Friday, September 10, 2010

Geraldine Dreadful MP Writes ... to George Osborne



Dear Chancellor,

I write incensed, angered, nauseated and engulfed in a bizarre zen-like trance by recent reports in newspapers that you intend to reduce the budget of the Department of Work and Pensions by some £4bn.

As you are no doubt aware, the budget for this country's social welfare system is the crowning glory of the nation's compassionate achievements, almost all undertaken by Labour administrations. The Englishman's house, even when a local-authority provided house, is his castle, and the regular income from social welfare is the tithe paid by an appreciative government for the client state's peoples' loyal decision not to rebel against the governing elite (note to Comms office - can we make sure this is rigidly dogmatic enough- I never got the hang of neo-post-Heseltinite quasi alternativism).

When I spoke to you about this in the tunnel between Portcullis House and the Palace, I thought you had agreed that point. You certainly said 'Yeah, right' and your unblinking smile would have been taken, in the Labour Party, as clear accord.

As unanimously agreed at last night's plenary meeting of the Hammer East Labour Left Anti-Horseriding FĂȘtes and Gardenparties Subcommittee, reducing social welfare budgets would inevitably reduce the choices open to citizens - the right not to be a slave to the multinational conglomerate dominated 'economy' is one we should value immensely, and it is not your role to question the right of people to repair from the tragedy of the lamentable capitalist Armageddon constantly touted by the hated Conservatives and Lickspittle Democrats (Angela Eagle wants credit for that one if it's used) to their own homes.

As usual, your proposals mask hidden costs. A reduction in those numbers available to watch daytime television would result in reduced advertising revenues, reduced trade for debt consolidation consultants and the possible discontinuation of important socially valuable television programmes such as the trifecta of Cash in the Attic shows and Jeremy Kyle.

In brief, Chancellor, as predicted, you are a thundering disgrace and I look forward to crossing swords with you on the floor of the Commons. Sod the two swordlengths apart.

Yours crossly,

Geraldine Dreadful MP

7 comments:

IvorBiggun said...

Congrats to Ben on these (I assume it's still Ben, though I don"t think he's credited on this one). They really are very good - Geraldine is becoming a must read for me!

anne riddle said...

Love it Iain! Says all there is to say about parasitic socialists. Keep it going please.

anne riddle said...

Love it Iain! Says all there is to say about parasitic Socialists.

lance said...

Brilliant Tory analysis of the problem!

Unemployment is caused by laziness!

Those on benefits are scroungers!

Every can get a job if they just get up off their backsides and onto their bikes!

People can't get money for nothing (unless of course they inherit it from their multimillionaire father!)

You ever tried living on the dole? (Well, I say 'living', it's more like getting by and making do.)

Ben said...

Actually, Lance, I have lived on the dole. It was dreadful, awful, soul-destroying and terrifying. I will never forget it, and it makes me stronger and more forceful in my toryism to ensure that the idea of a life on social welfare is made clearly nonsensical to those around me.

We need, now more than ever, to make sure that social welfare is not an attractive option.

lance said...

"We need, now more than ever, to make sure that social welfare is not an attractive option."

Eh? You've just said it was a horrible experience? How do you make it "not an attractive experience" when it's not, as you've said yourself?

And how many people view it as "an attractive option"?

Hamish said...

This is becoming as boring as Glenda whatshername in Private Eye.