Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Iain Dale Predictions for the Year Ahead

JANUARY

Conservative leader David Cameron asks Paul Gascoigne to be a consultant to a new Tory Commission on Alcohol policy. Gascoigne agrees that "we're all in this togethah, wy, aye man".

FEBRUARY

LibDem leader Charles Kennedy announces his resignation on the grassy knoll outside the Houses of Parliament. Wishing his successor luck, he says he intends to become the Real Opposition.

MARCH

In his spring reshuffle Tony Blair promotes Beverley Hughes to the Cabinet as Chief Secretary only two years after her resignation as Immigration Minister. Speculation mounts that David Blunkett will replace her as Minister for Children.

APRIL

Only a day after Tony Blair expresses his full confidence in her, Beverley Hughes resigns from the Cabinet. "I have done nothing wrong, which is why I'm resigning," she says in her statement to the Commons.

MAY

Reality television takes a new twist when John Prescott agrees to compete in Strictly Come Dancing, while Ann Widdecombe takes to the Australian Jungle only to find the other ten celebrities have already gotten out of there.

JUNE

David Cameron appoints Julian Clary to his commission on Gay Rights. Sitting alongside Clary at a press conference he announces, "We're all in this together...er, except perhaps in this case."

JULY

In an attempt to confuse the public the LibDems finally elect a David Cameron lookalike as their new leader. Nick Clegg tells his first meeting of the LibDem Parliamentary Party, "We're all in this together."

AUGUST

The Blairs spend 27 nights at Cliff Richard's villa (no charge) before spending two weeks in Italy with Silvio Berlusconi (free) and a week in Egypt (blagged). Mr Brown cancels his holiday on Cape Cod and declares, "I'm in Charge".

SEPTEMBER

As the Blairs return from their holiday Gordon Brown announces he intends to "remain in charge". Blair just can't be arsed to argue anymore and resigns. Cherie is apoplectic and leaves for a lecture tour in India.

OCTOBER

David Cameron announces a new Commission on the Conservative Party's Membership of the EPP. "We're all in this together, but not for much longer," he says.

NOVEMBER

On 5th November champion blogger Guido Fawkes unveils a plot to blow up Parliament. Arrested under the Government's new anti-terror laws Guido's blog remains worryingly silent for 28 days. Commenting on the issue, Opposition leader David Cameron says, "Remember, Remember, we're all in this together."

DECEMBER

Fans of the West Wing are shocked when former British PM Tony Blair beats Democratic Candidate Matt Santos to succeed Josiah Bartlett as US President. Blair declares: "My fellow Americans, a new dawn has broken, has it not? But remember, we're all in this together!"

3 comments:

Toots said...

Just like to proffer my thanks for an entertaining 2005 and my introduction to the joy of blog.

Happy 2006. And good luck with the (re)new(ed) slimline you.

*Trips of to off to party, party, party!*

Iain Dale said...

too kind, toots, too kind.

malcolm said...

Very good Iain.Happy new year old chap.