Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Launch of the Chipmunk

Click HERE for Ann Treneman's hilarious sketch of my little chipmunk's campaign launch. Sadly I had to send my apologies... And there's further analysis HERE from Tim Worstall. here are some highlights...
I come to you straight from Hazel Blears’s launch for Labour’s deputy leadership and my ears are ringing. I don’t think it’s tinnitus. Indeed, I know it’s not. Instead it is a new condition called Hazelitis or, as it is destined to be known, Bleary Ear. The problem lies in Hazel’s words-per-minute output. It is a shorthand nightmare. The words crowd together, hundreds of them in every minute, gasping for breath. It is like battery farming with sentences.
Hazel bustled in, babbling about what a fantastic launch she’d had in Salford at the weekend. She wished we had all been there (no one moved a facial muscle at this) and told us all about who had been. “Most importantly, there were lots of Salford Labour party members!” she cried, adding: “Did I say most importantly?” She stopped for nanosecond, which may be her version of a comic pause. “Most importantly was my dad! He was there!” I believe this may have been a Hazel joke. Hazel’s words were filling the room so quickly that it was getting hard to breathe. I can only give you snippets, for obvious reasons. Hazel told us that she wants to “build on success”. Indeed, these were the very words in her brand-new brochure. Her slogan is “Winning for Labour”. She told us this as if it were interesting. Why does not realise that it would only be interesting if she said it was “Losing for Labour”?
But how would she differ from John Prescott? “Well,” she said, giggling. “I’m small and I’m a woman which will be very different indeed!” Plus, she chirped, she had energy. Indeed, she is like one of those battery-operated rabbits who just never stops. We shuffled out, ears almost bleeding, to a rallying cry from the campaign manager, Caroline Flint, perhaps best known as Minister for Obesity. “Hazel Blears doesn’t just talk the talk, she walks the walk. She gets out there. She’s a great motivator. There are no no-go areas for Hazel Blears!”
I suspect this is true. If only there were, the world would be a much quieter place.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Blears is the organ-grinder's monkey
http://www.hurdygurdymonkeyandme.com/

Matt Davis said...

Since she certainly isn't "My" Little Chipmunk, since I can't abide the ghastly woman, could I suggest, in the light of your experience of her press conference, now referring to her as The Duracell Chipmunk?

Fib Dem said...

The Comic Ali of the Labour party.

and look at the mess she left in her part of the Home Office!

AnyoneButBlair said...

Iain
I can't understand why you like this woman. Granted I have never met her, but she comes across apallingly on TV. She embodies in a small package may of the values I despise around NuLab.
Arrogance, patronising, always right - everyone else is wrong, never answers the question, highly partisan, views Orwell's 1984 not as fiction but as a guide to policy.

PJ said...

anyonebutblair - my views on the ghastly blairbot exactly.

barnacle_bill said...

I'm sorry but the very sight of her makes me want to vomit.
I hate to think what effect listening to her may have upon me!

Fib Dem said...

Well she does have the ability to give a blow job standing up, saves any back strain.

Indigo said...

I can't stand the chipmunk blairbot, either. She is no stateswoman. From where I am sitting, it looks to me as if she is modelling herself on Maggie Thatcher (pre-1979). Perhaps that's why Iain likes her.

james higham said...

Go Chippie! Let's get her in there quick. We need someone of her high moral fibre and intellectual calibre. Not to mention her steadfast loyalty.

Daily Referendum said...

I like Hazel, I won't be voting for her party but I wish her good luck.

Anonymous said...

"But how would she differ from John Prescott?"

If Hazel Blears came on to a woman in a lift while in a drunken state, she wold just step over her!

Roger Thornhill said...

No no-go areas? What, like obfustication, hypocracy, clap-trap, B-S, spin, ignoring the question, spouting inane nonsense in a vain attempt at distraction?

Come on Hazel, go for that REAL NueArbeit no-go areas - try sincerity, honesty and integrity. Try resigning from politics and never darkening our screens, papers, web pages or airwaves again you rancid monster.

verity said...

"Rancid monster". I like that.

Anonymous said...

She never did reply to the emails I sent last June asking who owned the signed copy of the official report into the death of Dr David Kelly report the Labour Party auctioned off.

Chuck Unwsorth said...

Believe me, Blears is - in my case - 'a great motivator'.

My motivation is completely homicidal towards the ginger biker chipmunk...