Wednesday, July 01, 2009

A Preview of Next Week's PMQs

From a commenter called Fragmeister... A preview of next week's PMQs...

DC: What day is it today?
GB: Typical. Can't ask a question about policy. I'll tell you what Tory policy is on days of the week. They want to cut them. They want to cut Thursdays now and if they get in power, they will cut Saturdays as well.

DC: What colour is the sky?
GB: The Tory party is the only party in the world that wants to cut the sky. We have invested in the sky. We have brought forward spending on the sky and increased it by 0% whereas he would cut it by 0% year on year adjusted for real capital spending inflation.DC: What time is it?GB: That is up to the Chancellor to decide. I had nothing to do with it.

DC: Should Freddie Flintoff open the bowling at Cardiff tomorrow?
GB: If the pitch, if the pitch, if the pitch takes off cutters and that is the Tory policy. To bowl off cutters, 10% off cutters, from Mr 10%. Yes, you may laugh, but it is his policy. And I ask him, would he prefer to have Ryan Sidebottom bowling his left arm swing up the hill and into the wind?

DC: Do bears crap in the woods?
GB: Bear crapping has risen under this Labour government year on year where it fell under the previous Tory administration. We have invested in crap while they cut it. The previous government, of which he was an advisor, cut crap year on year while we have increased crap year on year in real terms since 1997. The party opposite is the only serious party in the world that is opposed to us increasing crap.

DC: Are you a liar?
GB: Of course I am. Can't think why you didn't just ask that question in the first place.

Cue an onslaught of commenters with a sense of humour failure.

84 comments:

Witterings From Witney said...

Sense of humour - moi?

Mind you your 'preview' may just be an improvement on the PMQs we have had to date.

Oliver Drew said...

Nice....that is not only amusing but so close to the truth it is frightening!

bladerunner86 said...

"Cue an onslaught of commenters with a sense of humour failure."
What a complete waste of time reading this.... I thought you could put something worth while. I don't know why you even bothered posting it Iain.
How pathetic!

Steve said...

what a load of crap.

Anoneumouse said...

I notice he didnt write up the Speakers interjection.

oder, oder

David said...

Well I thought it was funny and made the point that it really doesn't matter what DC asks. I ahve just watched PMQs today on the BBC and it was ridiculous. He simply will not answer a question.

JGS said...

Let's laugh this silly man out of office.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Gorgon's gaffe in full technicolor -

http://tinyurl.com/lfxp5c

Tom said...

I wish someone would cut a video of Gordon saying "the party opposite is the only serious party in the world" - stopped there.

IanVisits said...

Under Labour, Swine flu numbers are on the rise - unlike the Tories who would cut flu numbers by 10%

Paul Halsall said...

Your certainly have a point Iain.

However, it would be equally true to create a script in which Cameron continues to show nothing but derision.

Nick Clegg was the one today who raised an actual proposal for a reasonable cut - i.e. Trident. I am not a pacifist, and I am not yet sure where I stand on the issue, but it is a serious proposal.

The real problem is that the best way to deal with the fiscal imbalance is to raise direct income taxes as soon as possible. I realise Brown will not do that, and nor will the Tories, but it is just as good a way of dealing with a fiscal deficit as would be slashing public services.

Raedwald said...

Brown lies as naturally as normal people breathe. The great worry is that he has admitted that he's completely unaware he's doing it.

"I didn't bottle the election because of the opinion polls, but because I wanted the chance to share my vision"

"I never really wanted Balls in the Treasury at all and didn't back down from sacking Darling"

"Public expenditure will continue to grow under Labour"

"I don't tell lies"

The problem for Brown is that it's obvious to the entire country that he's an incorrigible, irredeemable, constant and consistent liar. And that only the most uncritical of the comrades now pretend to believe a word he says.

Norfolk Blogger said...

I don't have a sense of humour failure. I just didn't think it very funny.

Tony Kennick said...

Fragmeister obviously isn't a cricket fan, the test starts on the day of next weeks PMQs not the day after ;-)

Not the biggest Jacko fan said...

For goodness sake Iain, can you not get rid of the Michael Jackson image? I feel sorry for his family, but I am not interested in his image infesting the news and blogs. He was an OK artist; some of his songs had me out of my chair; a lot left me cold. I understand that you may have to take advertising, but this is too much.

JPT said...

Michael Jackson!?!?

denverthen said...

Very funny.

The Brown-is-a-liar meme has taken root and is now flourishing. Why? Simply, because it's true.

The Ghost of Michael Jackson said...

Cha'mone MoFos'

Did some dude mention my name?

KissMyBadSelf!

Heee Heeee.

The Ghost of Michael Jackson said...

Cha'mone again MoFos'

Ya all know if you says ma name three times whilst looking onto a mirror, I appear and haunt you.

You bin warned! Am a bad hauntay ghostay!

Oooww! Heee Heeee.

Iain Dale said...

I have asked for the MJ advert to be removed.

Fragmeister said...

Fragmeister obviously isn't a cricket fan, the test starts on the day of next weeks PMQs not the day after ;-)

Damn. Unmasked. Accept my cricketing apologies but I am a cricket fan (and one who thinks Tests should start on a Thursday and end on a Tuesday with a rest day on a Sunday).

VotR said...

Good stuff Iain.

The 'zero percent' will be haunting Gord for a long time to come.

JBW said...

And a muffled titter went round the room...

Moon Walk said...

Not the biggest Jacko fan said...
"For goodness sake Iain, can you not get rid of the Michael Jackson image?'

Hear hear!!!

edf said...

"The 'zero percent' will be haunting Gord for a long time to come."

Let's hope so. Although Toenails Robinson has just been allowed a nice interview with Brown to explain that he actually meant 0.7%.. nice of the BBC to help out yet again.

Not the biggest Jacko fan said...

Thanks Iain, I hesitate to use the word, but "overkill" sums it up nicely.

Sorry, I do not understand JPT's or The Ghost of Michael Jackson's comments. Maybe I am too old; I am the same age as Jacko. I was just making the point that everytime I look at Iain's blog (4 - 5 times a day), there is a large picture of Michael Jackson which appears under the new blog, and disappears in earlier ones - and they all appear to be sponsored by Amazon.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

The ghost of MJ comments are a reference to the Bo Selecta character.
Infantile and sick. Just my kind of humour!

Not the biggest Jacko fan said...

Has anyone seen "the dance of the comedian" on YOUTUBE. I was literally crying with laughter. My 14-year-old told me to shut the windows,because all the Close could hear me laughing.

Not the biggest Jacko fan said...

The ghost of Michael Jackson. Sorry, I get it now.

Moon Walk - thank you. I was starting to think I was on my own.

Dick Puddlecote said...

"Although Toenails Robinson has just been allowed a nice interview with Brown to explain that he actually meant 0.7%".

So he's not entirely innumerate, just a bumbling clown incapable of articulating himself.

That makes me feel much better about him running the country.

{sob}

Paul Pinfield said...

... In other words, Brown is deluded. Can't argue with that (unless your name is G Brooon...).

Paul Pinfield said...

"Paul Halsall said...
Your certainly have a point Iain.

However, it would be equally true to create a script in which Cameron continues to show nothing but derision."

Paul, that would be because Brown is beneath contempt.

I accept your point about Clegg. I (EX Royal Navy) have never believed that Trident is justified, but as usual, Clegg botched his chance with Kinnock like verbosity.

Polly Toynbee's Hairdresser said...

Brown's acolytes are out spinning an alternative history about PMQ's today.
He was interrupted before he could say a 'rise of 0.7%', as opposed to what he actually did say without being interrupted, being 'a 0% rise in 2013/14'

Surely these are some members of the PLP who are appalled by this descent into outright lies and delusions, or are they ALL lobotomised chimps? hmmmm

Liz said...

Good, the Jackson image has gone. Can you remove the picture of that fat smug faced tosser at the top now!

Paul Pinfield said...

Norfolk Blogger said...
"I don't have a sense of humour failure. I just didn't think it very funny."

Come on Nich, stop being NFN...

Stepney said...

I refer my honourable friend to the rejection I received from the great Alan Coren when he was editor of Punch:

"Quite amusing and really quite liked it but this sort of thing is terribly easy to write".

Fragmeister said...

I refer my honourable friend to the rejection I received from the great Alan Coren when he was editor of Punch:

"Quite amusing and really quite liked it but this sort of thing is terribly easy to write".

Do Private Eye still put Good enough for Punch on their rejection slips? Of course my effort would have got one but Brown is such an easy target and almostbeyond satire.

Brownite said...

Iain this is very infantile.
Grow up!

Bardirect said...

How about some questions about Labour's real cuts affecting hard working students whilst trying too kepp them off the unemployment register for a while training for no real jobs.

The first cuts now announced:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/8129363.stm

Terry said...

Am I right in thinking the Prime Minister knows the questions beforehand?

Thomas Rossetti said...

For what it's worth -- and I know that isn't very much -- I thought it was funny.

Anonymous said...

what a crock of shit. pointless post

Anonymous said...

Someone upthread mentioned that there was no intervention by the speaker. So how about this:

Speaker: Odour, Odour. Will the Right Honourable member for Normanton please keep his bodily functions under control.

Ed Balls: (Blushes)

Karl Marx said...

This post is the biggest pile of shit I have read in ages. Iain my estimation of you has gone down.
You seriously don't understand politics or you would not be posting this kind of shit on your blog.

Stewart said...

I agree with Karl Marx this post is the biggest pile of crap.
I did not find this funny at all.

Karl Marx said...

Iain you don't understand politics because if you did you find something different to post on your blog.
GROW UP!

Superpowerdom said...

Purely a pile of SHIT .

Anonymous said...

A dog could have crapped something better than this post.

Anonymous said...

what pointless humour.
Iain you are a complete pratt.

Anonymous said...

Great idea.Why not just ask? The answer will of course be a lie and the Berc will raise himself to his full platform height and become very excited.

Bishop Brennan said...

I think Gordon has been reading this post... :-)

If it is you, Gordon, why don't you fuck off?

I wish someone would put us out of his misery... Mandy?

Bishop Brennan said...

And, yes, the post was funny. Although in a 'The Office', painful way - it's perilously close to the truth.

Perhaps Gordon could hire Michael Jackson's ex-doctor as his personal physician? A cost-benefit analysis would easily show that this would offer value-for-money to the taxpayer... ;-)

Bardirect said...

It's unrealistic you need a Bercow as King CUNuTe resisting the waves of Tory indignation at his obsequiousness towards Labour's preannouncements and his prediliction for putting down Tory but never Labour points of order.

wolfie said...

@Paul Halsall

"The real problem is that the best way to deal with the fiscal imbalance is to raise direct income taxes as soon as possible. I realise Brown will not do that, and nor will the Tories, but it is just as good a way of dealing with a fiscal deficit as would be slashing public services."

Paul from your photo you look too young to have been aware what happened when a Labour government got us in this kind of mess and tried to tax their way out last time.

Well tax went up to 98%, interest rates were running at 17% unemployment passed the figures for the great depression for the first time, lots of us were forced onto working a 3 day week and the IMF had to take over running the country. Business people closed their businesses in the UK and moved them lock,stock and barrel oversees.The British Film industry closed completely never to be seen again. There were debates in Parliament over the "brain drain" Doctors, dentists, nurses, teachers, bankers, lawyers and university professors left to go to USA, Australia and New Zealand in vast numbers

You need to distinquish between wholesale budget cuts and massive savings. Any business when faced by debts makes savings in it's expenditure by cutting back on unnecessary expenses ie Consultants fees, glossy communication magazines etc etc etc

There are billions of pounds wasted every year in the public sector that could be saved without having any impact on the core delivery of services or the people on the front line who deliver them.

Plenty said...

I liked his response to the AD bit, "It's up to the chancellor to decide what the time is." Like hell it is! Alistair Darling must be really miked off with Brown. He's been used like a pawn in a very dirty chess game. First Balls up thinks he is running the show, and then Lord Mandelson pokes his nose into treasury matters. For once, I'm starting to feel a bit of pity for old Darling. He's between the rock and a nutcase.

Lord Lavendon said...

Very funny and so true in the sense it sums up the way labour want to run the election campaign -the "nasty" cutting Tories vs. the "saintly" labour people.

Also; Message to the labour trolls who are saying what is being said it crap (without one might add backing it up) :

2 things are preventing the UK from immediate bankruptcy

1) QE -which is at the gift of the bank of england governor

and

2) The market is expecting a conservative win in 2010. If the polls narrow- wait for the IMF to come knocking on the door autumn /winter - not a nice situation to be in , but we are now entering the scorched earth phase of the current regime ......

Dick the Prick said...

I used to be liberal but i'm despairing recently - all these tossers with opinions - ejeets - listen to me, listen to me etc etc

Paul Halsall said...

@Wolfie.

I'm 48 and quite old and have been reading serious newspapers regularly since 1973.

I'm not suggesting raising the highest marginal income tax rates (although I would be open to that), but the base rate.

You seem to forget that the three-day week occurred under Tory government!

Bardirect said...

Notwithstanding what I may have suggested in other posts Dave now needs to throw a spanner at somewhere other than Brown's damaged economic credentials and turn to a non economic area.

I would suggest policy on swine flu: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8125191.stm seems a little at odds with the fact that a number of Central London and the one City of London primary school have cases of "summer flu" without closing. As my daughter goes to one of these this may be my last post to your blog as we all have underlying health issues .............cough

Thatsnews said...

That's so very true, that post of Fragmeister!

JMB said...

I seem to remember years ago someone writing that BLiar lied naturally and did not realise he was lying. He was compared with an alcoholic who will deny he has a glass of drink in his hand even when he when he is holding one.

Brown seems to lie quite deliberately lie and not care that everyone knows he is doing so.

The Shadow said...

David Conman's election pledge:

Unemployment.

Unemployment.

Unemployment.

It could be you!

But at least you will have the comfort of knowing your sacrifice is for the greater good!

Me? I'm bomb proof!!!

The Grim Reaper said...

DC: Can the Prime Minister please tell us what his name is?

GB: Mr Speaker, this is completely typical and predictable of the Leader of the Opposition. He insists on asking questions about personalities, never about policies. However, since he asks, I would like to remind the House what the Tory policy on names actually is. Under a Conservative government, names would be cut by 10%. The Tory Party appears to be the only party in the entire universe that wants to cut the number of names available to the public. We have invested in names, increasing investment by a grand total of zero per cent, whereas he wants to cut it by 10%.

This could go on all day...

Anonymous said...

Complete and utter shit.

Anonymous said...

Iain Dale you don't understand politics do you.
This post is SHIT. A dog could have shit something more worth while.

Anonymous said...

Reading this post is like chocking on my own vomit.

Anonymous said...

It's a piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

It's like wiping shit all over my face.

British Columbian said...

"It's like wiping shit all over my face." Nice !

British Columbian said...

although I am not as vulgar as some of the respondents I think this post is a bit silly. And Yes I do actually have a sense of humour.

Anonymous said...

Shit. Shit. SHIT.
That's what I think of this post.

wolfie said...

@paul halsall

The base rate of tax isn't what you think anymore because of all the stealth taxes so you will still effect things in the same way.

Yes you are right the 3 day week was caused by the NUM under a Tory govt, couldn't give a shit about party politics and who did what to who in Westminster its about who is running the country and what they are doing to it.

Whover leads the country next has one option and one option only massive savings in public expenditure. There are already 3 million not working in this country, welfare payments now exceed the total take of income tax

Richard Abbot said...

The Ghost of Michael Jackson has some good policies

Free scootays for over 21's
Free courses in Suicide Diving
Subsidised spoon bending courses with Uri Geller - mofo spoon lover!

Heee heeee!

(See You Tube Bo Selecta Michael Jackson for the party political broadcast)

Paul Halsall said...

Time to stop anonymous posts, Iain, FWIW.

John S said...

Too close to the truth for me, Brown is fixated on staying in office and appears unwilling to respond to any question. Bercow should show some steel and pull Broon up when he goes into his "Tories are evil" mantra.

Anonymous said...

I thought it amusing and clearly on point - Brown has debased PMQs so thoroughly that the session has become pointless.

And judging from talk in the office of late, voters know that Brown is a compulsive liar, has no ideas or policies worth a candle, and is probably quite bonkers. High time that he and his loathesome party were ground into dust.

cherami said...

Who said verbatim reporting was dead?licity

Brett Trevalyan said...

You really can tell that this post absolutely hit the spot, can't you! It was spitting image good and the chancellor/chancellorPM's acolytes just cannot bear it!

You are being targetted for a good old PLP/Dolly Draper smear Ian.

The post was fabulous. Comedy is a great vehicle for exposing hypocricy and cant and the Brownites fear it. Keep it up.

Magnificent.

JMB said...

It would be good if the theme could be picked up in the Main Stream Media and Gordon Broon PMQ style answers circulated by text messages, twitter etc.

Penfold said...

Priceless.

Satire and lampooning of politicians is good for the soul.

However, there are those out there, you know who you are, killjoys, who would make it a capital crime.

So remember, its socialists and commies who have a sense of humour failure when lampooned.

Vote Satyrists (sic) Party, enjoy life and politics.

Anonymous said...

Phew, I'm glad I didn't have to go through another day without finding out what Paul Halsall thinks.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic. The scary thing is that the only thing that doesn't ring true is GB's answer to the last question - he thinks he is honest!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how shit this post is Iain.
It's beyond belief.

Anonymous said...

Iain you post the most fucking irrelevant post.
Shit!