Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Train Etiquette

I am typing this on a train travelling from Tonbridge to London. Sitting opposite me is Dr David Starkey. I need your advice. Should I...

A) Pretend I do not recognise him
B) Tell him I just love his monarchy programmes
C) Suggest Gordon Brown should appoint him Regis Professor of History at Cambridge
D) Berate him for his recent criticism of The Queen

Or

E) Turn up the volume of my iPod just to provoke him into one of his rages...

UPDATE: I chose A... Some hilarious suggestions in the comments...

Your suggestions please!

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Say 'Can I have your autograph please Mr Schama?'

The Queen said...

Blow him a kiss and see if he blushes.

pedant said...

you could try spelling his name correctly - it's Starkey

tapestry said...

D

Anonymous said...

Say "You're really irritating."

And then turn up your iPod.

Anonymous said...

Play footsie?

Charlie Root said...

a) you clearly do, and you've probably given that away by now.

b) yes tell him, the book is also very good - I'm about to take a break from work and get through a few more pages.

c) Probably be better to suggest that to Gordon.

d) He will rip you apart with his argument and you'll look like a silly schoolboy - don't do it.

e) do b then turn up your cliff richard.

Anonymous said...

It's Starkey, Ian.

Edward said...

Look very closely to make sure that he is not also reading your blog on HIS laptop.

Croydonian said...

Tell him it is an honour to be in the presence of one of the nation's foremost libertarians.

canvas said...

B.
Talk to him! Don't be too cool for school.
I am sure it could be an interesting conversation!
You only live once.

ken from glos said...

ignore him .These celebs hate that most of all.

Anonymous said...

e and smile sweetly

Anonymous said...

Ask Ringo for his autograph, Iain.

btw - his real name is "Richard", not "David."

I wonder when he got his doctrate?

Homer S said...

Rage...Rage!

Homer: It's true, I'm a Rageaholic.....I just can't live without Rageahol!

strapworld said...

I so love your wild life series on Discovery Channel. Well done.

strapworld said...

Did you see me and Heffer on Telegraph TV then Dave?

machiavelli said...

oh E definitely, especially if - and I admit this is a long-shot - you have any Prodigy on it.

P.S. That 2:13 comment is hilarious :¬)

Unsworth said...

You should catch his eye and then engage him in conversation about British Queens.

Monarchy seems to be his speciality.

Maybe chat about that, too.

machiavelli said...

Croydonian - "Tell him it is an honour to be in the presence of one of the nation's foremost libertarians."

I'm not sure Iain would be quite as happy as some of us at being given that description...

Anonymous said...

What did you do in the end then???? I just LURVE the internet age...

Jonathan Rothwell said...

Phone someone and say you're on a train with Brian Sewell. Then turn up your iPod.

Anonymous said...

Grow up.

another pedant said...

Do you mean Regius Professor?

Anonymous said...

"Snakes on a Train"?
Sorry.

anthonynorth said...

Say: 'I think your son's an excellent drummer.'

Anonymous said...

What is it about that line that attracts annoying right wing oiks - I've also see Ian Hislop on teh same line.

Troll Patrol said...

What was Yoko really like?

Alex said...

Tactic A is undoubtedly the best play, but the more satisfying variant (if time permits is) to strike up a conversation, and after 5 minutes ask them what they do for a living.

Philipa said...

All of the above - all your suggestions, but I particularly smiled at the first suggestion: 'Can I have your autograph please Mr Schama?'

I've always been cool in the presence of celebs/stars until I met someone I really admired, and then watched myself from a distance as I proceeded to check all the boxes of sad fan behaviour. Perhaps an Ipod would be a good investment ;-)

Evil Clanger said...

After his comments about my queen I would have offered him the choice between vacating his seat or suffering violence the c**t.

Anonymous said...

Tell him to get my (former, but we'll see) girlfriend into Cambridge like he said he would (he really did but she didn't get in).

Devil's Kitchen said...

Ask him what a famous person like him is doing that near to a god-awful hole like Tonbridge...

DK

Benny Austwick said...

talk on your phone and say "Yes, the doctor thinks it's highly contagious whilst coughing loudly"

G Eagle Esq said...

Aber, Mein Herr

It must be the case that the erudite Mr Sharma did recognize you as auch ein gut bekannter Celebrity

but refrained from introducing himself out of an excessive apprehension that he should not be intrusive on your privacy

Alles Gute

G E

Paul Burgin said...

Would have wanted to do b but would have ended up with a, in fear of prompting some acerbic comment.

Jess The Dog said...

Break wind loudly and see what he does....

Anonymous said...

Strangely enough I was in a bookshop the other day and saw Mr Schama - and said to my other half 'Oh look there's David Starkey' before realising my mistake. Hopefully was out of earshot!