Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Old Labour Pie (with Apologies to Don Maclean)

I'm sure you all remember the song American Pie by Don Maclean. A couple of correspondents (Kevin Dalton & Liam Murray) have emailed me a new version. Anyone else got some good alternative song lyrics to share?

A long, long time ago... we can still remember how
the party used to make us smile.
And we thought if we had our chance,
That we could make the people dance,
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.
But Mandelson he made us shiver,
With every change that he delivered,
But things worked on the doorstep...
We only need one more step?.

We can't remember if we cried
When we found out that they had lied
Turned into something we despised
The day Old Labour died.

So, bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Had a bevy with Lord Levy ?cause the coffers were dry
Some good ol' boys gave us a loan on the sly
Singing now I?ll be a Lord when I die
now I?ll be a Lord when I die

Did you read ?The State We?re In?
And finish with a beaming grin
If the party told you so

Did you believe in British coal
Did Maggie chill you to your soul
Did Tony promise everything would change?

Well once, we were in love with him
'Cause we saw the polls and knew we?d win
And we thought the Union dues
Would banish those Tory Blues

We were a youthful, modern, sassy bunch
With pink carnations and prawns for lunch
but even back then I had a hunch
It was the day Old Labour died
We should be singing'...

Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Had a bevy with Lord Levy ?cause the coffers were dry
So some good ol' boys gave us a loan on the sly
Singing now I?ll be a Lord when I die
now I?ll be a Lord when I die

Now for 10 years we've had Teflon Tone
Making No.10 his family home
But that's not how things are going to be

?Cause now bruiser Prescott?s made Tony scream
With a cowboy hat and a life obscene
And a wage that came from you and me

And while King Tony was looking down
Dave the Chameleon stole his crown
The voter?s heads were spinning
?Does if matter who is winning??

While Gordon read a book on Marx
Protesters gathered in the parks
We sang the Red Flag in the dark
The day Old Labour died
We should be singing'...

Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Had a bevy with Lord Levy ?cause the coffers were dry
So some good ol' boys gave us a loan on the sly
Singing now I?ll be a Lord when I die
now I?ll be a Lord when I die

Helter Skelter another summer swelter
Blair bunked down in his fallout shelter
down in the polls and falling fast

A Party tired of their past
Old Labour simply couldn?t last
The Chameleon has victory in his grasp?.

Opinion polls show certain doom
New Labour types are prone to Gloom
But still they smile and dance
?cause the Liberals have no chance.

As the Tories tried to take the field
With their affairs and loans long concealed
What else could be revealed?
the day Old Labour died.

Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Had a bevy with Lord Levy ?cause the coffers were dry
So some good ol' boys gave us a loan on the sly
Singing now I?ll be a Lord when I die
now I?ll be a Lord when I die

There we were all in one place
A once great party lost in space
With no time left to start again

So come on let?s be retro, let?s be old
Let?s be at our best but not that bold
'Cause Tony is the cause of all our woe?.

As we watched him on the stage
Our hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in hell
Could break this centrist?s spell

And as the polls dive deep right out of sight
Despite our headlong rush to the right
We see Cameron laughing with delight
because Old Labour died.

I met a voter who longed for the Blues
And I tried to remind them of more happy news
But they just smiled and turned away

I went back to that old Clause 4
Where we once took solace years before
But the men there said the mines had gone away

And in Iraq the children screamed
The soldiers died while politicians dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The apologies were token

And the three things we admired the most
The NHS, Schools and the Post
Are almost public sector ghosts
Since the day Old Labour died
We should be singing'...

Bye, bye our Pro-American guy
Had a bevy with Lord Levy ?cause the coffers were dry
So some good ol' boys gave us a loan on the sly
Singing now I?ll be a Lord when I die
now I?ll be a Lord when I die

24 comments:

Theo Spark said...

Absolutely brilliant.

Jonathan Sheppard said...

Surely if someone recorded it - it would get into the charts. Iain - is this the next move after the Little red book - taking the pop world by storm!

It would certainly make the Tory Radio playlist!

mise said...

This is SO clever and SO funny.

Paul Linford said...

Quite, quite brilliant...but why do I think that the people who wrote that are not really Old Labourites, but Cameroons?

Tabman said...

This Charmless Man

Punctured bicycle
On a roadside desolate
Will nature make a man of me yet ?

Shoes following in the car
This charmless man

I'm pampered; represent Witney,
And the leather runs smooth
On the Opposition seat

I would speak out tonight
But my policy cupboard is bare!
This man said "it's odds on
That someone so irksome won't care"

Ah ! A jumped-up Eton boy
Who never knew his place
He said "I love Green things"
He knows stuff-all about these things
He knows stuff-all about these things

(With apologies to Stephen Morrisey )

rigger mortice said...

love it,they should get it recorded like that was bush was right on guidos blog

The past is creeping up on Tony..... said...

What can I say, I was going to use
Theo Spark's words, but he beat me too it.

It is absolutely brilliant.

Tabman said...

Jilted Tone by Jilted Tone

I've been going out with a group
And their name is the Labour Party
But last night they said to me
when we were watching telly
(this is what they said)
They said listen Tone we love you
But there's this bloke we fancy
We don't want to two time you
So its the end for you and we
Who's this bloke I asked them
Goooooordon, they replied
Not THAT trot, I said dismayed
yes but he's no trot they cried - he's more Labour man than you'll ever be

Here we go, two three four

I was so upset that I cried all the way to the G8
When I came out there was Gordon standing with all his mates
And guess who was with him
Yeah, the Labour Party, and they were all laughing at me
oh, they are cruel and heartless
to pack me for Gordon
Just cos he's better looking than me
just cos he's cool and trendy

but I know he's a moron, Gordon is a moron
Gordon is a moron, Gordon is a moron

Here we go, two three four

They are sluts, and he's a creep
they are tarts, he's very cheap...

Iain Dale said...

I can sense a whole album coming on,. Tabman, you've missed your vocation... Can we have one about Ming now?

dearieme said...

"Did you believe in British coal": no wonder the Blairies found their putsch so easy.

dizzy said...

Billy Bragg should record it.

Tabman said...

Yellow (with apologies to Chris Martin)

Look at the votes,
How they pile up for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

Your name is Ming
There's things you bring with you
You know just what to do do
To turn the map yellow

My Focus leaflets gone
Oh all the things I've done
To make those votes yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Mature, oh yeah they're pretty old
D'you know that I respect you so
That I respect you so

My bar chart drawn
Even got up at dawn
Leaflets posted all morn
Advance the cause yellow

In Dunfermline
We even squeaked a win
So close in Bromley too
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Mature, oh yeah they're pretty old
D'you know that I respect you so
That I respect you so

Its true look how they vote for you
look how they vote for you
look how they vote for you
look how they vote for you
look how they vote for you
look how they vote for you
When we need them to.

Tabman said...

Job done. What's my royalty? :-)

If someone else feels creative, I also suggest Zappa's "Valley Girl" and Placebo's "Nancy Boy" as having spoof potential! ;-)

Anonymous said...

With apologies to Aretha...

I'm about to give you all of my money
And all I'm askin' in return, honey
Is to give me my Lordship
When you get home (just a, just a, just a, just a)
Yeah baby (just a, just a, just a, just a)
When you get home (just a little bit)
Yeah (just a little bit)

Ooo, Lord Levy (oo)
Sweeter than honey (oo)
And guess what? (oo)
So is my money (oo)
All I want you to do (oo) for me
Is give it to me when you get home (re, re, re ,re)
Yeah baby (re, re, re ,re)
Tip it for me (inspect, just a little bit)
When you get home, now (just a little bit)

P-E-E-R-A-G-E
Find out what it means to me
P-E-E-R-A-G-E
Take care, TC(L)B

Tabman said...

(David) Cameron - with apologies to the Kinks

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa

I am a simple party hack
Can not tell water from champagne
And I have never met Ed Leigh
And I wish I could have all that he has got
I wish I could be like Cameron

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa

And when I lie on my pillow at night
I dream I could spin like Cameron Lead the blue team to victory
Opinion polls, I'd lead the lot

(wish I could be)
Wish I could be like Cameron
(wish I could be)
Wish I could be like Cameron
(wish I could be)
Conduct my life like Cameron
(wish I could be)
I wish I could be like Cameron

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa

He is our leader in the House
He is the captain of the team
No policy, he's content free
And I wish all his money belonged to me
I wish I could be like Cameron!

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa

And A-Listers in the neighborhood
Try to hang out with Cameron
They try their best but can't succeed
For he is of pure and noble breed

Wish I could be like
Wish I could be like
Wish I could be like

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa

ContraTory said...

Tabman, you'll be eating through a straw if Ray Davies ever finds out what you have just done to one of his songs...

Verity said...

Clever, but they can't record it without permission from Don McLean, who wrote it and owns the copywright.

How about "There's A Bad Moon A-Risin'" by Three Dog Night:

"There's A bad mood arisin'
Looks like there's trouble on the way ..."

Or Willy Nelson's Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up To Be Cowboys.

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Labour"

Vienna Woods said...

Lord Levi’s Lament
Stick a Tony in me pocket, I'll fetch Cherie from the van.
Cos if you want the best 'uns, but you don't ask questions,
Then brother, I'm your man. 'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,
It's like the changin' of the seasons, and the tides of the sea.
But here's the one that's drivin' me beserk, Why do only Tories work?
La-la-la. La-lala-la. La-la-la. La-lala-la.
We've got some half baked Ministers cracked ice and miles and miles of false smiles,
T.V.s, green trees and David Cameron M.P.s,
Title games, ermine, gold chains, Lord names, picture frames and damaged goods,
And Prezza underwear from a balloon silk shop in Shepherds Bush,
Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush ...
All income tax, More V.A.T., no money back, no guarantee,
Black or white, rich or poor, we'll raise prices at a stroke,
God bless Downing Street. Viva Downing Street. Long live Dowing Street.
C'est magnifique, Downing Street, Magnifique, Downing Street, I can’t leave Downing Street (to fade)
Apologies to Del Trotter (he wasn’t as tricky)

andrews said...

"Gordon Brown" (with apologies to The Stranglers).

Gordon Brown - tax your pension.
Waste abounds, with my cash he's flung,
Thrown out of sight, not bloody right.
Always a frown with Gordon Brown.

Every time more than the last,
On his plans, cash just gets cast.
Increased demands, taxes in bands.
Always a frown with Gordon Brown.

Gordon Brown - fines and duress,
Through our wages he's had the rest,
Thrown it away, takes all our pay.
Always a frown with Gordon Brown.

andrews said...

Not forgetting Drs. Biswas & Kay's classic "London Underground" [800 KB flash] (with apolgies to The Jam) ...


Some people might like to get a train to work
Or drive in in a Beemer or a Merc
Some guys like to travel in the bus
But I can't be bothered with the fuss
Today I gotta take my bike
'Cos once again the tube's on strike
The greedy bastards want extra pay
For sitting on their arse all day
Even though they earn thirty K
So I'm standing here in the pouring rain
Where the fuck's my fucking train.

London Underground, London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground, London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I wanna shoot them all
With a rifle.

All they say is "please mind the doors"
And they learn that on the 2-day course
This job could be done by a 4-year-old
They just leave us freezing in the cold
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat
With tourists treading on your feet
And chewing gum on every seat
So don't tell me to "mind the gap"
I want my fucking money back.

London Underground, London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground, London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I wanna shoot them all
With a rifle.

La la la la.
La la la la.

The floors are sticky and the seats are damp
Every platform has a fucking tramp
But the drivers get the day off when
We're all late for work again.

London Underground, London Underground
They're all wankers, they're all wankers
London Underground, London Underground
Take your Oyster card and shove it up your arsehole.

Anonymous said...

I was just a rich kid
And the story's seldom told,
How I squandered Wilson's largess Made the Irish Sea a mess with radiation...

....And struggled to give up the Stansgate Peerage.

All lies and jest? Well the meejah make out what they want...
.... Blair's Labour's just a National Front,
But the cants cant pin the things they want...
on we who left the first class cabins for the steerage.

And what does the Daily Mail do?

Lie lie lie...


I suppose there should be a line about "sought John P's support in getting Chesterfield..."

Average guy on the street said...

I came up with this just before the last election - my Anti-Labour version of "Won't get fooled again", with apologies to The Who.

We'll be fighting in the streets,
With our children and our friends
And the freedoms that we worship will be gone.
And the men who lied to us
Are in government for too long,
They decide and we can only follow.

I'll tip my hat to a true constitution,
Take a bow for a new revolution,
Smile and grin that the future looks bright.
If only we can be free
Just like yesterday,
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again.

The war, it had to come,
We knew it all along.
They were liberated from Saddam, that's all.
But the world looks just the same,
And history ain't changed,
Cos the lies and deception started this war.

I'll tip my hat to a true constitution,
Take a bow for a new revolution,
Smile and grin that the future looks bright.
If only we can be free
Just like yesterday,
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again.
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family from this
If we happen to be left with free choice.
I'll get all my papers I don’t even need,
Though I know that the hypnotized were lied to.

Do ya?

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

There's nothing in the streets
Looks any different to me.
And the slogans don’t win votes, by the way.
And the freedoms we should gain
Are now freedoms we will lose,
And the gullible all will vote for much more.

I'll tip my hat to a true constitution,
Take a bow for a new revolution,
Smile and grin that the future looks bright.
If only we can be free
Just like yesterday,
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again,
Don't get fooled again.
No, no!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Meet the new boss,
Same as the old boss.

andrews said...

There could be comedic potential in:
The Stranglers - Nice'N'Sleazy
The Who - La La La Lies
Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle

I not aware of John Prescott's musical tastes, but he may like:
AC DC - Whole Lotta Rosie
Thin Lizzy - Cowboy Song
I am just a cowboy lonesome on the trail
Lord, I'm just thinking about a certain female ...


(Connoisseurs may like to note that on AC DC's live album a small part of Cowboy Song is inserted into a rendition of Bob Seger's "Rosalie". Just thought you'd like to know.)

andrews said...

Darnit. That shuold be Lizzy's live album ("Live And Dangerous"), not AC DC's.