Friday, July 21, 2006

Agony Uncle at Your Service

I've always fancied writing one of those newspaper Agony Columns. You know the sort...

Dear Iain
I'm a 67 year old lard arse who's been caught talking to strange rich men. I've also been doing naughties with my secretary and when I was blackmailed I told my wife about the wrong woman. My boss thinks I'm an embarrassment and my work colleagues are too embarrassed to be seen with me. I would be grateful for your ever helpful advice.
Yours, JP

Or perhaps

Dear Iain
I suffer from Obsessive Changing Political Party Disorder. In the last year I have formed my own political party at least three times and been a member of the Conservatives and UKIP. Is it only a matter of time before I end up in the Liberal Democrats?
Yours, CN
PS I love your blog so much I feel compelled to write about it every day on my own blog. Is this normal or just plain warped?

Jonathan Calder devotes his Lord Bonkers column in LibDem News this week to just such stories. Shall I start a DEAR IAIN column each week? Do feel free to send me your problems and I'll see what I can to do help. All in the best possible taste of course. You can of course send emails on behalf of others who may be too embarrassed to write themselves. We all have friends in need. Some more than others. Please email, rather than use the Comments section!


Anonymous said...

If it's good enough for Mariella Frostrup and Ruby Wax, then I say give it a go.

Ross said...

Dear Iain,

I am certainly not in a long term relationship with a married Deputy Prime Minister and if you say otherwise I will sue.

Yours unfaithfully, RW

No2CanveyLink said...

I have a deep dark secret that Has casued me much worry for a number of years. When I was young, very young, I...

I... can hardly bring myself to say it...

...I joined UKIP.

What should I do?

I feel that this has caused a stain on my charachter and feel if I come out of the closet and reveal my UKIP fetish - my family friends and neighbours may shun me.

Please help!

Anonymous said...

Dear Agony Uncle Iain, I notice that some people reading this site prefer being known as English rather than British. This is fair enough, but then they slate those who prefer to be thought of as British rather than English / Welsh / Scottish...

As I am sitting here in my Lions rugby top, am I in contravention of the rules of this august club?

Worried of Bristol [and Welsh!]

Francis Walsingham said...

Dear Iain,

I am in love with two men. A bit of background - I am a recovering member of the Referendum Party, which really I only joined in order to meet a rather pretty girl in the immediate family of the guy in charge. That and to go canvassing in a Ferrari. Now that's been done, and the whole movement has gone a bit blue collar, I find myself in the depths of despair bordering on despondency. I can't bring myself to associate with the UKIP mediocrity, and though I love Dave (I do love Dave) and, like Jimmy, he also scores quite high on totty and fruitiness, his eco-warrior cycling windmill hug an anti-nuclear hoodie apologia makes me feel a bit ill.

Sometimes I wonder what's going on. TB's going to be arrested, Dave's on his bicycle (in London!) and Ming's on day release from the care home...Iain, despite myself, I feel torn between the two men I love, Tone and Dave. Tone's old mates have turned against him, but I still love him. Tone still sticks it to the religious fanatics. He's also a bit uneasy about taxes. I love Dave too, but he seems to have lost his head.

Iain, what do I do?

Yours in love with Tone and also with Dave,


WmByrd said...

Dear Uncle Iain,
My problem is...I'm sorry, I've forgotten. I'm sure it was something involving a political party. I'll be back once I've remembered.

Ming Campbell

Andrew Kennedy said...

Dear Uncle Iain

I regularly read this political blog but I am losing faith in the bloggers judgement.

In the last few weeks he wrote about the tide moving in the Conservatives direction in Bromley due to the dirty tricks of the LibDem Candidate. Then, the following week, he predicted that the DPM would be gone by the of the weeks end.

Do you think this faltering ability to predict the future is a short term aberration, possible due to the excitement of a planned crab catching weekend in Norfolk? Or is it the first signs of dementia due to advancing age and over-exposure to airwaves ?


Concerned of Banstead.

Anonymous said...

Dear Uncle Iain

Surely I can't be the only red-blooded woman in the country who *needs* to see pictures of JP in his cowboy outfit.

Please, someone, oblige...

Desperate, of Tunbridge Wells

Anonymous said...

Dear Uncy Iain,

I am a total freak with no political friends. Everyone mocks me, laughing whenever I attempt to make another political point.

I keep thinking that I am important and relevant; I even call the Tory party chairman by his first name in correspondence (despite the fact that he probably doesn't even know who I am, and couldn't care less).

I write for a blog which has no readers or contributors. I sound like a cretin and am an embarrassment to myself, my family and the human race.

Please help me overcome my delusions of grandeur and self-inflated ego.


WmByrd said...

Iain, I need your help. I'm a mature but bubbly northern lawyer with a hubby colleague who frankly couldn't get himself out of a paper bag. He tells me he's depressed and just plays air guitar all day, and fantasises that he's advising the US President. He used to love travelling all over for his job, but now he wants to give up and just hang out at my expense. Well, the taxpayers' expense, but same thing. I hear the government is planning to cut down on incapacity benefit scroungers like him. Who can I phone for free advice?

Yours, Frustrated

Anonymous said...

The first letter is just ridiculous, and is not even factuially correct.

Everyone know the taxpayer wasting adulterous work shy fat lump of lard is 68.

Anonymous said...

Dear agony uncle Iain

I fear I am becoming a paranoid wreck. My problem started in 1997 but has got far worse in the last year. 30 % + of the British poulation still vote Labour despite abject failure in every department. I am scared of people now- 30 % are far too many deranged people to have on our streets. I cannot even sit still on the Tube anymore because I keep reminding myself that one third of the people around me are bonkers. I am becoming isolated in my own home and scared to leave the house.

Please help.


Anonymous said...

Excuse my ignorance but who is the CN blogger referred to in the example letter?

Anonymous said...

Dear Uncle lain,

It appears corruption is now deeply entrenched in our society. Where do l go to make amendments to the constitution in order to make allowance for all these....? Do l go to the PM,DPM or... Cherie Booth......or do l just accept that some people are just clearly above the law and wait for the electorate to vote with their feet....or better still go to "His Royal Blogness" lain Dale as Paul Walter puts it .

Anonymous said...

Your columnn should take the style of 'Mrs Mills solves all your problems' in one of the Sunday Times magazines. Your and her share the essentially bitchy quality. . . .

Anonymous said...

You wouldn't want to be known as the Marj Proops (oops, that's dated me) of the blogging world, would you?

But then again........

phone cam foolery said...

What strange postings,
I just want to see my wife have sex with another man whilst I sit in armchair wearing a gas mask and listening to heavy metal music , my wife prefers hardcore garage, what do you suggest?

Anonymous said...

Dear Uncle lain,
Help!! It looks like l'm getting addicted to lain Dale's Diary! what do l do......?

Anonymous said...

Dear Agony,
We share your pain. After CN dumped you he turned his unwanted affections onto us. You don't have to 'imagine' what we are going through as you have been there, seen that and bought the T shirt.
Why suddenly the preference for us and the prejudice against you?
Help us, the unusually kind intelligent people, to find a new outlet for an unwanted partner.
A progressive con would be ideal.....

MatGB said...

Dear Iain,

I am a campaigner in need of a Noble cause. I am wondering, would it be a good idea to help the good people of Florida recount all their hanging Chads?



(Cityblue? You haven't been hanging around political websites for long enough it seems. You haven't actually missed much, but hearing he'd joined UKIP was, just, hilarious, after all the fuss he did make about the LibDems awhileback)

Anonymous said...


You are right - I am new to blogs having existed for the last 20 years or so on a diet of newspapers, Private Eye and the Spectator. I have recently discovered Iain and Guido but dont have time for mucj more - But who is CN and which blog is his? Will some public spirited soul please assuage my curiosity?