Sunday, December 06, 2009

GQ Article: Peter Mandelson RIP

Do buy this month's copy of GQ Magazine. It has a section where six commentators have written obituaries of Peter Mandelson - Andrew Roberts, John Kampfner, Stephen Bayley, Matthew D'Ancona, John Rentoul and myself. I decided to make mine rather more tongue in cheek than clearly some of the others did, but they are all hugely entertaining. Anyway, to whet your appetite, here's my obituary of the Prince of Darkness.

Peter Mandelson, who has died at the age of 81, was the last surviving member of the trio who founded ‘New Labour’. Along with Tony Blair and Gordon Brown he developed a political philosophy and election winning techniques that dominated British politics for more than a decade at the cusp of the last century.

Peter Mandelson left government in 2010 in disgrace – for the third time. Two years previously he had made an unexpected return to the front line of British politics, overcoming a decade long feud with the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The three years of Gordon Brown’s premiership were not happy ones for the Labour Party or the country with economic and social breakdown besetting them at every turn. Mandelson, who had made his reputation as the Rasputin of ‘New’ Labour did what he could to prop up a clumsy and faltering Prime Minister, while promoting his own agenda and position at every opportunity. It was in doing this that he committed what later came to be seen as the defining act that finally ruined any chance Labour had of winning re-election. In a TV debate with Shadow Chancellor George Osborne he was filmed slipping an ecstasy pill into Osborne’s glass. Having resigned on two occasions during Tony Blair’s first term of office, his third resignation only weeks before the April 2010 general election plunged the Labour Party into two decades of infighting, from which it only recently recovered fifteen years later with the election of teenage glamour model Princess Tiaamii Andre-Price as leader.

In the years following that defeat for his party and his subsequent retirement from public life Mandelson did much to atone for his actions. He eschewed the lucrative business and consultancy appointments that had once seemed his for the taking, with the concomitant fortune that he would have made. Instead he devoted the rest of his life to quiet acts of practical charity and voluntary work. And there are many who speak now of his kindness and generosity in the help that he gave.

By 2025, the country was teetering on the verge of economic and social chaos, and in June that year, the army stepped in to restore order. It was a ‘very British coup’ with no troops on the street. King William suspended parliament and on military recommendation asked the 72 year old Senator Mandelson to come out of retirement to form a puppet administration. It has been difficult to locate the Senator, who, some years earlier had devoted his life to becoming a Buddhist monk wandering from village to village living off food handouts. He was finally tracked down to a shanty town outside Rio de Janeiro.

Mandelson’s period as Lord Protector lasted barely two weeks before his old rival, George Osborne led a march on Whitehall, and seized power in a final bid to get one over on the man whose summer holiday in the Aegean in 2008 had so very nearly ruined such a promising political career. Senator Mandelson did not go quietly, appearing on Sky News being dragged from Number Ten Downing Street screaming “I’m a fighter, not a quitter.”

You can subscribe to GQ HERE.


Alan Douglas said...

Profumo he ain't.

NO chance of charity work when moolah is beckoning in the business world. Though what nut-case would have him on the board is another question, he is not to be trusted.

Your generosity of spirit shines through the humour.

Alan Douglas

Anonymous said...

It worries me that your version might come true!

Dave H said...

too hungover to make comment beyond 'its Rio de Janeiro'.

wv=noandes (Doh! It's Brasil not Peru)

Unsworth said...

I very much look forward to seeing these published for real. Eighty-one years of Mandelson. What terrible wrong have we done to deserve this?

golden_balls said...

I prefer mandys speech at the spectator awards far funnier iain but a good effort c-.

Anonymous said...

What a pointless assignment. Boringggg. Surely you have more interesting things to write about?

Not a sheep said...

All utterly believable apart from "eschewed the lucrative business and consultancy appointments.... Instead he devoted the rest of his life to quiet acts of practical charity and voluntary work." Not a chance, Peter Mandelson and money are intrinsically linked, rather like disease and death.

john in cheshire said...

so he doesn't have his Ceacescu moment in your fantasy? In mine, he is taken out and shot, in front of the EU's Berlaymont headquarter in Brussels. In full lordship regalia.

tapestry said...

Sackcloth and ashes, I wish politics was that interesting.

My version.

An arsehole is an arsehole. END.

As the Chairman of The Maquarie Bank, Australia said when asked what was the secret of his success (pre-meltdown) -

"Every time I see an arsehole, I kiss it".

That sums up the credit glut era well enough.

Gordon Brown tried this technique with Sarkozy and look what happened to him.

In the new era, I prefer the Boris Johnson technique, who, every time he sees an arsehole, says 'Yippee' and kicks it as hard as he can.

Sarkozy would have respect for that, you know. Mandelson would shuffle off complaining he'd been unfairly treated....he's a pompous arsehole.

Barnacle Bill said...

I don't want to write Mandy's obituary, I just want to be the one that makes sure he doesn't even get to collect his bus pass!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

81 years old?

Couldn't you make it an assassination at the age of 58?

Cynic said...

When he does go can we concrete over the grave afterwards? Just to be sure.

Old Slaughter said...

I hope he is permanently stopped from influencing my existence at the earliest possible convenience.