Friday, July 28, 2006

Top Ten Things for John Prescott To Do When Minding the Shop


10. Make it rain
9. Sort out the Home Office
8. Solve the probably railways strike
7. Manage to avoid touching up office staff
6. Avoid any kind of TV or radio interview
5. Hide Hazel Blears & Jacqui Smith in a cupboard
4. Sell the stetson on Ebay
3. Sort out the Middle East
2. Divert Israeli bombers to Barbados so the temporary job turns into something a little more permanent
1. (In the end) Resign

20 comments:

shergar said...

Is it true, Iain, that in this robust demoacracy, the demcractically elected DPM is refusing to reveal his summer appointments out of craven fear that the hated and feared voters will turn up to heckle and laugh?

Perhaps you could find out where he's going to be, when, and publish for all to see.

Anonymous said...

No. 2 is easy to achieve. Just tell the stupid oaf that Barbados has a Tory government.

RCMarrs said...

It's actually frightening to think this oaf is minding the shop whilst war rages in the Middle East...

Puh-puh-puh-puh please Granville can you get them chuffing Israelites to stop sh-sh-sh-sh shelling those innocent civilians. Chuffing Nora...

Maggie Thatcher Fan said...

I'm quite surprised The Sun headline today wasnt :_
Prezza's in charge, Would the last Person leaving Britain please turn out the light.

Hughes Views said...

Are "probably railways" all that's left after John Major's botched privatisation?!

John Prescott said...

Iain if I may, it's not the sanity of the picket lines that bothers me, it's the sanity of human life. And that's what we're talking about with the union, with railways, we saved money and Jeremy frankly you don't know how to bloody interrupt me when I'm interrupting that's not the point and for sex I have a car with a lot with two only two jaguars now and if she'd said that I would have asked of course of course I would go and see anyone who wanted a dome I mean to replace the dome with money that's for regeneration for Greenwich and no John bloody Humphries I do know where Greenwich is actually but I've asked you before not to bloody interrupt when I'm what I'm saying is and listen carefully that we need the Trident, we need the nuclear thingies and we need this interweb thing and they're all related you see Iain and that's where I'm coming from there was never a flat in the Admiralty or the Arch and I never paid the bill or used the taxpayers council rent to pay my electric oh no never you at the BBC are just like the bloody tories you make up so much and it would be much much worse under the tories of course it would and I have to go now but is it Croquet of course it is we love croquet and for you to have a laugh well Labour will have the last laugh you'll see Sue bloody Lawley and it's great to be back on terra cotta and the sustainable conference about which we discussed from Doha to Monterrey and on to Johannesburg, and this is a global framework, we need to bring it back together in a complete frame, as indeed it was in Rio.

Colin D. said...

What about the promised houses for £63,000 he promised us here in the south east. I've got me name down on a couple. [for progeny's you understand]. Please revise the list and replace No 7. I am sure that kiss & tell "Girls" wont mind a bit!!!! no pun intended!

Harry Basset said...

Surely as chairman of COBRA his first job will be to convene a meeting about the greatest danger facing us, his control of the remains of our once great country.

alfie said...

11) Take a crash course in learning English.

12) Donate his jowls to science.

Ross F said...

Tony Blair will be baffled when he gets back and finds that Rosie Winterton has been promoted to Foreign Secretary. Well maybe not Foregn Secretary, she prefers domestic affairs I beleive.

John Prescott said...

Colin D are you a bloody tory stooge or something?? That house and the house what you were they are both in the new and I mean the regeneration for very low government people with incomes and they are low they need the houses and it won't be any high price, only £300,000 plus a small contribution to my council tax, very fair, and good luck to me and you need some and that's the house where it is Catford Romford Newcastle on Tyne Hull or somewhere that's why we have to demolish bloody tories oh shit is someone taping this

Praguetory said...

Ten things? He's not there til the end of the year is he?

Peter said...

Mr. Marten : But does the Prime Minister recall that in that reply he said that there were no standing arrangements in force for this office? Is not the country entitled to know, as a matter of confidence in the Government, who acts as Prime Minister of this country when the Prime Minister himself is unable to be at his duties? Could he name somebody?
The Prime Minister : In accordance with long-standing practice, if I were out of the country on public business, I should nominate a deputy. [Hors. MEMBERS : " Who?"] The House should be well aware that I should nominate my right hon. Friend the Foreign Secretary in those circumstances.
Mr. Alfred Morris : Could my right hon. Friend tell us which shadow Minister now acts as deputy Leader of the Opposition?
Mr. St. John-Stevas Is not the position of deputy Prime Minister one which is, fortunately, not known to our constitution, which provides only far an alternative Prime Minister in the person of the Leader of the Opposition?
The Prime Minister : The hon. Gentleman is quite right, and in my Answer on 25th April I said that there was no such known office as that of deputy Prime Minister. Arrangements are made ad hoc when, for any reason, the Prime Minister is not able to be present at Cabinet and similar meetings. I leave to hon. and right hon. Members opposite questions about the Opposition.

Hansard 9 May 1968

Anonymous said...

When Tone's away, surely all that's called for is an answering machine that says:

"Thank you for calling about your impending/actual crisis/disaster/bimbo eruption/global warming/asteroid impact/global thermonuclear war/price of fish. As many of you will be aware, this desk is normally closed during August, and since the office of Deputy Prime Minister was abolished due to lack of support and falling into disrepute, we now advise callers with urgent problems to contact our Head Office at the White House, Washington DC, USA where the matter would normally be decided in the end anyway.

"Police officers wishing to make an appointment to interview the Prime Minister under caution are advised that there is now a waiting list for this service and they must make a personal visit to the tradesman's entrance at 10 Downing Street (rear entrance) where they have to take the next ticket off the numbered ticket roll they will find there and wait until they are called. Estimated waiting time is currently six months but we are working to extend that.”

Anonymous said...

No 11 - Get Rosie Winterton out of the Closet?

Verity said...

Alfie: (11) Take a crash.

Why elaborate?

Desperate Dan said...

He can't be any worse than Tony Blair. I've just watched TB at the White House press conference in his favourite role as aspiring world statesman. Nothing JP does or says can ever be as embarrassing as this ham actor.

Anonymous said...

So now you are using the phrase "Israeli bombers."

I sense that maybe you are now seeing sense and condemn the atrocities upon innocent people in Lebanon.

Tom

Anonymous said...

Totally off topic but I too saw our 'Tone' at the White House press conference with George 'Dubaya'
Has our beloved leader had a hair tint? Couln't stop looking at his two tone (no pun intended) hair! Looks dreadful, must have been a home job! Perhaps Grecian 2000 mid chestnut shade?

Anonymous said...

Talking of minding the shop, The Sun reported him getting annoyed when he went shopping and thought he saw his name on a loaf of bread. On a closer look he realised it actually said Thick Cut.