Sorry for the lack of blogging all day. To make up for it, I thought I'd give you a caption competition to play with until I get myself in gear again. This was taken at this lunchtime's Conservative Spring Lunch at the Dorchester. So what do you think David Cameron is saying to me, then? Go on, then, play speechbubbles. Why do I feel comment moderation coming on again?This was, as far as I know, the first time the Conservatives have held a lunch like this. From a fundraising viewpoint it must have been a huge success as it was clearly a sell-out. Looking round the room I was surprised at how few people I knew. This is a good thing as it clearly indicates a lot of new faces. Indeed, I also thought the average age was a bit lower than it would have been a few years ago. Cameron made a really good off the cuff speech, although it did include a joke which David Davis used to delight in telling during the leadership contest. He does need to get some new jokes!
82 comments:
Piss off Iain, there's no way you're getting a safe seat.
Ian, get yourself some stilts then everyone would look up to you too!
Iain, you're even more conceted that I am
'I don't mind you bringing a nit inspector to the luncheon but couldn't he have left his magnifying glass at home?'
Iain - You're on the only safe seat you're getting!
Got to be something about tits hasn't it (sorry for being crude).
That was my shin ian
What do you mean I look like Portillo?
"So I think I've really got these new 'Gangsta' hand gestures worked out. 'West End'! Er, I mean, 'Side'."
"Hello Sailor!"
"I hear tyou're an expert at this blogging thing. How about redoing Webcameron for me?"
No, I haven’t got a policy on that either!
"You don't win your seat next time, then you can consider yourself off the A-list!"
"In contrast to the big clunking fist I have silky smooth hands - and no Iain I'm not coming on 18DoughtyStreet!"
Dale: David, do your flies up, I can see Gordon’s clunking fist.
Are you calling me a fucking toff?
"Look, I'm a pretty straight kinda guy..."
Do you prefer my parting this way??
Nice tie (Cameron's)
Hey Jude....
Mister Dale,
I don't care how good a friend he is. One more attempt to sell me that DVD and....
But, it's Doughty Street highlights..
That's it. You're off the F-list.
Off.
Understand?
But Dave....
Hmmm....judging by the abysmal, nay, appalling standard so far I may even be tempted to have a go. And why has no one picked up on the fact that Mr Cameron appears to be rather cross with Mr Dale ? Surely they haven't had a 'domestic' of some description?
Iain, I TOLD you to save me one of the canapes !
Right, Iain, give me my speech back NOW !
What do you mean, I'm not as posh as Oliver Letwin ?
Iain: I can feel the hand of history of my shoulder
Cameron: Fuck off, Iain
Look, Iain, I told you, I ALWAYS wash my coffee cup up, so it wasn't me who left the Doughty Street kitchen in such a mess...
Hmm..could we not agree a ground rule - let us call it 'Hoggart's Law' that if one is going to be profane, then one should at the very least also be funny ??
"and they were big and round like ripe melons chaps....."
[dc - for it is he..] What do you MEAN you can't babysit this coming Saturday ??
"Scissors beats paper ... sorry Iain, I'm still leader."
But the really important question is, why does David Cameron have a third hand coming out of his trousers?
Cameron: I hear that on 18 Doughty Street you really let rip.
Iain: Sorry. I'll take the mike off next time I need to go.
Right, that's 5 K's 2 Big P's and you, Dale, can kiss my arse.
I did it myyy way...
You say it was this size, but the voters of North Norfolk said you were an even bigger one than that!
Cameron:
Look! My thumbs have gone weird. I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose!
Dale:
Calm down, it's only a commercial.
That fart was bloody smelly Dale!
It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
The Kindly Ones
[dc] Well, Iain, I think we're only a couple of knob gags away from the old comment moderation..
Cameron - I need your help, your support, your undying loyalty and a double entendres...
Dale - That's okay David, I'll give you one...
Where's Gordon?
[Cameron] - For years people have been burdened under Labour with pressure from 'the fat one', he has been taxing them week in, week out, but I am going to reduce that burden; I am going to lower the bar that threatens the future of many independently minded entrepreneurs.. Yes, I am going to ask Iain to completely remove the hurdle of ANY quality standards from the weekly caption competition...
"Iain, how many times to I have to tell you? Stop entertaining bloody UKIPpers on Doughty Street!"
or
"Iain, how dare you tell me that my tie's an eye-sore?"
DK
"Quite frankly Dale, you can stick that reactionary blog of yours, where the sun dont shine, and try not to enjoy it too much this time.
Tell that Hitch nutter to, go live in Argentina, if he dont like what I am doing.
And do me a favour. Find out who that garypowell is. He is the only chap on your blog for Pigmy brains that makes any sense."
'I know you wouldn't mind but as Conservative leader I have to park my bike in a proper manner.'
I say, did that coloured chappie on your tv show really say my speech was the racist thing he'd ever> heard?
"He does need to get some new jokes..."
Crikey! Is the Shadow Cabinet re-shuffle that close?
If you will keep attending lunches like this, Iain, it's no wonder you're getting so fat.
"I always use these fingers for prostate stimulation"
What's got no balls, and hasn't been seen in public for six days?
' And then Tony said - Please Dave, can I join your New Conservatives because Gordon won't talk to me anymore..'
'And then Cherie said - Ton and me will screw the scots git until the day you beat him Dave, need any cheap lightbulbs as we have nicked them all from no 10...'
"No Iain, ME Leader, YOU Blogger"
Well, been a politician more than 20 years
And have to tell you man you have no peers
Sharin' my day with politicians and foggers
Sunday drivers scouts on hikes Hells Angels on Harley bikes
I never met a person I didn't like...cept them bloggers
One day I'm campaign bussing down the A1
I got 18 wheels under 14-tons
Radio playin' a good ol' country rocker
The day was sure a politician's dream
The sky was sunny and the air was clean
When up ahead on the road I seen one of them bloggers
He was dressed like they do in baby blue
With shortie shorts and a headband too
I yelled Iain Dale I bet that you are the hit of the men's room locker
But I'm a runnin' late with an overload
So get your Adidas off a this road
I'm LA bound and I don't slow down for dead raccoons or bloggers
Well without breakin' stride or losin' poise
He said you and that rig sure make some noise
But I can't talk now cause I'm racin' against the clock
But it's just nine miles to get some sleep
And if you ain't afraid to race that heap
We'll see how that ol' rig holds up against a super blogger
Race I must be hearin' wrong
The boy's been runnin' in the sun too long
The only place he's racin' to is a doctor's
But before I could say thank you no
That fool yells ready get set go
And the race is on we're off and gone me and that maniac blogger
Auntie Flo'
Well I could've left Iain far behind
But I played with him like a fish on a line
Stayed about a half a mile behind that sucker
Then I pushed her up to forty-five
And he sees me comin' and he starts to fly
So I pushed her to sixty and shift to high and finally catch that blogger
And it wasn't easy
Now I'm doin' eighty and I turned to check
And Iain's stayin' right with me neck'n'neck
His hearts a thumpin' like my engine
Goin' pop pop pocker
Then he yells out I hope you're set
Cause I ain't shifted into second yet
Then he unwinds and leaves me behind
eatin' the dust of a blogger
Then I see him bloggin' up into the sky
And he yells hey thanks for the exercise
Hope losin' this race was not too shockin'
Ya see my dad says heaven's no place to blog
and I try to be obedient son and slog
So I've come down t'earth to do my bloggin'
Than that blogger flaps his wings and he's gone.
Well that's my story take it or leave it
My politics buddies they believe it
So do nulab nuts and front bench hoggers
And I'm still campainin' much the same
Cept I don't call nobody names
And I tip my hat each time I pass one of them good old bloggers
'Specially if it's Iain Dale.
Auntie Flo'
"I swear! Maggie's were THIS big!"
"And with your help nad your votes, mine will be, too!"
New jokes?-clearly you have not seen the Letwin speech---it's packed with material!
"Now why the hell don't you want to be Mayor of London? Why?"
" The fish is freshly caught this morning...."
"Donal Blaney? Every night? You have GOT to be joking!"
"I believe I can fly..."
Iain, I can't spell the words in Oliver's speech either but it must mean something!
I want us all to be kind to Tony Blair in these final hours before his **RESIGNATION** :)
OH, YES!
He really is going this time. Blair gone, Oh, wow! I can't believe it... thank you God, I owe you one for this.
Anyway, when we've finished putting up our bunting, St George's Crosses and 'B*gger off, you b*stard' balloons, can we spare a few moments to say a proper goodbye to Mr Blair?
Early this eveing, BBC News Have Your Say asked contributors to give our views on Blair:
"How will history judge his time in office? What have been his key successes and failures? Is the UK a better place to live? How has your life changed?"
So far, only THREE responses have been printable... and they are all most uncomplimentary...man responsible for destroying Britain etc.
Surely we can do better than that?
Auntie Flo'
Get the hell out of my party you bloody Tory!
Dave - "Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life."
Iain - "Dave, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
Auntie Flo: lack of comments on the BBC Have Your Say page might have something to do with your having to provide not only your email address but your telephone number which, if it's a landline, pinpoints you. Enough to put this feeble person off posting, anyway.
First prize awarded to Judith for her comment. What a woman.
Runner up award to anon May 10, 2007 12:52 AM.
I've got six bikes you know
Wait until we get the state funding in Iain, then we'll be partying like this every day.
"Oh look Iain, there's that w*nker Laurence Boyce over there"
Cameron: This is the main policy issue engaging the Tory intelligensia these days!
(gestures left) Spit or (gestures right) Swallow.
Presumably that's stage left and stage right? Anyway, have just blogged the missing comment which I thought was rather grand. Not sure why it was pulled off as there are a number of other outre comments? Bit near the knuckle perhaps?
What’s the matter with you Jeremy? You call me a wanker just because I had the temerity to disagree with you once. You’re starting to come over as a bit of a tosser yourself.
Cameron's attempt at impressing the crowds with some party tricks fails dramatically when Mr Dale notices some unfeasibly large sleeves of concealment.
Brush up on your verbal reasoning skills before posting half-witted childish comments
Crikey didn't think he read my postings - and he's right. Apology.
Betty
Three bleedin' kids and they're down here already!
"yeah man, I is well down with the youth, innit blud"
Dave: "Listen here you ****! If you have that C4' on Blogger TV, I'll get Boris to seduce your mother!"
See I can sing the words of the Welsh National Anthem - u wont catch me out boyo
"WebCameron's going to beat you and there's nothing you can do about it!"
...so then the homeless man said to me: "You can't spare any money, mate? Then give me those brogues you're wearing!"
Then of course I was surprised (and you would be too) and said: "These are expensive shoes! Loebs! I can't just take them off and give them to you! I'm wearing a suit and a tie and you're a homeless man! I'm a very, very important person and you are nothing but scum and don't pretend you're not! I am going to a conference! A VERY IMPORTANT conference!"
Then he said: "I'll ring the papers and tell them that you hate homeless people! I will give interviews! I will make poignant scenes! I will start a lawsuit! Many lawsuits! I'll give you thirty seconds and if you're not barefoot I will start to cry! Loudly!"
Then I knew I could not allow that and so I took my brogues off (and so would you in my position) and he said he really wanted the fancy socks too to go with the fancy shoes and I said alright and now there is a homeless man wearing some very expensive shoes and socks that he does not deserve and no suit or tie to wear with them.
Then I left quickly before he demanded my Saville Row suit.
So to make a long story short that's why I need to borrow your shoes. And your socks too. Because I am far more significant than you and cannot be seen publicly like this and no one cares what you look like.
They're not as nice as mine - your shoes, I mean - but I don't mind because I would not expect them to be. Or if not you then what about you, with the bald head and the dapper suit staring at me in a condescending and supercilious manner? I prefer YOUR shoes. Very smart. They are more suitable for someone like me. So what are you waiting for?
I'll send them back by post. Next month. I promise.
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