Sunday, August 13, 2006

Top Ten Unexplained Phenomena of Our Time

11. Why Radio 5 Live is so insecure that its presenters appear to be required to utter the words Five and Live at least ten times every minute.
10. Why I always play better golf when it rains
9. Why the BBC persist with those very annoying dancing idents
8. How Steve McClaren got the England job
7. How Fergal Keane manages to sound so permanently oleaginous
6. Why MCB representatives invariably feel the need to follow the sentence "We condemn all acts of terrorism unreservedly" with the word "but"
5. Why actors in East Enders can't pronounce the letter 'd' in the word 'didn't'
4. How anyone at Sky News ever thought three presenters on screen at any one time was a good idea
3. That people actually find MY FAMILY funny
2. Why Satellite Navigation voices always remind me of Ann Widdecombe TURN RIGHT IN ONE HUNDRED YARDS!
1. How John Prescott was ever appointed Deputy Prime Minister

Your further nominations please... And yes, I know there are more than ten...

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

8 - Steve McLaren was already a deputy so why the surprise ?

Getting the best man for the job had the kybosh put on it by the press hounding Scolari out of it.

Machiavelli's Understudy said...

9. I actually quite like the trancey ident ("Festival"). The music even went on to inspire a full release...

3. My Family IS funny. You just have to take it lightly! The only slightly annoying thing about it is the cringeworthy bespectacled son. You can almost hear the cries of "Tory Boy!" from all the way up here...

If there was room for a number 11 on there, I'd have to add "the attraction of antipodean guests to the Piccadilly Line at 5pm on a hot Friday afternoon".

Michael Hoskin said...

9 - The good news is that the BBC is supposedly ditching the dancers on the idents from next month. Sadly, the replacement is unlikely to be the good old globe - which I always thought was the ultimate ident as it excluded nobody...after all everyone of all diverse characteristics lives on it!

Andrew Woodman said...

Machiavelli's Understudy, My Family is orchestrated nonsense that's about as funny as a kick in the bollocks. Robert Lindsey made out he was a QPR fan in it, when in reality he's a Derby fan. Unforgivable in my view.

A very good list though Iain. I would add how last of the summer wine keeps going even though the cast were half dead when it started 80 years ago and it's not funny in any way.

bebopper said...

You've just roused a grumpy old man.
WOW (Why oh why) do people keep using the word "huge" to describe something big? I can offer a few synonyms to break the monotony. How about big, large, massive, colossal, etc.
I drive my partner mad when I echo the word as it comes up a dozen times a day on radio and television. Women are the worst offenders and they pronounce the word, "heooooge".

I agree with the irritating glottal stop. Middle-class actresses are the worst offenders. Even in period plays they say wo' yew and do'yew. Yuk.

Sorry, but I ain't done. Why do we have to put up with the double "really"? Listen to anyone on the radio or TV say "it was really good" and you'll find that they actually say "it was really, really good". It's never a single "really" and it's driving me round the bend. I think I'll have scotch and a lie-down.

Verity said...

Oh, I think we know why Five-or-More-Shags was appointed Deputy PM - quite apart from being a lardy sop to Old Labour, don't we?

Your 6: "Why MCB representatives invariably feel the need to follow the sentence "We condemn all acts of terrorism unreservedly" with the word "but".

Because they practice taqqya, which is deceit and is prescribed in their koran. Start of with a reasonable stance, understanding, keep going until everyone nods off, and then say "but", and then present a point - presented as reasonable, given what they have said before - and come up with a stream of self-serving, islam-glorifying inanities.

As I say, this technique has a name: taqqya and is to be used as a weapon against the people they call "infidels" and the rest of us call "sane". Kitman (its partner; it is usually referred to as taqqya and kitman), is the intentional holding back of facts relevant to the argument. Deceit.

David Boothroyd said...

... how anyone ever thought Sir David Frost was in some way anti-establishment.
... how anyone ever thought George Galloway was in some way anti-war.
... why ITV did away with their franchises showing their regional idents before programmes they had made for the network.
... why 'Interceptor' never got a second series.
... why the Euston Arch was demolished.
... how London was left without an elected all-city authority for 14 years.

Verity said...

The Euston arch was demolished?

call me Dave said...

Why does Tony Blair have such a pallid vocabulary?

Does anyone think he has an elegant grasp of the English language?

Who told Dave that the pale green tie was a good idea?

Who thinks Boris Johnson's hoho routine is funny?

Will the party conference rise above expectations and blow away all the sceptics (me included) ?

Anonymous said...

1) Why the alphabet is in that particular order.

and

2) Why chip shops in the south don't serve chips with gravy. :-(

Ross F said...

Compared to the BBC's other favourite prime time sitcom, My Hero, My Family could actually be a lot worse.

Other great mysteries of our age include:

- Why do only happy, outgoing people with lots to live for ever get murdered or killed in horrible accidents?

- What is the point of 'twinning' towns?

- Who watches "Love Island"?

- Why don't hospitals smell of disinfectant anymore?

- Tesco Value Beer, is there any better way to announce that you're a stingy alky?

- Why do the BBC insist on putting thick as pigshit celebrities on Question Time? Tracy Emin was the worst ever, Richard Madely wasn't too far behind.

- Why does Iain's top ten have eleven items?

Graham E said...

Anonymous said...
8 - Steve McLaren was already a deputy so why the surprise ?

What a f..king stupid line of reasoning. Presumably he (or she) expects the fat clown from Hull will be shagging the number 10 parlour maids and holidaying with the batchelor boy when Princess Tony finally gets his comeuppence.

billy said...

I like the dancers especially the ones in wheelchairs.

SBS said...

3 - Have to agree on My Family. Zoe Wannamaker and Robert Lindsay are worthy actors but what they are doing in this quasi-American staid dross is beyond me.

russell said...

You play better golf when it's raining because your waterproofs restrict your swing and your wet hands stop from you from swinging too fast for fear of losing the club. The biggest fault of amateur golfers is swinging to wildly and fast... I play better in the rain too!

Paul Linford said...

Leaving aside the fact that this is just an excuse to have another go at Prescott, you actually have a point re Steve McLaren.

Apparently he wants the England team to play in a faster, more energetic, and doubtless more energy-sapping style. Great for when England are playing at home or in Northern Europe - but does he realise the next World Cup is taking place in South Africa?

Anonymous said...

Aha ! Since I don't have a telly I thought you were saying that people find 'YOUR family' funny...

Mind you, I can tolerate those dancers as it has a passing shot of Wren's St. Bride's Church, on which wedding cakes are modelled, fact fans....

Anonymous said...

Iain, If you are looking for truly amusing comedy, try Rob Brydon's Annually Retentive. It satirises the 'celebrity obsessed' culture we live in mercilessly funnily.

It does paint Welsh Rob Brydon as a backbiting, bitching, 'never-quite-good-enough' whinger who is only balanced due to have a chip on both shoulders. This might seem a tad racist, but being Welsh I can recognise some of those...

Anonymous said...

Isn't there a psychological focus not to have a terribly high score in golf when it's wet, due to the lure of the warmth of the 19th ??

qaqwex said...

How - "speaking to the community", "consulting the community", "thanking the community" etc. excludes the 90% of the UK population who are caucasian and born here.

How any body believes in "trickle down"

Anonymous said...

Are you sure it's the SatNav ? Ann has possibly cadged a lift with you..

Anonymous said...

The way political correctness has brought the name 'partner' into our language, instead of wife/husband, fiancee, girl/boyfriend, mistress, toyboy, or just simply friend.

Graham E said...

1. How there are still working class people who think NuLab represents them
2.How Prescott has managed to convince everybody that he's just a harmless buffoon
3.How Princess Tony keeps a straight face when telling us he's straight
4.How Sven Goran conned the FA into a £5 million salary
5.How there's never been a celebrity on I'm a celebrity get me out of here
6.How Gordon has been named as a prudent chancellor
7.How Cherie Blair can spend so much and still look like she does
8.How a Brazilian rent boy can be registered as a student in Britain whilst living in Brussels
9. How Prezza ever pulled Tracey T.
10. Why do you never see baby pigeons.

Peter from Putney said...

How Natasha Kaplinsky reached such an elevated position with the BBC

Why the BEEB considers it necessary to run trailers to even some of its very moderate output umpteen times - answering my own question, probably because the total airtime of such trailers probably total an hour or so in any 24 hour period - pretty cheap television to make, but intolerably boring.Bring back the test card and the time checks I say!

Verity said...

These are all pretty funny. Call_Me_Dave - I too have often wondered about, as you put it, Tony Blair's pallid vocabulary and wondered why people dub him eloquent. Perhaps the people who dub him eloquent are people with an even tinier number of words at their disposal. Or people who assume it's eloquence through all the hissing and actorly gestures.

Boris Johnson is a screaming bore. He was a novelty for around his first year of fame, but talk about a one-trick pony ...

I too would like people to stop, under pain of death, referring to "the community" when, by any sane measurement, "The community" is the 58m indigenous Brits and well integrated immigrants. In other words, the great body of British society.

If, as claimed by the dire Muslim Council, there are only a few malcontents who want to teach us a lesson by bombing us, only a few- 370,000 on the record, BTW - who want shariah law in our advanced society, only a few who never learn to speak English, only a few who turn out to demonstrate - including burqa clad women, faces contorted with hate, pushing infants in push chairs and carrying signs advising us to "Wait for the REAL Holocaust", well, to be honest, Mr Bari-with-a-a-wig, that sounds like a mess, not a "community".

Anonymous said...

i like the trancey ident, too. though i think the whole series is scheduled to be replaced in the not too distant future.

on sky news -- i wish they'd just sit still and stop wandering all over the studio.

UK Daily Pundit said...

Permanently oleaginous he may be but Fergal Keane is available for after dinner speeches through Kruger Cowne. His fee? A mere £5,000 to £7,5000.

Don't fancy Fergal? How about Andrew Marr at £10,000 to £15,000? Or maybe I could interest you in George Alagiah at £5,000 to £7,5000?

But spare a thought for poor old Brian Hanrahan - £3,000 to £5,000. Life just isn't fair.

http://www.krugercowne.com/rates.html

trainspotter said...

Dear Verity

The Euston arch was demolished in 1962. Bits of it have been discovered in someone's back garden

silly old fool said...

The dancers, especially that tall one at the front with the tight, skirt and legs up to her armpits ........................

Oh yes!!

shergar said...

The titanically smug Nicki Campbell...why?

Vienna Woods said...

Right up there should be:

Why does Adam er Bolton er take er so er bloody er long to er make a er political er comentary, when er any er other commentator takes er only half er as long to tell er the same er silly story!

Ross F said...

"Great for when England are playing at home or in Northern Europe - but does he realise the next World Cup is taking place in South Africa?"

But it will take place during the southern hemisphere winter.

Anonymous said...

Billy - 8.47

You pervert!! Go and find a nice girl.

griswold said...

Paul Linford/Ross F re World Cup 2010 in RSAfrica. Maybe not. Transport problems and increasing violence(20,000 murders a year and rising) are causing FIFA concern but they will wait a couple of years before going public. I think Uraguay lost WC for security issues.

Colin D. said...

Why Doog less Alexader was only called a twit by prof David Starkey. Wrong vowel me finks.

Lagwolf said...

11. The BBC still considers itself "unbiased".
12. That someone who is the daughter of Keith Allen "did it all by herself"
13. Little Britain hasn't been funny since the first season