political commentator * author * publisher * bookseller * radio presenter * blogger * Conservative candidate * former lobbyist * Jack Russell owner * West Ham United fanatic * Email iain AT iaindale DOT com
Ok so whats this inter ermm...is it inter-web ? Anyway, whats this inter-thingy all about? Oh yes! I hear that the kids of today love it.
Oh I say - those etch-a-sketch thingies are frightfully sophisticated these days.
"Look, this typewriter has pictures too!"
"Ming searches swingers.com for extra girls to join his threesome"
Are you sure you should be looking at these kind of pictures! Hang on! That's Mark bloody Oaten.
"And if you look very very closely down here, you can see his chipolata..."
So you're telling me that this is the landlady of the Rovers now, not Annie Walker
Help! I appear to have inadvertently bought a 40 year supply of Viagra and a Thai bride....
"Isn't that one Bet Lynch?"
Can you find places to store Jaguers until 2009 then!!
"Now I see why Simon hughes is such a fan of the Internet."
"I think it's called blogs, tinternet or something"
"Now if only we could get the bloody webcam to work"
And that's where are councillors are using underhand, deceitful, Nimbyist tactics to stop a football stadium that is wanted by most of the community. The party of local government indeed!
And exactly what are these things called poppadoms?
And what exactly are these things called poppadoms?orWhen I was a boy these pieces of slate came with chalk, how on earth do you write upon them?
What happens if I push this? Ming advetises fisher-Price for pensioners..
Is that Dale's Diary you're reading? I'm old enough to remember the original Mrs Dale, you know.....
"So this is the website that revealed Mark Oaten's antics... can you show me the one about Simon Hughes?... oooh isn't technology fun"
Given his awful intrview on Five 5 last night which proved conclusively that his PR people didn't brief him at all about his "favourite TV programme" Coronation Street (Question: Who is your favourite character Answer: Ummm... Bet Lynch) I would have thought maybe the caption would be "So THAT's what the Rovers Return looks like"
"This me at Queen Victoria's funeral, this is me in World War One, oh and here's me starting university in 1925."
Now that Guido has a sex-blog on his page, I think it's about time I started one too ...
Look....and will she always do exactly what I type?
"so I point with my left hand at your screen and with my right I use your mouse?
Ming surfed the interweb, and was delighted when he finally found out the identity of Suzie Whiplash.
Working age raised to 80 in call centres.
Oh, your right, we do say different things to different peopleOR - Ming sighed as the results came in for his Google search "Liberal Democrat nice tactics"
That's me and Elspeth in Benidorm.
"look, it's a two-horse race"
With my extra workload I've been feeling a little bit tired recently. Fortunately these helpful people emailed me saying they can supply me with these little blue pills that will help me keep it up for hours.
That's disgusting, are the lower classes allowed to do that sort of thing now?We'll tax it or ban it when we get in!!No worries there then.
and here are the Party's poll results since I became leader...
Did we really refuse this Guido character, membership? A 500 year old member, that would make me look young.
Ming... "And this is one of Mark, Simon and I on the beach last summer. Can I put that on the blog? Do you think it will help me get into Iain Dale's list next time?"Girl... "Urmmm."
Oh, so thats the on button
And this green bit on the map is Hampstead Heath, where on a clear day you can see Simon Hughes'.... constituency.
and what did you say it's called again...tele-vision? very good, but can't really see it catching on.
Your collective cynicism to a man of such wisdom as the Venerable Bing Candle is staggering.Didn't he imbue the character of grandad in Carla Lane's 80s classic comedy Bread with real emotional depth ?
I've got £200,000 in a fund for you and your friend when you turn 18 if you are willing to do something unspeakable.
Great line Og, but lose the unnecessary "constituency".
Another canny Scotsman takes advantage of ebay's "Motors free listing weekend" offer.
Man in a shed - what mysterious pixel?
and that's cat Minie Caldwell's cat
What is the little black spot above your banner all about? Guido has a similar, but white spot. We should be told...
"Look! Wikipedia says my first name is Walter!"
"Look at the rack on that!"
'Trust us, Ming. This'll be great. Don't touch the girls or the machine. Just smile and point'.
Look - if you stand as a Lib Dem candidate your bank balance will increase by this amount.
And that's me standing next to the last Liberal Prime Minister...
Oh look, a Werthers Original ad... now in my pocket I just happen to have....
.Thats all it is. man in a shed just a period whomever coded the basis for the 2 sites left in by mistake at end of the first body tag
And this is one of me and Lady Elspeth just after our wedding, talking to King George...a lovely man and a great monarch...you can see the Queen toddling there in the background.....
- See the short, dumpy one - that's Sarah Teather- I want that one- Look it's either Oaten or Hughes - it's a straight choice- I hate you Butler. Get that bloody bus out.- Isn't that Lembit Opik photo on the Crimestoppers website- Shit they've taken my car.
So Ming is suffering from another bout of can't quite "remember"The papers won't forget for the morning readers however.
Look into my eyes - You are feeling sleepy. Very very sleepy. You are asleep. You will do as I command
Blimey! And I thought I was hung like a rogue elephant!
"And this 'minger' word - is that the female version of my name?"
OK girls - we've re-animated the cadaver, now let's teach it spelling. This re-awakening the corpse class is going so well!"
And now children, see if you can find nice Uncle Ming's lost policies.
Interestingly enough, I'm an LD and have it on good authority what Ming was actually saying..."Hey look - Iain Dale's talking garbage on his blog again!"
Look at the size of those. You don't get this kind of thing on the BBC
"And if I push this button marked "self-destruct", let's just see what happens."
"Move your left hand or I'll break it, you old lech"
Perhaps the Eye could include this picture in its library of oft-published photos depicting political Scotsmen in the company of dusky maidens? Ming looks like a vest man to me.
Perhaps the Eye could use another photo of a Scotsman in the company of dusky maidens to replace the one currently in use?
"I know Cameron's been to India - here's his blog. But I went there too, you know. Oh yes, long before Cameron - in fact, before the British Raj! Ah, those were the days..."
"...please, just pretend to be interested for the cameras...I'm as bored as you are you know...don't know why I went for this job in the first place..."
"I can have FOUR wives if I become a Muslim. Bravo, I need to father a child before the next election. Do they have mail-order brides on this teletext thing?"
Careful now, wasn't it this thing that was nearly the end of Pre$$a.
Slide 187 shows Lady Elspeth and myself at the opening of Paisley sludge works
And slide 197 shows Lady Elspeth and I opening the Paisley sludge works. Slide 198 .... zzzzzzzzz
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