Monday, May 03, 2010

Ten Things You Won't Hear David Dimbleby Say on Election Night...

1. It's 10pm and our exit polls show David Cameron heading for a clear majority.
2. And here's Jeremy Vine in his cowboy uniform.
3. That was Nick Clegg paying tribute to the two old parties.
4. If you click the red button you can see Emily Maitlis naked.
5. And now over to Iain Dale in the LBC studios...
6. Please don't text or tweet us. We really can't be arsed to read them out.
7. We hear that Gordon Brown is paying a last minute visit to Rochdale.
8. For the very best in political analysis, read Adam Boulton's blog...
9. In Morley & Outwood, Ed Balls doubles his majority.
10. And that's the end of the programme. I'll be back at 10pm to see the new Prime Minister enter Downing Street. Mr Clegg has had quite a night.

38 comments:

Max Atkinson said...

11. I'm going to retire and make way for a younger presenter before the next election.

Max Atkinson said...

12. I promise not to repeat or remind you of any questions like I kept doing during the 3rd TV debate- http://su.pr/2si4lz

Andrew Ian Dodge said...

"We really have no clue how this going to turn out. Bloggers and betters know more than we do."

Jim Baxter said...

Or

1: Where's Lady Finchley these days? I'd like to invite her to don the nosebag a deux dahn the Savoy.

James Burdett said...

I'm not sure you are right about point 1.

john in cheshire said...

Isn't it about time the Dimblebys were put out to grass and someone else given a chance to establish a dynasty within the bbc?

Salmondnet said...

Drat. I was counting on number 4 to make the evening bearable (or should that be bareable?)

Hotspur said...

You missed "I can now hear all the employees at the BBC cheering the Conservative landslide. There will certainly be a champagne party here tonight"

Sean Haffey said...

11. "And the surprise winner in Bracknell is ... Iain Dale"!

trevorsden said...

Looks like Brown will be giving hellfire sermons from the pulpit between now and election day.

Ugh who was it who put me in front of that moronic man, Peter wasn't it?

Lonely Wonderer said...

"Blimey this is dull. We've been wittering about exit polls for an hour and still no results"

BTW Iain, I'm getting increasingly weary of the BBC's election night coverage. When you're not in front of the camera/mic, what's your preferred TV/radio on the night?

DespairingLiberal said...

It's going to go down to the wire, so the early bits won't be worth watching. Best thing will be to go to bed very early (avoid pointless canvassing, etc during the day - research shows that "knocking up", etc, has no impact on results) and get up at 3am to begin the excitement.

There will probably still be no clear result by lunchtime Friday.

Nobody in the LibDem camp by the way (Iain's Point 10) has ever claimed that Nick Clegg will be Prime Minister. That's just another Tory-machine piece of pre-spun insto-distortism. What the LibDems have said since the start of the campaign is that the paradigm is shifting and I am convinced this is true for once.

Note also that the polls in the Tory/LibDem marginals are still looking very, very bad for the Tories, hence Cameron's increasingly fevered campaigning including his bizarre upcoming all-nighter!

DespairingLiberal said...

@Hotspur, given that the Tories are planning to cancel Dr Who and Eastenders, that's hardly surprising, is it?

Tories will also be removing Wimbledon and the Olympics from free BBC coverage. Radio 2 will also be privatised, with adverts, etc.

David Anthony said...

"If you click the red button you can see Emily Maitlis naked."

What about Laura Kuenssberg?

Nick Robinson!?

LD Increase Taxes said...

"If you click the red button you can see Emily Maitlis naked"

I would actually like to see her naked! She is a fiesty woman! I would also like to see Jane Hill, Suzanne Read and Sophie Raworth naked!

We can but dream!!!

Dazed And Confused said...

It's Ten O Clock, voting has closed, and the BBC exit polls are predicting a New Labour landslide.

But oh how the BBC would love to say that.

truerblue said...

If Jeremy Vine was to waer a clown suit, he could borrow it from Iain.

trevorsden said...

OT

The Telegraph is reporting that the price of gold has just reached a record high in Sterling.

Anyone going to tell Brown?

David Anthony said...

Ten things you may hear people say on Election Night:

1: James Purnell: "I told you so"
2: Charles Clarke: "I told you so"
3: Tony Blair: "I always thought so"
4: Alastair Campbell: "I tried my best.... book deal anyone?"
5: Peter Mandleson: "Oh you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay..."
6: Dianne Abbott: "Does my opinion count anymore?"
7: Sarah Brown: "Gordon, you can't lock yourself in the toilet for the next four years. you'll have to start packing sometime..."
8: 30% of the electorate: "What election?"
9: Gordon Brown: "Congratu...urgh. Congrat...urgh. Congratulations, David. Urgh."
10: Nick Clegg: "Not fair!"

waymore said...

"Sensational breaking news; Peter Mandelson has..."

Fill the rest in, the more implausible the more likely. My favourite begins, "been arrested".

davemcwish said...

#4 - how did you guess ?

Gerry57 said...

It doesn't really matter who wins because the EU makes most of our laws.

We're back after the commercial break.

John said...

12. John Terry, give us your analysis how how this hung parliament will impact the markets.

John said...

11. And there we have a rather tired and dazed looking Mrs Cameron opening the front door to receive some flowers.

jon dee said...

11. " It's me wot got Nick Griffin elected."

Lauchlan McLean said...

How very true.Plus one more, the sun is rising in the East and appears to be shining from G.Brown's rear end

Bardirect said...

How about "its the BBC, its a Bank Holiday, so in a change from our normal day time programming . . . . .. " nop didn't think so!

What happened to Disneytime?

wv=cheda = cheesy

DespairingLiberal said...

Hilarious coverage of Cameron on Despatches tonight. They showed him "meeting the public" at Leadenhall Market in London the day after one of those election debates. The crowds, it turned out, consisted entirely of specially-recruited Young Conservatives! Cameron did not meet a single "real" voter. No ordinary person who happened to stumble across the scene would have been able to approach to ask a question.

The programme also tried very hard to get hold of Lord Ashcroft but his office simply hung up as soon as they got the call. Not quite what one might expect from the man who plays the main role in funding the next ruling party of Britain, is it?

blemster said...

Dimbleby says on election night "Nick Griffen has just stuffed Margret Hodgkinson at the Ballot Box" lol chuckle..

wild said...

If nobody in the Lib Dem camp is arguing that that Lib Dem's can form a government what is the point of voting Lib Dem?

John M Ward said...

I do hope No. 2 doesn't happen again: it was cringe-makingly bad!

As for 7: I wouldn't recommend a visit by the Gorgon to Duffy, the (new) Vampire Slayer...

Hawkeye said...

"That was Nick Clegg paying tribute to the two old parties."

Actually, the two "old" parties are the tories and liberals (aka "The Whigs"). Labour is only 100 years old. The others go back centuries.

As for naked presenters, Laura K, Sophie Rayworth from the Beeb and from Sky Lukwesa Burak and Caron Gennaro please.

Yum!

Tomfiglio said...

@ john in cheshire

"Isn't it about time the Dimblebys were put out to grass and someone else given a chance to establish a dynasty within the BBC?"

Looks like somebody already has. See this on the BBC News site - amazing how the soft left loves the hereditary principle:

"DJ John Peel's son lands BBC 6 Music show"

Oxenstierna said...

@disparingliberal
"given that the Tories are planning to cancel Dr Who and Eastenders"
"Tories will also be removing Wimbledon and the Olympics from free BBC coverage. Radio 2 will also be privatised, with adverts, etc."

I must have missed this. Are these more things the Tories didn't specifically rule out in the manifesto?

The Grim Reaper said...

"You know, I could be at home getting some bloody sleep instead of repeating myself ad nauseum."

The Grim Reaper said...

"We're hearing that a result is about to be declared at some seat or other in some corner or other of England. Frankly, I don't especially care, to be honest. My god, this is so, so boring. I've wasted my life..."

DespairingLiberal said...

@Oxenstierna - there are plenty of things we can infer. Cameron obviously made a deal with Murdoch and part of that will be a systematic weakening of the BBC, so that Sky (run by foreign and anti-monarchist interests - hardly the usual Tory fare!) will be given new spaces to move into. Dr Who has always been disliked by Tories as a hotbed of pinko commies. Eastenders will go as it competes too much with commercial channels. Radio 2 is an obvious target to privatise.

Come back in a year's time and tell me I was wrong.

TinPot said...

11. I admit, I too was a member of the Bullingdon Club