gives legitimacy, to sodomy," Benizri said during a parliamentary debate on earthquake preparedness. Stopping "passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes," would represent a cost-effective method of preventing future earthquakes, he continued.

"We are looking for earthly solutions, how to prevent them," he said. "I have another way to prevent earthquakes. The Gemara says that one of the reasons earthquakes happen - which the Knesset (parliament) legitimises - is homosexuality. "God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up," he added.

It is sometime since I realised I had made the earth move. I promise in future to resist the temptation of any genital shaking in the hope that further earthquakes may be avoided. I thank you.

43 comments:

strapworld said...

Did the earth move for you then Iain?

Typhoo said...

LOL thank you for cheering me up on a drab afternoon. However, you need to get with it, its not shaking your genitals anymore, its shaking your booty lol.

Good one!!

asquith said...

I like a nice pair of lesbians myself.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Yes Iain, it's all your fault. And that David Boothroyd. And a few others who have been sitting at the keyboard shaking their genitals in the direction of other men.

It's blowing a bloody gale up here. All down the road, the weely bins are scattered and my chickens are cowering in their shed, so whatever it is you are doing, stop it now.

Scapegoating? Moi?

tachybaptus said...

Iain, are you asserting that shaking your genitals in England is causing earthquakes in Israel?

If so, countless Muslims all over the world will be joining al-Gayda and engaging in holy sodomy until the hated Zionist state slides into the sea.

Anonymous said...

Lol...looks like someone has been talking bollocks in the name of God!

Anonymous said...

Sodom and Gomorrah!!

machiavelli said...

Tel Aviv has a world-renowned gay scene... and all those Israeli conscripts - wow

Sorry...

judith said...

So, Mr Dale, Krakatoa vas all your fault ..... und maybe zat Mediterranean eruption in BC votever .... you zink you are all so cleffer, you Tories!!!

(Actually, we all know it was Mrs Thatcher's fault)

kozmicstu said...

...That is why people die, and children go unfed!

sockpuppet said...

Genital shaking doesn't sound much fun to me. Sounds like a disease.

But I remember an earthquake in Birmingham in 2002.

That was the year that same sex adoption was made legal in the UK (Adoption and children act 2002)

It is all your fault!

I bet that whirwind in Kensal Rise was you too.

honestly. wingnuts the lot of them.

Anonymous said...

Don't go messing in the sea then Iain. You could be responsible for the next Tsunami!

Anonymous said...

This is a cheap shot, Iain. The Moslems and the Christians don't condone homosexuality either.

And there are an awful lot of people who don't like homosexuality. That is not a crime. Intolerance and hatred of homosexuals is, thankfully, a crime.

But you can't legislate to make the whole world like homosexuals, any more than you can force the English to like the Welsh, or force Scots to support England at the football.

And I am yet to be convinced that the very real rights of gay people to live together without fear or favour from the authorities also includes the right to a parenting experiment on a scale we have not yet seen, just to make a political point about equality and diversity.

Anonymous said...

mazel tov and pass the crisco

Anonymous said...

As a matter of interest, is it ok if I shake my genitals to myself or to women?
Confused of Milton Keynes

dozzy said...

While we are all having a good laugh at those funny foreigners from the middle east, let's remember that some of our own English bishops believe exactly the same. The Rt Rev Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle, has gone on record as saying that last summer's floods were caused by the government's legislation on equal rights for gays. Here are his actual words:

The Sunday Telegraph reports that the Bishop of Carlisle, the Rt Rev Graham Dow (pictured), believes "laws that have undermined marriage, including the introduction of pro-gay legislation, have provoked God to act by sending the storms that have left thousands of people homeless".

Further details can be found on the internet, for example:

www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/ni/2007/07/that_flood_again.html

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/01/nflood201.xml

Maybe if we want to combat climate change we should find some gay people and stone them to death.

Note for readers from other countries: the Church of England is the established church in this country, which means that a number of its bishops have the right to sit in parliament without being elected and make laws which the rest of us have to obey.

Anonymous said...

c'mon anon 5:20pm. Iain's point was about religionists who claim the earthquakes are a result of their god/s' wrath at homosexuality.

and not all Jews/Christians/Moslems disapprove of homosexual marriage/adoption.

You have made a number of category errors here. Lighten up.

Anonymous said...

this is ridiculous. everybody knows its hedgehogs which cause earthquakes.

its the early spring weather thats to blame

Paul Burgin said...

Reminds me of the comments some people made when Yorkminster burnt down twenty years ago, supposedly due to the enthronement of the then Bishop of Durham.
Taking this even remotely scientifically, the quick answer that may confound some of them is why do these things not happen in every country when such a liberal law is put forward!

Newmania said...

'Sodom and Gomorrah!!'

What did they do in Gommoroh ?..As I always ask. I didn`t know that David Boothroyd was gay. He always seems so butch . I take a Liberal attitude to honmosexulaity myself . It seems to me that if you are going to be spending an eternity with a hot poker up your arse in hell then the least we can do is let them have a little fun now ...:)

the butterfly effect said...

anon 6:32pm

I guess if a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan can cause a hurricane in Florida then it stands to reason that a hedgehog waking up in England can cause an earthquake in Israel.

Anonymous said...

newmania said "What did they do in Gommoroh".

failed to meet their EU targets on recycling apparently

lesson to us all.

Anonymous said...

dozzy said...
"Note for readers from other countries: the Church of England is the established church in this country, which means that a number of its bishops have the right to sit in parliament without being elected and make laws which the rest of us have to obey."

So how many members of the House of Lords have been elected?

Geoff said...

It is a bit windy here and has just started to rain.

Are you behaving yourself?

Anonymous said...

In fairness to the man upstairs, I'm not sure that it says anywhere in the Bible, Torah or Koran that the shaking of one results in the shaking of the other. I think a human being can be blamed for that, pure and simple. However, if someone else can quote 'chapter and verse' [or the equivalent] then I would be willing to bow to their greater knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Israeli society is alot more intolerant than people realise- theres an overwhelming intolerance and inter-jewish racisim bubbling beneath the surface. We just don;t like to talk about it too much- but it's a time bomb waiting to erupt. Non-European Jews are treated like dirt- non Jews are treated as sub-human. It's really quite sad.

tachybaptus said...

For Islam, the association of genital shaking with earthquakes is alluded to in a hadith, that is, an acepted record of a saying of Muhammad collected by one of his associates:

'When a man mounts another man, the throne of God shakes.'

More details here; obviously a polemical page but I have read of the minaret manoeuvre in more sober books, and always wondered why Stage 2 was considered necessary.

2 pack shaker said...

tachybaptus said "'When a man mounts another man, the throne of God shakes.'"

or in modern parlance as Kanye West might say: "when a man shakes his thang wit another dude Ja gettin jiggy wit it on da stoop, ya all with me?."

Anonymous said...

How amusing these batty little Middle Eastern cults are. The things they believe....

Remind me again, where did Christianity come from?

tachybaptus said...

Still trying to answer Anon 8.39's question on scriptural basis: there is a serious attempt to examine Benizi's claim in the light of Jewish doctrinehere; and the verdict is that it is unfounded.

A pretty thorough proximity search of an electronic text of the Old and New Testaments turns up nothing, apart from a general tendency of God to make the earth tremble.

Jimmy said...

Remember what happened when you lot showed to the electorate that you would like to shake your genitals. If I remember an eathquake shook the ground in the Lib Dem direction. I am not very good at remembering, but wasnt it 2005 at the general election in Havant, North Norfolk and Falmouth and Camborne.

asquith said...

I wouldn't mount another man, but I wouldn't mind shaking the throne of God. Sounds like it would make a good heavy metal song title.

fish out of water said...

Earlier on today, apparently, a woman rang the BBC and said she heard there was a earthquake on the way... well, if you're watching, don't worry, there isn't!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure this is what he said ?

Perhaps he said 'Gentle Shaking' ?

Or that he was talking about Shaking the Gentiles, and was misheard ?

R. Akiba said...

In a way, the guy's right. Gays are one reason why the Jewish population of Israel is not increasing. It won't be long before Arabs will be a majority in Jerusalem. Then the earth will shake with bombs and mortar shells.

Newmania said...

Sort of off topic but ....

I `m sure the Conservative Party has largely lost its always un earned reputation for being against gays and alternative life style choosers nonetheless it remains irremediably uncool.


Your ‘alter ego’ (ho ho)Tara Hamilton-Miller reports on Conservative City Circle . Its co chairman is Richard Spring and its sort of a get to know you between Conservatives and the City. It has a youth arm called City Future where she says
“ Thrusting young people can network , exchange views and possibly sleep with each other “
“ With unsociable long hours it must be helpful to know that someone shares at least some of your politics before you attempt lack lustre City Boy sex. You either a) Lose your cufflinks or b) Find a wife


We(in my association) were thinking about doing some talks the local colleges to young people interested in Politics attempting to get them interested in Conservatism and centre right . Now this sort of imagery , toffs and the privileged braying and copulating, is poison .Lord knows what it looks like to New Statesman readers ........
Why must young Conservatives always be so uncool . This brand association is more important than any single policy because if you remain the Capstan full strength (dying out) option you won’t get hearing ( as Peter Hitchin’s uncomfortably pointed out last night )


I think we have to consider how the Party is portrayed by the silly squeaking spotty nerds in its junior ranks more carefully and in general try much harder to involve ordinary people from the start. Otherwise the Capsatn full strength jibe will get truer and truer.


Conswervative Future is Conservative Past and does not help

asquith said...

THRUSTING!

Anonymous said...

One way to test the theory would be to organise a mass orgy of sodomites in the presence of seismometers to see to what extent the earth really does move.

neil craig said...

What an ignorant bunch. Everybody knows earthquakes are caused by the invention of the lightning conductor.

evolvefish.com/freewrite/franklgt.htm

Cath said...

This is why censorship is wrong. The freedom to take the p*** out of absurd outdated opinion is essential in a mature society.

Anonymous said...

So are they saying that gay sex causes earthquakes or that God's displeasure caused it? It is not completely clear.

Jupiter said...

This explains why they have so many earthquakes in San Francisco.

Anonymous said...

Does that mean Israel is suffering from SGGS - Shaken Gentile Gential Syndrome...

Needless to say, if Palestine didn't get affected, is that because Hamas secretly loves gays?

Or do they have a counter-weapon in the shape of a giant vulva?

It's all rather confusing really

Carl Eve