I come to you straight from Hazel Blears’s launch for Labour’s deputy leadership and my ears are ringing. I don’t think it’s tinnitus. Indeed, I know it’s not. Instead it is a new condition called Hazelitis or, as it is destined to be known, Bleary Ear. The problem lies in Hazel’s words-per-minute output. It is a shorthand nightmare. The words crowd together, hundreds of them in every minute, gasping for breath. It is like battery farming with sentences.
Hazel bustled in, babbling about what a fantastic launch she’d had in Salford at the weekend. She wished we had all been there (no one moved a facial muscle at this) and told us all about who had been. “Most importantly, there were lots of Salford Labour party members!” she cried, adding: “Did I say most importantly?” She stopped for nanosecond, which may be her version of a comic pause. “Most importantly was my dad! He was there!” I believe this may have been a Hazel joke. Hazel’s words were filling the room so quickly that it was getting hard to breathe. I can only give you snippets, for obvious reasons. Hazel told us that she wants to “build on success”. Indeed, these were the very words in her brand-new brochure. Her slogan is “Winning for Labour”. She told us this as if it were interesting. Why does not realise that it would only be interesting if she said it was “Losing for Labour”?
But how would she differ from John Prescott? “Well,” she said, giggling. “I’m small and I’m a woman which will be very different indeed!” Plus, she chirped, she had energy. Indeed, she is like one of those battery-operated rabbits who just never stops. We shuffled out, ears almost bleeding, to a rallying cry from the campaign manager, Caroline Flint, perhaps best known as Minister for Obesity. “Hazel Blears doesn’t just talk the talk, she walks the walk. She gets out there. She’s a great motivator. There are no no-go areas for Hazel Blears!”
I suspect this is true. If only there were, the world would be a much quieter place.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Launch of the Chipmunk
Click HERE for Ann Treneman's hilarious sketch of my little chipmunk's campaign launch. Sadly I had to send my apologies... And there's further analysis HERE from Tim Worstall. here are some highlights...