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Eleanor Daniels, my beloved Godmother, died last night in an NHS hospice in Cambridge. Three weeks ago she was admitted to Addenbrooke's Hospital. No one at the time could have believed that she would have been taken from us in such a short time.
Eleanor was born in 1933. From the age of two years old she became my mother's lifelong best friend. They attended the same school at Haverhill in Suffolk and their friendship endured when my mother moved to Norfolk. She trained to become a teacher and spent more than thirty years teaching Domestic Science at my old school, the County High in Saffron Walden.
From the day I was born she became the most important person to me outside my immediate family. She stayed at our house every Tuesday night and during the school holidays we'd all troop off in her Morris Minor for countless day trips to the coast or a visitor attraction. She was a second mother to my two sisters and me and we all worshipped her. She never married and we were the children she never had, I suppose.
She lived with her parents in a small village outside Saffron Walden, Little Chesterford. She was on the village hall committee, on the parish council and a leading light in the local Garden Club. It must have been her that John Major was referring to when he talked about old maids, cycling along the country lanes to church. She took her village duties incredibly seriously and it is a matter of huge regret that she never got to see the card which 30 villagers sent to her in hospital, each writing their own message of love and support.
Eleanor was a rock in my life. I could tell her things I could tell no one else. She bailed me out on several occasions in my younger years when I was on my financial uppers. She gave me wise advice which was always appreciated. In short, she was the perfect Godmother.
When I went too see her on Monday to say good-bye I admit I didn't want to go. I was warned that she didn't look like the Eleanor we all knew and loved. I admit I was a coward, and just wanted to remember her as she always was - vibrant, laughing, funny, caring. I got to the door and didn't want to go into the room. My sister Tracey went in before me and as I was about to enter the room she gave me a look which said "you will be shocked by what you see". She was stronger than me.
Eleanor lay there and looked exactly like her mother, who died 25 years ago. She could barely talk. I hugged her, almost howling my eyes out. "Stop it, stop it," I thought to myself. "For goodness sake, be strong". Eleanor whispered in my ear "Don't upset yourself, don't upset yourself," as ever caring for others before herself. I sat there for three hours holding her hand until my hand was almost numb. She drifted in and out of consciousness. From time to time my grief overwhelmed me and I would cry. My sisters cried too as we comforted each other. How could this world be so cruel, to make someone so good suffer like this? Tracey told her how much we loved her and how grateful we were for everything she had done for us. She played a huge part in making the three of us who we are today. It was then time to go. I hugged her, kissed her, told her how much I loved her. I got to the door, looked back and then did it all over again. I will remember that moment for ever. I got out into the corridor and howled my eyes out.
I never saw her again. But I did speak to her. On Thursday afternoon Tracey phoned to say they thought she was about to slip away. Sheena put the phone to Eleanor's ear and I said good-bye again. But she wasn't quite ready to go and hung on for two more days.
Sheena and Tracey both went to see Eleanor yesterday morning. They knew the end was near, but because they knew I was doing News 24 last night they didn't want to tell me how bad Eleanor's condition had become. I went to see Yasmin Alibhai-Brown's theatre show in Brentford on the way to the BBC. At 8.30 I saw I had a missed call from my parent's phone. I just knew.
It turned out that my sisters had taken their kids to the village fireworks. The call came from the hospice just as the first rocket whizzed into the sky. The symbolism was striking. Yes, there were tears last night, but they were tears of relief as much as tears of grief. None of us wanted Eleanor to suffer any longer. We wanted her to take her place among the angels. And as the rocket soared into the night sky, that's just what she did.
My sister Sheena has been an absolute heroine over the last three weeks. She still lives near my parents and has been with Eleanor every step of the way, sometimes for twelve hours at a time. Tracey and I know what she's had to take on and we love her all the more for it. And it's heartbreaking that she now has to cope with the fact that her partner's mother had a major stroke on Wednesday and may also have a very short time to live.
I know this blog is for political discussion, but it is also a diary. Some may regard this post as pure self indulgence on my part. But you are my community. There are some things I feel the need to share. Most of you have never even met me. But because you read me most days we have some sort of bond. The messages on the thread earlier in the week, and your private emails, were of great comfort to me and my family. We all thank you for your kind words and good wishes.
As we now all prepare for Eleanor's funeral we take today to remember this fine woman.
79 comments:
She sounds like a wonderful lady, Iain, and it's very sad to hear of her passing. At least take comfort in the knowledge that she led a good, long life with lots of friends around her, and that she always knew how much people cared for her.
My heartfelt condolences, Iain. I know, from having lived in Cambridge, how good the local hospices are (especially the Arthur Rank on Mill Road). Hospices do an incredible job and it’s a shame that they receive so little support from central government. But that is a story for another day. Justin
Justin, it was the J Arthur Rank Hospice she was in. We cannot speak to highly of them.
Sorry to hear of your loss. I'm sure you'll have been told the mourning process is involuntary and will last well into next year - so if you still feel down months from now don't feel you have a deeper "problem".
She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Deepest sympathy to you and your family, Iain.
At least you were able to tell her how much she meant to you - she knew you were there and that you loved her.
Nothing else to say that will help - we all understand how you feel today.
Respect. A godparent such as yours is gold dust.
Iain
Sorry for your loss. She sounds a wonderful woman. Try to remember her like that
Dear Iain,
Recommending books at a time like this can seem very trite, but I think that you will find reading "A grief observed" by C S Lewis helpful. He wrote it, very honestly, after the death of his wife Joy,
John
Sorry for your loss..
I will remember your godmother in my prayers, Iain. Condolences on your loss.
Louise
Iain,
Incredibly sorry to hear this. It's a very moving tribute.
As one of those people you mention who reads this site every day but rarely, if ever, comments, I just wanted to send my condolences.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
Mary Elizabeth Frye
Very touching...
Not having read your blog for very long, I feel almost like an intruder on your grief. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. This fine lady obviously meant the world to your family.I too experienced saying goodbye to a dear person not so long ago, like you, for the first time.A very painful time.It was also the first time I had visited a chapel of rest to say a very final farewell.I'm glad I did.I wonder if your family is arranging the funeral?
My condolences for your loss Iain.
A very moving post Iain. Those of us who visit this blog on a regular basis are aware that you show yourself as a real person, as well as a political pundit and dabbler (future candidate?) so there's no need to worry that this was seen as self indulgence.
Some people lack the love which you received from this woman and some the care you showed as she died. You are both very lucky to have had one another.
God bless.
As someone else who reads your commentary every day but, as yet, has never posted myself, I wanted to add my heartfelt condolences. I had a godmother who was the same to me and I still miss her.
You have written bravely, honestly and with love and have added something to all of us.
Take care in your grief.
Patrick
Condolences, Iain but you know it was for the best in the end. It's better this way.
My deepest condolences for your loss Iain.
I'm sure everyone who reads your blog - no matter if they normally agree or disagree with you - also offers their deepest sympathies.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,love leaves a memory no one can steal"
Irish saying
I'm sorry for your loss - especially as I've just lost the person who sounds nearly equivalent to your godmother.
May they both rest in peace.
Heartfelt condolences on the loss of your wonderful godmother Iain. The memories you have touchingly retold are all the more poignant for me, because I too have a wonderful godmother who has been the most important person outside my parents and siblings.
The day trips, holidays, many thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts, all the treats in between and the vital parcels when I was a poor student are so similar.
My godmother also never married and we were the children she never had, she is now nearly 80 and still a vital part of the family. I still love having her come for her holidays to us, and my kids adore her.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Sorry to hear of your loss Iain. She lived a long and worthy life which is something to be proud of.
This is probably the best post I have read on here.
Rest in peace, Eleanor Daniels.
Iain, you are very fortunate to have had such a wonderful person in your life.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
It helps to talk and it helps to remember all the happy times
Oh Iain I cant say anything. I am just lost for words.
Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and light perpetual shine upon her. May she rest in peace.
"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
His Grace weeps with you.
+Cranmer
Deepest Sympathy Iain and well done for writing such a fitting eulogy to your Godmother. It is sad to think that, for many, death is so lonely. This fine Lady moved from this World to the Next knowing true love and has left a legacy and a memory which you and your family will cherish forever.
God Bless you Eleanor and keep you safe.
Pat
Dear Iain,
Very sorry about your loss. I am sure she was very proud of you and the words on your blog are fitting.
A close relative has recently spent time being cared for at the Arthus Rank Hospice - the staff are great.
Sorry to inject a bit of politics at this time, but I have heard rumours that a unit for elderly care just opposite the Hospice is threatened with closure.
Take care.
Hamster only ever a mouse click away
Chin up
HH
My sincere condolences, Iain.
Never worry that such posts are indulgence - they illuminate what makes you who you are, and ultimately what makes you the politician too.
All of these things add up to the reason I personally would like to see you in parliament at the earliest opportunity.
I'm so sorry. She sounds a lovely lady; always thinking of others right up to the last.
Iain,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you.
May she rest in peace.
Condolences to you Iain.
Sileo in Pacis
I'm really sorry Iain - I'm terrible at thinking of things to say at these times but you have written an incredibly moving tribute and I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that now even more people know what a wonderful woman Eleanor was.
She sounds as if she made a real difference to you and your sisters. Her good deeds will live on in your memories, as will her character. At the end of the day all ‘spin’ is peeled away and we remember the good for what they were.
I suggest Canon Scott-Holland’s words, which are as follows :-
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral
Part of the value of blogs is that they are personal accounts. Rigorously excluding this sort of personal story would imply that they are not part of correctly organised "real life" and that the proper way to function is an emotionless brain sticking rigorously to one area of expertise. That is not a world that most of us want to live in (despite the criticism of David Milliband for taking time to be with his wife and sons at an important time).
Thank you for the story, and the reminder of the non-material gifts we have received from our elders and may hope to give to others.
My deepest sympathies Iain.
My sympathies
I said this prayer for her last week. It is the prayer to the Mother of God for a loved God Mother:
Hail, Mary, full of grace. Blessed art though amongst women and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen
I have paid my tributes on other threads and my sympathy and best wishes are stronger than ever.
However could I humbly suggest that you publicise the address of the J Arthur Rank Hospice so that those of your family, friends and blog readers who wish to do so would be able to send a contribution as a token of respect.
We have raised a lot of money for our local Hospice through Round Table and I know how expensive they are to run and how underfunded they are. Every pound counts for them and it's a practical appreciation that us blog contributors could make.
I also have never posted before but I would like to say, you opened your heart to us today, sharing your thoughts about this wonderful lady, I understand how you feel, I cried all the way through your post GOD BLESS
Endulge all you like-lovely piece on a lovely Lady
JH
Dearest sympathies Iain, my thoughts are with you and your family. It sounds like your godmother was a wonderful woman.
Iain,
If you've learned nothing else from sharing your personal grief with us, it's that you have a lot more friends out there than you thought.
Not all agree with everything you say but we're all glad to be here when you need a "blogger hug."
When the time is right for you, you should share some of your happier and funnier stories of her with us. From the little that we know of her, I somehow think it's how she would want to be remembered...
...and she would be proud of you.
Iain, one of the many things which distinguish your blog is the way you are both personal and political, or political but personal. So of course we want to know what your feelings are as well as your polemic. I'm sorry for your loss. JH
My deepest sympathies Iain, she obviously made a great impact on your life.
May she rest in peace
(Hug)
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family this evening.
Deep condolences, Iain. I lost my mum earlier this year and I know how much it hurts.
Keep those wonderful memories and try to keep the pain and the regrets in perspective. She sounds to have been a marvellous woman; let her spirit live on in you.
A wonderful woman,a wonderful life,
revel in your good fortune that she was there for your family, for so long.
My condolences
It seems to me that this lady was unique, of course, but that the story is not uncommon - except for the number of people able to share it.
There is a huge strand of quiet, selfless work that underpins our lives - individually and collectively. Today we can all pause and see parallels of our own.
So a sad end, yet a very happy life to celebrate.
(and I, for one, clearly need to raise my game as a godfather to hit this gold standard)
How beautiful. What a lovely tribute to a fine lady.
May God bless you and your family at this painful time.
I remember when my nana slipped away, i wish i'd said goodbye but my parents kept it from me how bad she was. I know you will look back in 20 years with many fond memories :) xx
I lost my dear old Mum earlier this year. I found these lines a great comfort...
She is Gone
By Anonymous
You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
My deepest sympathy to you and yours
Deepest sympathies and condolences
Iain do not grieve for too long, and only for yourself. She is smiling at you right now, and happier then she has been for many years.
Bless you, and may it be many years before you both meet again.
Well now hundreds of thousands of other people know about this delightful lady and the blessings that she brought (+:
Remember all the good stuff, the funny things, it helps.
Hitch.
heartfelt sympathies going out to you and your family.
very kind regards
Richard
Sorry to hear about your loss. She sounds like a woman lady.
I think a lot of us will be remembering our own Eleanors tonight Iain as we sympathise with you on your own loss.
It's a better world for people like these to have passed through it.
Best wishes to you all.
My husband died very suddenly after 35 years of a good marriage earlier this year. What I had inscribed was "what will survive of us is love" An Arundel Tomb by Philip Larkin. I studied this poem for my A-Levels and for some reason this last line stayed in my head although I remember little of the rest of it. I must have known I would need it one day and it think it sums up the truth, as long as those who loved us remember we do survive as I am sure your beloved Godmother will.
Deepest sympathies for your loss. She was clearly a wonderful woman and you're fortunate to have known her for so long and have so many good memories of her. I'm praying for you and your family.
A splendid lady. People like your Godmother are the glue that holds our country and society together. Yes, it's a great personal loss for you and yours, but she has been a shining example to many.
You must be immensely proud to have known her. It's a very good thing that you parted in an honest and dignified manner.
Dear Ian,
I've been there as I lost my gay partner 10 years ago. There's nothing much one can say. The memories will always be with you and can be bittersweet. You will find it very hard at times but she will give you the strength to soldier on.
Thank you Iain. Your late Godmother will be very proud.
Andrew
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a while.
So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
It sounds like your godmother lived a long, fulfilling and memorable dash Iain. My condolences on your loss.
Poem, for those unfamiliar with these famous lines, is by Linda Ellis
As I was reading it I found it hard to fight back the tears. I'm so sorry for your loss.
A fine tribute and a brave piece of writing. Tears welling up as I read it. I am sorry for you.
When my darling mother died, I found this helpful....
Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
Take care of yourself and be patient with your grief - it may not lessen, but it does become bearable.
All the best,
L
Dear Iain
Deepest sympathies to you and all this Wonderful Ladies Family & Friends
G E
I have just read your post Iain and have to confess that the tears are running down my face. Sometimes, in the whiteheat of political debate we can forget our shared humanity. Your obituary to Eleanor reminded me of the death of my Godmother my aunt Lindy who died 15 years ago. No one ever has or ever will, have so much influence on my life. She didn't have children of her own, in fact she had 10 miscarriages - but her loss was my gain. She truly was my Godmother. She taught me my lack of deference,instilled my desire to be a voice for the voiceless and also my total reverence for a wicked sense of humour! You will surely miss her terribly, but remember, as much as she was a great blessing to you I am sure you were just such a blessing to her.
Linda
x
Thank you for sharing the joy of Eleanor's life.
All the best at this difficult time.
I often read the political blogs, but this wonderful, moving, open-hearted tribute makes them all seem to matter so much less. Best wishes Iain, and may God help you to bear this loss
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