Sunday, December 31, 2006

Top Ten Most Unlikely Predictions for 2007

1. Ming Campbell leaves Lady Elspeth for a Cheeky Boy
2. John McDonnell gets 44 nominations to enable him to run against Gordon Brown
3. The SNP win the Sedgefield By Election
4. Arise Sir John Yates
5. Cherie Blair turns down free holiday to Mustique courtesy of Richard Branson
6. George Pascoe-Watson or Kevin Maguire write a story slagging off Gordon Brown
7. In Shadow Cabinet reshuffle Lord Lawson is appointed Shadow Environment Minister
8. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown concedes that the British Empire might not have been all bad
9. Saddam Hussein spotted at lunch with Elvis and Princess Diana in Little Chef on the A1
10. Bruce Anderson writes column criticising David Cameron

Feel free to add more. You know you want to...


Anonymous said...

Everyone knows Elvis is alive and well, living in Norfolk, so what's so unlikely about No. 9.

Anonymous said...

8. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown concedes that the British Empire might not have been all bad

Yep, slavery and colonial rule; just what the natives needed!:D

Anonymous said...

Daily Express runs with any of the following stories -

"Diana: Stevens Was Right"
"Fayed: I Was Wrong About Crash"
"Express Chief Commits Paper To Serious News Coverage"

Anonymous said...

4. is quite likely. It'll be on Gordon's recommendation when Toni gets banged up.

11. Guido unmasked as Polly Toynbee.

12. Tony Benn seeks political asylum in the US.

13. Tory Party announces policies.....

14. .....They seem... well, conservative.

Anonymous said...

Guido unmasked as Polly Toynbee? Tim Montgomerie more like!

Anonymous said...

Johann Hari will realise why people hate chavs - not out of snobbery, but because they're horrible, anti-social idiots full of their own noisy self-importance.

Or he'll write a column about Northern Ireland in which he knows what he's talking about.

After a cliche box is started at the Indy, he will also stop using the phrase 'And yet'/'And yet. And yet'.

Polly Toynbee will, meanwhile, write a column renouncing her previous praise for Swedish social democracy, and will criticise David Cameron for not embracing a flat tax.

Comment is Free will stop reminding anyone who didn't need reminding that there are as many sh*ts, w*nkers and nutters on the left as there are on the right.

What's more, should (God forbid) there be any other terrorist atrocity in the UK, nobody - absolutely nobody - on Comment Is Free will blame Mossad.

Cherie Blair will stop freeloading. If she's invited to take a few things at a store, she'll do exactly that. She won't walk off with thousands of pounds worth of stuff.

Amanda Platell will stop slagging off other women for being (in her eyes) cosmetically challenged. She will write a column for the Daily Mail apologising to every other woman she's slagged in those terms, including Cherie Blair and Colleen Mcloughlin. It will conclude 'After all, what with looking like a distempered horse, I'm really not one to judge any other woman's appearance - and it's so unsisterly'.

Steve Richards will stop being so dishonest about Europe. He'll stop pointing to how the trains are better in Germany - or, if he does, he'll mention that such good services are down to their own domestic legislation, not the EU.

The Guardian will stop running dishonest stories about what it regards as a non-existent PC attack on Christmas. It certainly won't run stories knocking down a few straw men, while deliberately omitting the examples of PC attacks on Christmas which are true.

Waterstone's booksellers will finally realise that Noam Chomsky is a nasty piece of work who still refuses to recognise that the Khmer Rouge committed genocide in Cambodia. If he publishes a book in 07, it will not get the usual reverential 'Waterstone's recommends' puffs.

Ed Balls will become an accomplished TV performer.

Not a single copy of David Blunkett's memoirs will be found in a remaindered shop like The Works. Think you'll find a copy for £1? Dream on.

This year's Big Brother will not be a freak show or car crash TV.

Peter Hain, even if he is elected deputy leader, will stop being such a humourless, careerist, perman-tanned tosspot. He, and other Europhiles, will also stop accusing Eurosceptics of xenophobia. They will finally realise that we don't dislike people in Europe (and that we even holiday there), we just don't want closer political and economic integration with them. They will also stop using exhausted and meaningless transport cliches ('musn't miss the boat, 'musn't miss the train')

Iain Dale will become a Spurs fan.

Damian McBride, when made No10 press secretary, will absolutely not remind anyone of the worst excesses of Alistair Campbell. Nobody will remember why he's been nicknamed Damian McPoison.

Lemit Opik will appear on Celebrity Love Island.

Jeremy Paxman will stop making digs at his Newsnight colleagues.

George Allen, in the most miraculous revival since that of Lazarus, will become frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

Charles Whelan will write something negative about Gordon Brown, and something positive about Tony Blair.

Margaret Beckett will become the best Foreign Secretary since Ernest Bevin.

The Daily Express will admit that the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, was just an accident. Or it will use the following headline about Romanian immigrants, 'Come on in - the more the merrier!'

The TV won't be full of adverts for DFS and World of Leather over Christmas and New Year.

Iain Blair will say something sensible.

Rowan Williams will stop mumbling.

The Pope won't upset anyone.

There will be no raised voices or crying in Eastenders.

Everyone will think Internet Explorer 7 is marvellous (and not horribly clunky).

Nothing ridiculous will be said at any of the teaching union conferences.

Jens Lehmann will stop being an irascible and precious martinet. He will give his shirt to opposing fans instead of kicking water bottles at them.

All the gloryhunters will keep wearing their Chelsea replica shirts if Chelsea don't win anything this season.

Not a single activist in any of the political parties will wonder, while electioneering, why it's always the same people who always seem to do the work in their branch, and how this reminds them of other organisations such as PTAs.

Anonymous said...

Margaret Beckett bans Caravans
BBC criticised for right wing stance

Anonymous said...

8. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown concedes that the British Empire might not have been all bad

The fact she is here proves that the Empire was a failure.

Paul Burgin said...

I liked the little touch of adding the Little Chef on No 9 :) Maggie thatcher fan, some people actually think the BBC is right wing strangely enough, I am not one of them, although when an organisation is attacked from both left and right (defining loosely here) then I think that it might not be so bad

Anonymous said...

Tony Blair banging on his cell door and shouting "Get me out of here, I'm a celebrity"

Anonymous said...

Leon, you seem to be rather ill-read. We didn't have slaves. It was the British that abolished slavery and even used our Navy to intercept ships carrying slaves and turn them back. The slave trade was an African-muslim partnership.

Colonial rule was a good thing. That was when they prospered. Too bad that when we left, everything fell apart and they've been basket cases ever since. Except India, which goes from strength to strength.

Meanwhile, the BBC does a slavishly admiring 26-part series on the Thatcher years.

Abdullah Bakri says there's a lot wrong with islam and that it needs a Reformation along the lines of Christianity and Judaism. He added that muslim women who wear niqabs are stupid, attention-seeking bints.

Susan Sarandon votes for George Bush as her most admired American.

In a TV interview, Jacques Chirac says he prefers Cheddar cheese to Brie, adding, "French cheeses are for wimps".

Anonymous said...

"Guido unmasked as Polly Toynbee? Tim Montgomerie more like!"

May I draw your attention to this wikipedia article...

Anonymous said...

Chirac also lets slip that he can't stand Dijon mustard and always uses Coleman's English Mustard at the Elysée Palace.

Anonymous said...

the new constitution: Thank's for the link. It was purely a guess based on a comment on Guido's blog that he had not predicted his bike getting pinched in 2006, and as I knew that Tim had had his bike pinched from outside of 18DS...How can anybody get on their bike as per Norman Tebbitt if they all keep getting pinched?

Anonymous said...

How's about jailhouselawyer showing the slightest remorse for the foul killing that he alone is responsible for?

Don't hold your breath.

Anonymous said...

Haven't you got your 10s the wrong way round?

Anonymous said...

Dave produces a policy

wonkotsane said...

DK writes a post for his blog that you could read to your granny without censoring. ;o)

Anonymous said...

Dave dumps Hilton/gimmicks.

Anonymous said...

anonymous 11.17: I rely upon 2 Court of Appeal decisions which state that my conduct shows a strong indication of remorse.

Pehaps, you should hold your breath for the required amount of time it takes for you to expire?

Anonymous said...

Desperate to meet the mortgage payments on their £10m house in London, Tony and Cherie Blair turn over a branch of Westminster Bank and make a Bonnie and Clyde-style getaway. They are still on the lam and Cliff Richards has said,from Switzerland, where he is a guest of tax exile Johnny Halliday, he believes they are headed for Barbados. He added that he has locked up his house and posted armed guards around the perimeter of the property.

Meanwhile Robin Gibb and his wife, who are borrowing Mohammad Fayed's house in Paris, have announced that they have sold their Florida property to a mystery buyer and no longer have the keys. Speaking from Caracas, where he is recuperting from surgery as a house guest of Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro says it was he who bought the Gibb's house in Florida as he has always wanted to go to Miami like the rest of his countrymen.

Chavez, en route to Belgium, where he is borrowing Peter Mandelson's boyfriend Reinaldo, said he has placed the the Venezuelan real estate industry on high alert.

It is believed the Blairs, who are desperate for a house to borrow, may take refuge in a mosque in Muscat and Oman and be gunned down before Friday prayers.

Anonymous said...

1. Ken Clarke defects to UKIP
2. Robert Kilroy-Silk wins Celebrity Big Brother
3. West Ham finish in comfortable mid-table position and reach the quarter-finals of the FA Cup [enough - this is getting silly]

Little Black Sambo said...

Paul Burgin on the BBC:
"When an organisation is attacked from both left and right... then I think that it might not be so bad."
Just what the BBC says: "We've got the balance about right."

Anonymous said...

Re: anonymous 11.17.
Your statement regarding 2 Courts of Appeal who have acknowledged your remorse is the first indication that I have seen on this, or any other blog, of any remorse whatsoever. If you are truly remorseful, please reiterate the fact for our mutual benefit.

I am somewhat concerned that your statement is then countered by your wish that I should expire due to asphyxia.
Do you really mean this?
If so, that would clearly indicate to me that your remorse for your foul deed is no more than superficial.

Please say that it isn't so.

Pehaps (sic) "sorry seems to be the hardest word"?

Incidentally, I wish you well in your rehabilitation.

Anonymous said...

A 26 part admiring series about Lady Thatcher on the BBC?

Probably not, but the Downing Street Years (1993) was fairly impartial, and a fine piece of contemporary history (including Lady T's classic quote, 'Treachery with a smile on its face' - almost Shakespearean).

Anonymous said...

Who did she say that about Redeye?

(BTW, the task set for us on this thread was coming up with things not likely to happen.)