"You will not believe the number of things I've been offered lately. Last week I was asked to compere an event along with 10 topless women for a contest for the Nipple of the Year" - Veteran actor Leslie Phillips.
"I admit to being in favour of him wearing longer socks. There are no votes in exposed shins" - Labour peer Lord Hattersley offers fashion advice to Chancellor Gordon Brown.
"Truly, the lunatics are running the asylum" - Tory MP Ann Widdecombe on hearing that public money is being used to give single mothers free beauty treatment to boost their confidence.
"Do not use as an ice-cream topping" - Warning notice attached to a bottle of hair dye.
"As for David Cameron, I repose not the slightest hope in him since he is now looking for ways to ration our flying through taxation. 'Let the Conservatives ground you' is apparently to be his election-winning slogan" - Sir Bernard Ingham, who was Margaret Thatcher's press secretary in 10 Downing Street.
"I have a rule: I won't date anyone young enough to be my son" - Cilla Black.
"The next election could be as tight as a rodent's rectum" - Best-selling writer Frederick Forsyth.
"I have forsaken my house, I have left my inheritance: I have given my dear soul into the hand of her enemies" - The quotation from Jeremiah 12.7 referred to by Labour MP Stephen Pound in his statement announcing his resignation as a ministerial aide over Trident.