Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Joke of the Day: What Goes Around...

This is apparently going round all the City Trader desks today...

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accidentand emergency deptat his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- JohnSmith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. Thewhole of the LabourParty leaders were there - everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and toreminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers andpeasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,"says Brown, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worryand it just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises. They are having such a great time that, beforehe realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar orlobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says,"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers:"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in themiddle of a barrenscorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox-affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder."I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown,"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster andcaviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looksmiserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,"Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Devil himself can quote scripture. So Gordie can quote statistics.

Funny joke though.

Anonymous said...

about as funny as using a cheesegrater on your groin...

Anonymous said...

Woah - these City Trader types must be great fun.

Mark said...

Never heard of brevity is the soul of wit, Iain?

That was crap.

verity said...

Fabulous!

Devil's Kitchen said...

Yes, this is precisely how it will happen, believe me.

But, until that time, I'm taking care of Heath personally..

DK

mitch said...

Short and to the point: the perfect joke. Unfortunately, I couldn't be arsed to read to the end....

michael foot said...

Oi!

I'm still alive!

Newmania said...

I like it

vod said...

I didn't think that joke was ever going to end.

Man in a Shed said...

Has anyone actually heard Gordo say he believes in God or is a Christian? I mean the actual words - not using reference to any bible from his conference speech ?

Anonymous said...

God i hate long jokes... forgotten the beginning by the time i reached the end. Is Micheal Foot dead? Granted he always looked as if he was about to go; but I didnt realise he had actually gone.

John said...

Oh!Man, I can't stop laughing. Until Read the last line I thought what's so funny about the story, but the last line proved my perception wrong. This is the best one liner(?) I've ever read...
Roadside Assistance

i spy strangers said...

If that 'joke' is doing the rounds in the City there won't me much time left for trading.

Eskimo Nell said...

What a crap joke. You should censor your blog Iain.

Yak40 said...

Like the ending of the old old TV movie "When The Kissing Had To Stop".

John M Ward said...

Devil's Kitchen wrote: "Yes, this is precisely how it will happen, believe me."

Thanks for the 'horse's mouth' on this -- but don't take that personally!

And: "But, until that time, I'm taking care of Heath personally.."

What has that nice LibDem David done to deserve this?

Annie said...

"and as you well know, manifesto committments aren't binding........"

Anonymous said...

This joke is far too long to be "doing the rounds" anywhere in the City. Traders have the attention span of a gnat - they wouldn't even have made it past the first paragraph. Besides, aren't they all too busy trying to offload all their shares before every listed company goes the same way as Northern Crock?

Londoner said...

This joke was doing the rounds in the spring applied to Tony Blair, only instead of the Labour luminaries in hell it was all his "lovie" media and rich friends. So the only surprising thing is how long it has taken this to be told of Gordon Brown - about six months. Whereas it took Blair about 10 years to get that unpopular.

So not your best post really Iain.

Paul Linford said...

What makes it particularly unfunny is the idea that the Brown government is the first in history to break its promises.

I don't recall Margaret Thatcher telling the voters she was going to axe three million jobs, destroy the coal industry and preside over two recessions when she was out campaigning.

The Last Boy Scout said...

Very funny, but worryingly close to the truth.

Glyn Davies said...

I heard this story many years ago - except that it was 'Yesterday you were a tourist; today you're an immigrant'

Anonymous said...

yes well it was long-winded, self righteous, you could spot the punchline a million miles off and it wasn't at all funny.

Bit like Gordon himself really. A joke noone is laughing at.

NorthernMonkey said...

One of the crappest jokes I've heard in a while.

Perhaps our friends in the City should spend more time doing their jobs than snorting and guffawing at lame jokes.

Of course we'll all know which former PM will be going straight to hell and I'll give a clue - the name rhymes with Saggy Shatcher.

Gallimaufry said...

I thought it was funny. It's just a pity you didn't upset any fundamentalists once like I did a work when I told the Jesus in a pub with an Irishman, Scotsman and Scouser joke. They each buy him their favourite drink and afterwards Jesus comes over to thank them by curing with a touch; the Scotsman of his bad back, the Irishman of his dodgy knees - and the Scouser says "Eh, hands off whack, I'm on Incapacity Benefit!"
Shorter than your joke but probably as many groans. Probably funnier in the original Aramaic.

Anonymous said...

Hehe I liked that.
WTF is PH doing at the pearly gates though?

Steven_L said...

A tory making out city traders to be overpaid lazy folk who spend all day circulating old crap jokes?

You been on the receiving end of some bad advice lately or something?

mirthios said...

Gordon Brown arrives at the pearly gates and knocks.

'Who's there?' calls St Peter.

'Gordon Brown'.

'Fuck off, we're not making porridge for one'

Anonymous said...

Yes, I liked that, although it could be shortened. Nowadays people don't often go to church to hear meaty 45-minute sermons, so they are unused to long reasoned arguments.

I also like the Liverpool joke and the porridge joke. I only wish I could remember any jokes. Wasn't there a funny one about WMD in Iraq?

Clothilde Simon

Broon's Talking Bawgie said...

Tony Blair dies and goes to Heaven. He's greeted by St Peter and led into a huge room full of clocks.

"What are these?" asks Tone.

"There's a clock here for everybody. If they live virtuously the hands go round slowly and they have a longer life. If they act like a tosser they go round faster and their day of reckoning comes sooner."

"Oh right. Well I can't see Gordon Brown's anywhere."

"Brown? We screwed his to the ceiling and we're using it as a fan."

Anonymous said...

Oh Tee Hee. Everyone who disagrees with me is going to hell. Anyone vaguely left of centre is a crook and a cheat and a liar.

Even Gordon Brown's jokes are funnier than this.

Grow up.

Austin personal trainers said...

That is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Gosh these city trader types are soooooo funny - NOT! Get a life!