Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Ming Campbell Caption Competition


"Honestly Officer, I haven't been paying people in Ealing & Southall to put up posters."
(As covered in yesterday's Standard)

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

The full quotation:

"The choice will be between Lib Dem and Labour, both of which will engage in some mutual arschlecken afterwards, the "tonguer" being whoever fails to win the seat in the by-election."

Anonymous said...

But Officer I didnt think publishing dodgy barcharts was a crime.

Anonymous said...

Copper, 'This way sir, we will have you back at Old People's Home soon enough.'

Anonymous said...

It is being reported that deputy chair of the Ealing Southall Conservative Association has defected to the LibDems over the imposition of a non-Tory who does not even live in the constituency.

Anonymous said...

It can be difficult Sir - to remember where you parked!

Anonymous said...

"But Officer I didnt think publishing dodgy barcharts was a crime."

The Conservatives fell into third place in Ealing Southall last time. That does not look set to change with their candidate who does not even live in Ealing.

Joe Taylor said...

Oh dear, it must be silly season again...

Repeating that pathetic allegation won't make it any more true, Iain. Who do you think you are? Guido?

Your excuse yesterday was that you were repeating allegations made by Grant Shapps (not a defence permissible under libel law, I note).

As was pointed out in the earlier thread, I do hope you apologise with equal energy when these allegations are proved to be the pile of horse manure that they are.

P.S. - your by-election team will not thank you for reminding people that Southall is a Lib Dem vs. Labour fight...

Anonymous said...

Ming"When I were a lad, this place was full of comedians"
Policemen"....."

Anonymous said...

If you're not a flasher sir, why are you wearing that dirty raincoat?

Iain Dale said...

LMFAO at most of these comments.

It doe smake me smile when the LibDems talk about the Tory candidate not living in the constituency. He lives iN Chiswick which is next door.

I tried this trick in North Norfolk as Norman Lamb lived 20 miles away in Norwich. fat lot of good it did me. It won't work there either.

As for the poster allegations, I was making no accusation myself - like the Evening Standard, I was writing a story.

And for God's sake, lighten up. It's a jokey thread. These LibDems really don't have a sense of humour sometimes, do they?

Anonymous said...

"He lives iN Chiswick which is next door."

So, he doesn't live in the constituency.

Anonymous said...

I suppose it might be considered a "choice" - if you're called Hobson.

Anonymous said...

Just because you can't collect your pension from the Post Office anymore Sir is not a reason for calling 999.

Hercules said...

Ming: "I'm lost and I don't know where I live"

Copper: "Poor old bastard, I hope I don't get Alzheimer's when I'm old."

Anonymous said...

Honestly Guv - Tory Deputy Chair in Ealin Southall, Mr Gupta just decided he'd defect to the Lib Dems because he'd had enough of Cameron and his lit(e)weight, PR driven, ride roughshod over members approach to politics

Anonymous said...

Flat-footed, leaden, borissimo.

Anonymous said...

Officer: "You have the right to remain silent..."

Campbell: "Michael Brown? I've never heard of him"

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

http://www.libdemvoice.org/tories-hit-by-defection-in-by-election-seat-of-ealing-southall-958.html

Iain Dale said...

I removed a post above because it made anonymous allegations. If people wish to slag off political opponents they can at least put their names to the post.

Joe Taylor said...

Really Iain. A joke is it? Big ha ha's all round.

This is right out of the online muck-spreading playbook:

1) Post something utterly made-up in order to discredit your opposition
2) Deny all responsibility for said allegations (all the while repeating them to a wider audience)
3) If it all goes wrong, pretend it's all a joke and accuse everyone else of not having a sense of humour

If you think I've not seen it before, you are sorely mistaken!

(My sense of humour is in fine nick, thankyou for asking.)

Joe Taylor said...

Hmm, wasn't that post you've just deleted merely repeating allegations made by another person? :-P

Anonymous said...

It's always betwwen the Lib Dems and someone else!

Do you think they will EVER tell the truth?

Newmania said...

These LibDems really don't have a sense of humour sometimes, do they?


Aha now you are starting to talk Newmania-ese. No they do not .They are a collection of sermonising frauds who would rather steal from a poor box than stand for the National Anthem.


Anyway what about


Mr. M Campbell was confident the charge of impersonating a political leader would never stick

or

“His charisma was so absent I actually slept whilst standing ”.. said bearded Policeman

or

On the fourth day of the Zimmer Frame Recovery Operation Police remained baffled.

Iain Dale said...

Joe, calm down. I am sure you have seen this sort of thing before. In most LibDem by election campaigns, I have no doubt. You can dish it out, but you can't take it, can you?! Calm down dear, it's only a by election.

The Hitch said...

Tosser!
we already have more than enough police , they just dont deploy out of the police station and when they do and now and again catch a miscreant the miscreant just gets a slap on the wrist.
I know the solution but Ming the useless (or any of the others)would dissaprove.
This is why I carry a "weapon" with me everywhere I go.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to find Jeremy Thorpe. I think he stole my charisma.

Anonymous said...

It's a two hearse race!

(though perhaps not given the passing of Piara Khabra, who seems by all accounts to have been a decent chap, even for a Labour MP)

Libdems whining here!

or if we want to be utterly factual about LibDem campaigning:

LibDems fibbing here!

Anonymous said...

'Lib dem leaders seem to be getting older nowadays'

Anonymous said...

"It's always betwwen the Lib Dems and someone else! Do you think they will EVER tell the truth?"

I think you'll find that at the last election Labour won and the LibDems came second. The Conservatives finished in third place. And this time their candidate does not even live in the constituency!

Anonymous said...

"I'm the leader of the LibDems: it's what I do!"

Anonymous said...

"Now then, sir, where did you say you mislaid your front bench?"

Anonymous said...

"And this time their candidate does not even live in the constituency!"

Good heavens, it's an outrage! (It is, of course, quite unknown for the Lib Dems ever to select a candidate who doesn't live locally ...)

Anonymous said...

Mr Campbell was relieved to find someone in authority who was prepared to take him seriously.

Anonymous said...

This is why I carry a "weapon" with me everywhere I go.

You can get done under section 5 of the Public Order Act for getting it out, though. Even judges are getting done these days.

Anonymous said...

"Wrong constituency, Sir, it's next door. Now move along, please."

Keir Gravil said...

Ming's attempt to set up his own 'cabinet of talents' didn't appear to be going well.

The Hitch said...

mr sockpuppet that was very funny.

It could make for a novel defence,

"Your Honour , the lady in question forced pushed me towards an open carriage door, I didnt know whether to toss myself off or block her passage"

Anonymous said...

You can get done under section 5 of the Public Order Act for getting it out, though. Even judges are getting done these days.

Actually, I thought they were getting off (as it were).

Anonymous said...

"Officer, I tell you I'm Ming the Merciless of Mongo!"

"That's as may be Sir, but you've still double-parked your spacecraft. You're nicked."

Tapestry said...

Ming: I do wish you'd go and arrest Iain Dale. He's alleging Liberal Democrats don't have any sense of humour.

Policeman: That's not funny.

Anonymous said...

Officer, can you help me find my walking stick and political acumen? I've lost them...

Anonymous said...

"Officer, can you help me? I'm looking for my friend Mr. Khabra. We live together in a nursing home just down the road from here, but he's been missing for weeks. So young to lose his marbles as he's a good twenty years younger than me..."

Anonymous said...

Officer, can you help me find the MPs for Winchester and Montgomeryshire? They need locking up.....

Anonymous said...

"My, you policeman look awfully young".

"Actually, I retire next month, sir"

Anonymous said...

"I'm sorry officer, she certainly looked eighteen and was very liberal with her charms, nice car too she said!"

Anonymous said...

"I'll come quietly - it's a fair cop.."

Anonymous said...

"I am sorry to hear about these bombs.Have we relieved Mafeking yet?"

Anonymous said...

For at least the last 3 GE's, the LibDem candidates for our constituency have been outsiders. So what?

Anonymous said...

"How did West Ham get away with it?"

Anonymous said...

The Tory lives less than 2 miles from the edge of the constituency
map

PoshWire said...

"If Mr. Brown said you'd have to miss Countdown to join the Cabinet, I don't think you'd join either son."

Anonymous said...

"Are you my nephew?"
"No, sir."

The Hitch said...

"Drunk in the gutter you say?
Im not sure that we can afford the bail this time , the party has a bit of a cash flow crisis, will you accept an IOU?"

Anonymous said...

"Crikey. Where did that old codger appear from?"

"Dunno, Sarge. An empty taxi just drew up and when the door opened, he got out".

Anonymous said...

"The Tory lives less than 2 miles from the edge of the constituency."

So, the Tory candidate does not live in the constituency - unlike the LibDem candidate who does and has done for years.

And, let us not forget, the Conservatives came THIRD in Ealing Southall last time - behind the LibDem and Labour.

Anonymous said...

er, why on earth does it matter whether the candidate lives in the constituency or not? What effect does that have on their suitability for the role? should we limit candidates' selection to people who live in the constituency?

Anonymous said...

"er, why on earth does it matter whether the candidate lives in the constituency or not?"

Looks like the Tories are waking up to their desperate error in picking an outsider to fight this seat.

Perhaps they should have asked local Tories to choose the candidate and not have had a candidate forced on them by the central command. A leading local Tory has already defected to the LibDems as a result.

Perhaps Cameron has now learnt that his control freakery has damaged him.

Daily Referendum said...

Gordon Brown's new 'National Security Council' Goons start to round up trouble makers.

Anonymous said...

There is a lot of touchy libdems round here today. Perhaps they realise that they might struggle to keep second place?

Scipio said...

"Officer - are you giving me an ASBO or an ASBEEN?"

or..

"well officer, I do hope you find it. My wife game me that walking stick on the day I got my first pension - and I have had it for over twenty years you know"

or howabaout:

"of course officer, when I was a lad, the police didn't have body armour. In fact they didn't have radios either! All they had was a pea whistle and a truncheon"

Anonymous said...

The LibDems are turning into a paraody of the League of Gentleman. They can't ALL represent Royston Vasey, can they?

"Vote Tubbs - local votes for local people."

"And don't touch the things!"

Anonymous said...

"Vandalism, you say? I never knew trashing a once great political party was a crime."

"Come this way, sir. You'll now have the opportunity you've been craving to join some of your Labour Party friends."

"Come this way, sir. We are arresting you as a dead sheep, as a preventative measure against any savaging" (With apologies to Denis Healey.)

"Come this way, sir. We've received an entirely disinterested tip-off from your Home Affairs spokesman."

"You Scottish? Thought so. We are arresting you for being part of a longstanding and elaborate conspiracy to swindle London taxpayers."

"Scotland Yard sent us. We understand you know a Mr Lloyd George."

Anonymous said...

"There is a lot of touchy libdems round here today. Perhaps they realise that they might struggle to keep second place?"

You mean the second place we won last time by pushing the Conservative candidate into THIRD place?

Anonymous said...

matthewr

The person who comes second is the first loser.

Anonymous said...

"I left it here I tell you. A political party, big yellow thing, you can't miss it...."

Anonymous said...

The Liberals have just re-shuffled their front bench people.

An observation:

I didn't know who was on the front bench in the first place.

I don't know who's been brought in to replace those I didn't know.

I don't know who did the replacing of those I don't know, who replaced those I didn't know in the first place.

I'm none the wiser.

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid I've got lost. Could you kindly escort me back to the nursing home?

Anonymous said...

The Hitch said...

Tosser!

Sling your hook fatty,you aren't funny anymore.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid I've got lost. Could you kindly escort me back to the nursing home?

Obvious springs to mind.

Anonymous said...

The Hitch said...

"Drunk in the gutter you say?

I've asked you before tubby,go back to the sewer we don't want you here.

Anonymous said...

Ming: "... and that is what we would do to cut crime."

1st Police officer: "Sounds good to me. That is why I'll be voting for Nigel Bakhai on 19th July."

2nd Police officer: "Yes, and did you know that the Tories came third here last time - and the Tory candidate doesn't even live here."

3rd Police officer: "And that Cameron is a terrible lightweight."

Athos said...

While I do find this name-calling exercise a little childish, it does go to show how far behind Labour the Lib-Dems are in terms of Astro-turfing.

If these allegations were made against them, we'd be drowning in random spammery and artisticly-vieled backhanded insults by now. This really is not their area of expertise on the internet.

Anonymous said...

If these 'slings and arrows' are the best that Iain Dale's 'readers' can come up with, I think Ming Campbell can sleep soundly in his bed tonight.

Anonymous said...

I suspect Ming's biggest worry is not whether he will sleep soundly, but whether he will in fact ever wake up the next day...

Anonymous said...

http://www.recessmonkey.com/wp-content/uploads/teatherprincess.jpg

Shame she doesn't have Boris to shadow her..

Anonymous said...

Is Brown genuinely giving away the PM's right to dissolve Parliament? If so, General Election 1st weekend of June 2010???

Anonymous said...

But officer, how can we have been paying people to put up posters when the by-election hadn't even started and they weren't even printed. I suggest you arrest that Iain Dale for libel.

Chris Paul said...

"As Lord Rennard spake in weasel I know nothing of this jovial practice and have myself certainly never participated in such jokery. I'm off to Ealing to prove to the young scallywags that they can teach an old dog a new trick"

"But"

Taps nose conspiratorially

"We're not doing it."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa"

Chris Paul said...

Joe Taylor:

When is Mr Leech going to come out and admit that his Christie Cancer Hospital Hoax was in fact a hilarious joke? Or his oldies falling into open graves wheeze? How we all laughed in Man Wit.

Anonymous said...

Ming: "Do you know who I am?"

Officer: " No sir, but if we can get you back to home, I'm sure matron will tell you."

Anonymous said...

the lib dems came FOURTH in 2001, losing to the Tory's father.

I would imagine that as he and his father own a radio station and an entire road in Southall, he has sufficient local connections

Anonymous said...

What do you mean, Gordon's alive???

Sorry officer, but frankly Duncan Borrowman can swing if he thinks he's running this campaign

Anonymous said...

"Well if Levy and Blair can get away with Cash for Peerages surely you don't mind us giving cash for posters do you officer?"

"Or has the Met now gone politically correct too?"

Anonymous said...

How much iain, do you have to pay posters on this site to repeat baseless gossip designed to hide the fact that Tories have no policies these days and have to draft in candidates who are not even members of the Tory Party?

This 'vavourite sons' idea brings a whole new 21st century persepctive on the Tories' love for aristocracy.