Thursday, August 05, 2010

Geraldine Dreadful MP Writes... to Iain Duncan Smith

Dear Iain Duncan Smith,

I read with exhilarated wee-coaxing fury the latest disgusting pseudo-fascist outrage from your despicable office, and the migraine headache it has given me has driven me to cancel a Constituency Surgery in beautiful Hammer East Combined Whippet Education and Child Training Centre. For letting down the people of Sickle and Hammer East, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I read with incredulity your proposal, which for all I know may even have received royal assent by this stage, which would result in Social Welfare Claimants receiving one payment each rather than the ‘Gemischteseis’ of payments they have come to expect from successive glorious Labour governments.

First of all, though as a hated Tory you might not know this, these are called Social Welfare for a reason. Claimants spend pleasant mornings or afternoons at DHSS Offices (or whatever they’re called now) exchanging banter with one another and counter staff, and getting to know one another, and one another’s children, and indeed, their children’s children. They begin to value the State through being welcomed into the State’s buildings, and they appreciate the value of loyalty to the State rather than slavery to hated multinational ‘employers’. Their love of the State is percussed in every dull thump of a rubber-stamp onto a welfare payment form.

Your disgusting proposals would limit visits to the Social Welfare office in some cases to one trip per fortnight. I cannot begin to impress upon you the social catastrophe this would represent. Some of my own campaign team for the last election tell me they rely on their thrice-weekly trips to the Sickle Jobs Plus for company. At the recent Sickle Town Hall Public Meeting ‘Nick Clegg: is he the Devil or some sort of Sub-Anti-Christ’, at which I was delighted to be joined on stage by People’s Champion Gerry Robinson, some of the seven people attending expressed a resigned dismay, some of which I can only attribute to depression occasioned by your pulling a stunt like this. It’s all very well for you, a rich Tory. Some of my constituents can’t afford to keep up repayments on their houses, but you run around with two surnames.

A further result of your despicable proposals would be the reduction in the aspirations and education of our young people. How can we begin to instill hope in our young people if they are told they may never receive more than one single payment, when their siblings and parents have had multiple payments to look forward to? Where is the incentive in mathematics, for young people to learn how to add up the value of welfare payments and, for instance, calculate how many weeks they must wait to buy a 3D TV to watch the Olympics on in 2012? How will they learn to fill out forms as deftly as they have learned in the past? And where will the thrill of departmental errors and overpayments come from, when multiple payments are scrapped? I’ll tell you where.

From personning the barricades in fervent revolution to overturn the vile contemptuous lickspittle CONDEM government, in a frenzy to return their birthright of multiple welfare payments. And possibly a council-sponsored street party to welcome them back.

Yours Sincerely,

Geraldine Dreadful MP

* With thanks to Ben Archibald at

We'll have some more leaked correspondence from Geraldine next Thursday.


Unsworth said...

Yep. Knockout.

Henry Root in reverse.

Mick Turatian said...

...calculate how many weeks they must wait to buy a 3D TV to watch the Olympics...

Poor old Geraldine doesn't know her constituents all that well if she thinks they're going to save up for something!

Penfold said...

Priceless and so on the money.

Alan said...

Does Tom Harris know you are filching his posts, just changing the names. He may sue, if he can find a way to claim the legal costs...

Paddy Briggs said...

Tarquin Terrible MP
Member for Hampshire White

Dear Prime Minister

Bloody good start! Alliance with the Clegg chap a masterstroke – always a bit suspicious of Westminsterites – Ruth Kelly was one (need I say more!) - but young Clegg seems quite house-trained. And dear old DD has got you the pink vote for ever with the Brokeback crack! Jeremy is over the moon re the speed camera thing – I know you promised it would happen when we all met up last Christmas but – well Wow!!! Politician keeps promise to old mates. Super. When can we hit the fox hard again? Mustn’t be greedy but an MFH offer has been discreetly made and it would help to know that the restraints will be off for good again before I accept.

Well done too on bashing the Paks. Time someone said what you said and don’t worry about upsetting the buggers. As the great Eric Anderson used to say – nobody gets beaten for telling the truth (pity Blair forgot that – but glad that you didn’t). Home truths on the home front as well – but don’t let on about the private education tax relief plan too early – young James is only 5 so Davina and I don’t really need the help until he goes to “School”.

Davina wonders why you haven’t more girls in the cabinet – she said she would understand if Boris was round the table - she’s still got a bruise from last Christmas! We both think that you might need Boris inside the tent sooner rather than later – surely you can find him a constituency? He could cause trouble – loose cannon like he always was.

Anyway must dash – Early trip down to leafy Hants for the weekend. Remember the door is always open if you need a break – and in Provence as well of course. Maybe when the new sprog has hatched?

Love etc.


Victor, NW Kent said...

I agree with Geraldine. This heinous proposal will put still more people on the scrap heap - those employees of Job Centre Plus Plus.
As their union representative I am going to take them out on strike forever. That will stop you rotten Tories from firing them.

Osama the Nazarene said...

Ed Balls campaign diary on Guido is more amusing, when it appears.

Mirtha Tidville said...

Love to see what Geraldine has to say on the latest diktat from `Boy George` re his plan to remove our defences to pay for Trident??...Hint Hint Iain...

LetUsFaceTheFuture said...

Put some bricks around all of your ankles and jump in the Thames you guffawing, circle-jerking bunch of 15th century-minded muppets.

Just remember you didn't even win a majority against a government that had to deal with a recession and a huge expenses scandal and that was headed by the man you're taking the piss out of for being so ineffective.

Well done on that.

Elby the Beserk said...

Sounds just like Kerry McCarthy

Jimmy said...

"Ed Balls campaign diary on Guido is more amusing, when it appears."

Why do tories find it so hard to be funny? At least intentionally?

Tapestry said...

How does she manage to get so worked up by such a dreary subject? Class writing, for sure. But why waste it on administrative nothingness?

This talent should be deployed in bringing empires crashing down.....maybe this is just the first brick in the wall of the untouchable Brownian state.

Unsworth said...

Is this ghost writen for Sally Bercow?