Sunday, February 15, 2009

When Women Abuse Men

One of the great un-talked about social issues of our time is domestic violence ... towards men. Most men don't talk about because they are too embarrassed. No man likes to admit it can even happen. It's the sort of thing that if it happens, it happens to other people. There are 500 refuges for female victims of domestic violence. How many refuges are there for male victims? Twelve.

I've been reading up on this subject after getting an email from Mark Brookes, the chairman of Mankind, a charity whose remit is to help male victims of domestic violence. If you're interested, read THIS and THIS to gain a wider perspective on the issue. And THIS thread on HAVE YOUR SAY is deeply worrying.


Doug said...

The worst thing is that many men have an old fashioned view of women and it seeps through into the criminal justice system were women will get more lenient sentences because of some myth about the fairer sex. Equal rights has been a one way street for a long while (arguably it needed to be) but now there has to be a reckoning. Jowell and Harperson would rather talk about petty issues like female equality in the sodding Olympics but where are senior male politicians talking about domestic violence against men and the marginalisation of fatherhood.

Newmania said...

The asymmetry of the divorce laws due to presumption the father cannot have the children creates a sever power imbalance that is often exploited by a woman.

There are more kinds of abuse than physical , and many men are mistreated appallingly badly over long periods . Established wisdom is men bad women good , it was hardly likely to be true was it

A Voter said...

I am a woman and I am increasingly sickened by the way that advertisers belittle men, I am sure that this must have an adverse effect on peoples perceptions of a mans worth. A lot of women seem to have the idea that it is their right to be abusive as some sort of payback to men in general.

Unknown said...

I am very concerned by this post.

This supposed 'abuse' - of men by women - is really a right-wing, anti-feminist distraction from what should be our main goal of eliminating domestic violence which in 99% of cases is men abusing women. Too many women fear to speak out against abuse from their partners as it stands. The promotion of this contrived 'violence on men inflicted by women' is only going to exacerbate that problem.

Iain, please think about the consequences before going along with this agenda in future.

Iain Dale said...

Lenin Cymru, so are you saying that this is a non issue? All domestic violence should be of concern, whether it is man on woman, woman on man, woman on woman or woman on man. By highlighting this, I do not for a moment pretend that male violence on women isn't a massive problem. And shame on you for your suggestion that this is a right wing anti women agenda. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sobers said...

I wondered how long it would take before the feminazis descended on this post. Four posts I see.

For what its worth, the only person I know who was domestically abused was a man. His wife was about twice the size of him, and he often had bruises on his arms. But I suppose he doesn't count, as he's part of the patriarchy eh?

Anonymous said...

I think GBH of the eardrums is a serious area of abuse! Sadly I do not think the flippant area i refer to is the one you focus on.

Abuse on either side of a relationship is wrong. When ever i see a woman being abused whether verbally or physically I wonder why a woman would stay with a man like that. Likewise a man being given the same stick back is not right either. Some people are horrible - how that can be seen as an attractive trait i don't know.

Raedwald said...

Contrary to popular belief, men abused by women could equal women abused by men; the propensity to abuse is not logically concentrated in either sex but is rather a human phenomenon.

Strange that those who proclaim woman's equality in every area of life are in denial that women are also equally capable of domestic abuse.

All responsible practitioners in this area will encourage organisations that assist men in escaping from abusive relationships, and in changing police culture to allow the perpetrators to be pursued and prosecuted.

Lady Finchley said...

Lenin Cymru - Your name says it all - another left wing conspiracy theorist.

The Grim Reaper said...

Lenin Cymru, you are a tosspot. Women only want equality when it suits them. The perfect example of this is the pensions system. Men can retire at 65, women can retire at 60. If there was equality, both sexes would have the same retirement age. But you don't see the bra-burners going on about that inequality, do you?

Unknown said...

And of course 'Lady Finchley' doesn't suggest anything. No silver spoons stuck anywhere in your anatomy...

How does it feel being part of a British establishment that murdered hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis, is content to have one of the worst levels of income inequality in the Western world and has as many as one in five children growing up in poverty.

Anonymous said...

I often wonder how much domestic abuse by males is in retaliation to incessant verbal abuse from the woman.I have seen that first hand in close family and can only be thankful it wasn't me as I wouldn't have the same restraint.It has influenced my view of women all my life.
How fair is it that if a woman slapped me,thats ok,if I slapped her back it would be assault,so much for equality.

Philipa said...

Look, the fact of the matter is that generally speaking men are bigger and stronger than women. Of course there are exceptions and a contributor here has commented that in the case of violence against a man he is aware of the woman was bigger and stronger. Those who are inclined to violence usually act on it against a weaker subject. As men are generally bigger and stronger than women then QED. Yet the contributor who commented that most violence is against women is villified by you lot. They were stating a fact. There seem to be complaints about women nagging. Well
1) you married her - for better or worse
2) if you were that great she wouldn't have to nag
3) if you don't like it leave
4) and stop nagging to us

Anonymous said...

1.she also married you for better or worse so why keep complaining.
2.she also presumably knew what she was getting into or did she think to change him after marriage.
3.Leave and she gets everything,maybe thats what she really wanted/planned.Lot of them mentions their children,I know just how vindictive a woman can be.First hand experoence of my own mother.
4.One article and your already demanding we stop nagging.After all the years of only men do domestic violence!!
Shoe...foot come to mind.

Barnacle Bill said...

Watch out Canvas will be on demanding you apologize for being ... well something knowing Canvas!

Newmania said...

How does it feel being part of a British establishment that murdered hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis,

Hey Lenin Cymru

How does it feel to be part of the nutty left who applauded the murder of Americans Kurds , torture on a mass scale and blame the allies for Iraqui`s killing each other sought deny democracy to Iraq and have kissed every Islamic fascist they can get their lips on. Mmmoooaaa !
In America 14% live on 40% or less of the median here about 5% although that figure has got worse under New Labour so wrong there .

.By the ‘Western World ‘ you presumably mean the stagnant economies of Europe not that any valid comparison can be made. They are the only economies whose growth rate even Brown has out done .
Pity we did because by poverty you mean less than 60% of the median which keeps going up. Well lucky you we are getting so much poorer now that those ‘in poverty’ are getting less by the hour.Clap clap clap well done Labour ! Great news !

Incidentally I don’t know what Cymru means . Is it the conspiracy to introduce selection to Welsh schools ,exclude the working classes from public sector jobs and pander to the EU`s plan to break up the country into bumptious little nothing regions ? Does it mean a great big begging bowl to the English tax payer, with over half of its economy state bunce ?
Couldn`t say , I know it is on the end of Sianel Pedwar Cymru which we also fund and gets a pathetic 7.7/% of the Welsh watching

God knows but no-one cares anyway

Dick Puddlecote said...

Sit down. Shut up. It ain't happening.

That seems to be the reaction to anyone that mentions possible abuse by females over males.

With all due respect. Bollocks. If you've ever had an iron fly so close to your head that you feel the air displace about your ears, merely for expressing a differing opinion, you'd understand.

It does happen, it is not imagined, and even if one leaves (as one commenter suggests), one still faces the fact that one can be denied access to kids (no help from Labour on that score), and that the kids can be poisoned against their Dad.

Do you want sexual equality or not? Make your bloody minds up.

Thanks for bringing this up Iain, it's a real issue.

The Grim Reaper said...

Dick Puddlecote said "With all due respect. Bollocks. If you've ever had an iron fly so close to your head that you feel the air displace about your ears, merely for expressing a differing opinion, you'd understand."

I agree. A few years ago, I was with a woman whom I thought was perfectly respectable. I'd been warned that she had a temper on her, but I thought I knew best and ignored those warnings. One day, out of the blue, she went into a really violent rage and threw an iron at me. It missed me by about 3 inches. Following that incident, she was very quickly dumped.

At least I had an advance warning. Most cases of domestic violence, that doesn't happen.

JuliaM said...

"This supposed 'abuse' - of men by women - is really a right-wing, anti-feminist distraction from what should be our main goal of eliminating domestic violence..."

Ha ha ha ha! Good one! Great parody of a humourless leftwi...


This was a serious comment?

Anonymous said...

"Feminazi" -- what is the charge? Someone who says "Of course my gender is superior", "You are the wrong gender, your voice does not count", "There is no real comparison", "Stop complaining, your suffering doesn't matter", "Your stats are suspect, my friend's pain must be addressed" etc etc

Interesting! Feminazis are outnumbered round here by their exact male counterparts.

Unknown said...

When Harrier Hatemenperson changed the law to make the murder of a husband legal you knew the loons had taken over the asylum

John said...

I think there needs to be a reckoning. I've a friend who has a divorced son, and the ex wife is not allowing their father to see them. Make no bones about it, she is running rings around the law to restrict and deny visits at every turn. As a consequence my friend is unable to see her grand children who she was very attached to.
As a result every body is hurting.

Domestic abuse is wrong wrong wrong, no matter who perpetrates it, so to are many many women, vindictive toward ex partners.

Lets face it ladies , we are mothers for both sexes, and an equilibrium needs to be found, where less hurt comes about for all concerned.

I've been married for 34 years and any person who takes abuse once is a fool, if they take it twice they deserve it for hanging around after the first episode of abuse.

I think it was an excellent idea to highlight this issue, and good on Iain for doing it. It needs aired, good on yer Iain.

Dick the Prick said...

Philipa - a lot of blokes were taught not to hit girls. The stats on booze and DV are eye watering.

It is a proper taboo subject tho. At college a mature student told a buddy and me he was abused by his missus and we laughed and took the piss - bad form.

Obviously, I was a kid and have learned a bit since. There's also gay DV too which is an issue too.

I think the defn these days is 'financial, emotional or physical' - hmm.

Mark Thompson said...

Remember a while back when Rebekah Wade was questioned about allegedly assaulting her partner Ross Kemp (Grant Mitchell from Eastenders)? What was particularly hypocritical about this was that The Sun was running a campaign to stop domestic violence at the time but the situation was just shrugged off by Wade.

Some reaction in the media was of derision that Kemp had "allowed" her to hit him. That sort of attitude makes my blood boil. If he had even have restrained her physically then he could have been done for assault himself, and maybe he is just a gentle person. There is no excuse for domestic violence of any sort.

I was listening to some local radio station just after this and they had a "sketch" where one person pretended to be Kemp who burst into tears for having been beaten up by his girlfriend. They all thought it was absolutely hilarious. I suspect they would not have been allowed to broadcast such a sketch if a famous female had been assaulted by her famous male partner.

Lady Finchley said...

Lenin Cymru - Crikey, you are thick as well as a loony leftie. 'Lady' Finchley is a non de plume you numpty - silver spoon indeed. Your facile arguments are too dreary for me to counter. I will say one thing though - the 'poverty' you speak about is relative poverty and the same 'poor' families all have satellite tv, top of the range stereo equipment, several computers and always have money to spend on takeaways, fags and beer. You only have to look at the Karen Matthews of the UK. It is these parents who deprive their children, not me. And before you say anything - I have been unemployed and know what it is like to live on the breadline and give up my food so my child could eat. I didn't have any spare change for beer and fags.

As to the rest of you who thinks a man can be nagged into abusing a woman - shame on you. Do you think a woman who was raped provoked it? There's a lot of male anger here, DMC - I am sorry to say it but you have that kind of simmering anger against women that makes me very uncomfortable.

Belfast Chick - you say you don't know why people stick around for abuse - well it is usually insidious - starts as controlling behaviour, talking you into thinking you're nothing, he/she alienates you from friends and family - then there is the financial aspect. Many people can't afford to leave. Finally, there is the deep sense of shame - something about being abused makes you feel so low-rent even though domestic abuse spans all the social classes. So, it ain't that easy - for men or women who are victims of domestic abuse.

Dave Snark said...

'Lenin Cymru' has now deleted his disgusting blogpost at his blog. It's a pity he can't delete the comments he made here.

Leonardo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leonardo said...

I have seen a survey that stated 13% of women report being abused by men while 18% of men report being abused by women.

I wouldn't wish to use that survey to say that more men than women are abused but I would say that Lenin is talking out of his/her hat (Didn't he always).

verismo said...

I read the three comments you directed us to on the question of domestic violence against males. However, I noticed that several of the headlines and sub-headings were VERY MISLEADING and I'm wondering whether this is yet another ply by the BBC to mislead the public which seems to be a BBC hobby at the moment.
I refer to the use of the term "male domestic violence". This means "domestic violence by males" just as "male singing" means "singing by males". In one place the headline was "Are you a victim of male domestic violence?" which means "Have you been subjected to violence by a male?" The headline should have been: "Are you a MALE VICTIM of domestic violence?"

John said...

Lady Finchley,


Are they slow learners? A lot of these women move from one abusive relationship to another, do they never learn? O and don't forget they must have a kid to seal the relationship, then on to the next one to repeat the cycle.....

yeah, heard it and seen it, so what is your point exactly?

Lady Finchley said...

Belfast Chick

Are you sure you are a woman because you are one smug bi-ach.

Try walking in somebody else's shoes before you come off with your intolerant, superior attitude but then again, there is a lot of intolerance on your side of the Irish sea.

John said...

In other words you have no point?

Lady Finchley said...

You're not related to Iris Robinson, are you, Belfast? or maybe you are her - it would go a long way in explaining your smug intolerance.

Lady Finchley said...

Ooo Belfast Chick - you are a proper little lay-dee aren't you?
Knitting, embroidery and Celine Dion - oh my!

And my point is - you are a nasty, self rightous little bigot with no compassion. I do hope you don't have children though I suspect you have a passle of brats. God forbid one of your sons or daughters were the victim of domestic abuse - you'd turn them out into the road, double quick, wouldn't you, dearie?

Dick the Prick said...

Repeat victimization - more common than you'd think.

Unknown said...

It is ignorant to believe that abuse is a gender issue and that only men can abuse women. An abuser can be a male or a female who has been damaged by the environment they were brought up in. The UK seems to be a little more progressive in the studies I found on a government site. the studies show it closer to being equally both sexes who abuse.

My son and my family have been through hell for the last five years and experienced first hand that women do abuse men.

My daughter in law was abusing my son and until this came out in the open I did not understand why he stayed with her for so long; all of the puzzle pieces of the previous years came together. I realized he was exhibiting abused woman syndrome.

She would call the police and say he hit her. The police would come and see absolutely no evidence of anything wrong with her and leave. The third time she did it, they police had to arrest him even though there was no evidence. He faced 6 years in prison, but refused to plea bargain, saying he was not going to confess to something he did not do. In the end it was sent to grand jury and dropped for lack of evidence. However, he still has a record for it going to trial.

Also, during the last 5 years she has gotten 2 orders of protection, only for herself and her parents, never the children. If he is such a monster, then why didn't she include the children on the order?

Her parents know that she lies, but they always back her up and because of this it seems she has witnesses. This family is reminisent of the Anthony family who are backng up thier daughter Casey, who is being charged with the murder of thier granchild. I cannot even comprehend this type of behavior.

My daughter in law exhibits all of the symptoms of pyschopathy, however I am not a psychologist and cannot diagnose her as one. She exhibits every single symptom to the maximum.

My husband and I do not have a relationship with the grandchildren. We only allow them in our house when we have a family gatherings...meaning lots of witnesses. We know she has no boundries to what she is capable of instigating or the lies she and her family will tell. We don't want to risk the damage she could do us personally, after witnessing what she has done to our son.

Recently, she was charged by the FBI with interstate commerce, running an escort service and conspiracy. She faces 35 years in prison for exploiting other women in interstate prostitution. It will take years to prosecute and meantime, because of the paper trail she created for my son, she is under house arrest, in her parent's house with my grandchildren.

I hope and pray they will be safe until his attorney can get temporary custody. I am very afraid of what she would do to them, just to keep him from gaining custody. I am very afraid of what she will try to continue to do to my son in order to prevent him having custody. Nothing is beyond her.

So please, to the women on here, do not make this a gender issue...please, to the men on here making feminazi comments...stop. I am a liberal feminist and am against men abusing women AND women abusing men. The name calling and the defensivness are not helping anyone who is a victim whether they are male or female, conservative or liberal.

These situations of abuse are painful and torturous to live through. They affect real people's lives. This is important. It is not about taking sides, it is about helping the victim out of a horrible situation and about helping the abuser get rehabiliation if possible and keeing people safe.