When I drive home from doing a newspaper review on News 24 I usually listen to Stephen Nolan's phone in programme on Radio 5 Live. Last night I tuned in at a quarter past midnight to be 'entertained' by a discussion about the merits of a rampant rabbit. I have to admit that I had never heard of such an implement but soon came to understand that it is, how shall I put it, something which enables ladies to (as the tabloids would say) pleasure themselves.
It was a strangely compelling 45 minutes in that I kept wanting to switch over to something else but didn't want to miss out on anything! There was a fantastic caller called Anne, who was obviously of fairly advanced years, who had me laughing out loud. She was obviously gagging to buy one but couldn't quite imagine herself walking into an Ann Summers shop. And then this morning, flicking through the Indy on Sunday I spotted an article on the same subject by Rowan Pelling, which you can read HERE. Well, you could if you were willing to fork out £60 to the Indy, which I am not. It's on Page 56 if you have the paper to hand.
The point I am coming to, in a Ronnie Corbett-esque manner, is this. Why is it now socially acceptable to discuss womens' masturbatory aids in polite circles, when if one were to have the same conversation about blow up dolls for men (and God alone knows what else) you would be hung drawn and quartered by the feminist lobby, which no doubt believes blow up dolls are demeaning to women. Well what about the poor bloody rabbits!!!
Imagine, you're a poor little fluffy bunny wandering around a nice country garden, and suddenly you look through the conservatory windows and spy the Mistress of the House.... [end this NOW -ed]
I'll just get my coat...
PS Guido is apparently on the same programme tonight. God alone knows what he will be talking about.
PS I was going to illustrate this piece with a picture of the offending item, but having done a Google image search it's given me quite a funny turn. Must go and lie down. Alone.
40 comments:
what programme are you an guido on?
Who said the Channel 4 programme "Sex in the City" had no educational value?
Thank god they didn't clue you in to the Elephant. (no, I am serious)
They should just use exactly the same Q&A with Guido. It would be most amusing to compare the answers.
Perhaps that's what's giving Hazel Blears such an over-excited, blushing schoolgirl disposition during her conference speech right now.
Jeez - if I were a women, I wouldn't want that anywhere near me! What the hell is that thing on the side for?
Anyone care to explain?
Where's Verity when you need her?
Local woman has orgasm. Earth moves, but she is still boring, despite this novel once-in-a-lifetime event.
Ps.: Film at 11. Something by Disney.
Pps.: To satisfy the curiosity of the male bloggers here:
1) I broke mine the first day I got it.
2) It's not very good when it works.
3) Men are not redundant.
4) Being a feminist doesn't mean you can't hitch up with a macho man. In fact, this is one of the best combinations around =)
I think you will find 'the Lembit' is more amusing!
Iain portrays all the cultural erudition of real political junkie.
Adrian,
The side piece is a clitoral stimulator.
There's a thoroughtly entertaining wikipedia article on vibrators for the curious / those not worried about what shows up in their browser history. They are illegal in Texas, apparently.
i think the equivalent male device would be a venus 2000 blow-job machine. how i know this must remain a matter of conjecture. anyway, i am assured that they are even better than the real thing.
When it comes to blow up dolls, it's not feminists you have to worry about.
Think Tory, Think 'A' list
.
Croydonian said...
Adrian,
The side piece is a clitoral stimulator.
"C"
Some people refer to those as "wallets"
Where have you been hiding Iain?
Didn't they have a link to these on Guido's site a while back?
Ps
croydonian is correct
you can own and carry a machine gun in Texas, but woe betide you if you possses a dildo.
Not sure what the concealed carry laws are re: dildos if you have a license.
If I were a mugger and some guy brandished a huge dildo at me as I attempted to rob him I would find that far more scarey than a pistol.
Since the tone has already been lowered, I will gloss Peter's comment with this quip from P.J O'Rourke:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible".
If memory serves, that was in 'Modern Manners - Etiquette For Very Rude People'.
Iain, don't think so, I shall be in bed.
Perhaps we can have a whip round and buy that Sarah Tether woman a rampant rabbit - seeing as nobody has shagged her for an incredibly long time!
Adrian,
"Where is Verity...?"
Verity will no doubt be consulting her three dictionaries to find even more obscure ways to insult other blog-responders. Whether or not she is pro- or anti-rabbit, or whether she can explain the "thing on the side", is largely irellevant given her ability to generate so much self-satisfaction :)
Now what about a post about toys for the boys, one of those blow up dolls?
Btw, I understand this bunny is Anne Summers' number one best seller.
So, Ellee, the question we're all asking is... have you got one?! You seem to be very well informed about them... LOL
"Where is Verity...?" Out buying some `sensible shoes ` perhaps ?
On the subject of pleasure devices for men I have often though that our culture mis-directs its efforts . It was as early as the 1930s that we were promised the `pleasure-bot` but they remain a dream . When oh when will we stop trying to go to the moon and focus on the technological challenges of the electric vagina , the feely suit and the plethora of playthings within our grasp.
`Being a feminist doesn't mean you can't hitch up with a macho man. In fact, this is one of the best combinations around`
I must endevour to become even less macho .The imminent danger of being clubbed and slung over the shoulder of a sack wearing green haired arm pit forest scares me.
*makes note to carry 18 inch anal intruder with him at all times*
Think about it,
its illegal to carry a baton for self defense, so the answer is to carry an 18 inch long rubber cock filled with lead.
If the police stop you tell them you are gay and it is part of your culture (I know it isnt).
Even better make it an 18 inch long BLACK rubber cock and accuse them of institutional racism .
The ultimate politically correct weapon to carry would be an 18 inch long lead filled black rubber cock with tartan motifs and verses of the Koran printed along the side.
read my comments in the MOS.
Just because you can't be arsed to give women sexual pleasure Ian, why knock something which can?
Sara Teather surely is of such a stature to require more a dithering dildo dormouse than a rampant rabbit. Mind you, boy, can she rabbit!
An anal intruder is not the sort of pleasure-bot I had in mind.It would be a very useful debating tool ,though,for use in my regular confrontaions with the `Soshlist Worker`contingent outside the tube .Is `having an offensive person on your weapon` legal ?
(What is a fisk ? )
newmania
apparently you are the expert.
What is the ultimate pleasure "bot"?
Im 43 so for me its a nice cup of tea ,a good sit down and a natter about that f****** slag k*** ****
Newmania - a 'fisking' is rather like a 'fisting' but rather more painful for the recipient.
Peter Hitchens - K------ L------ you mean? If you are talking about the IRA sympathising, jew hating,Bike rider bullying , trafficlight erecting , congestion charge exploiting , London plan amending , housing target increasing ,Coucil over riding ,Transport Budget misusuing ,self advertising , sound bite thinking....Pepsi.
I cannot express my lack of admiration for the man as , for some reason,Iain Dale uniquely won`t let me use the word he calls `C`. Nice `Long Good Friday` use of `Slag`.Now there`s a proper film.
.
Thankyou Doctor.(Doctor of Proctology I assume)
Iain, I can't believe you were listening to Stephen Nolan. There have been masses of complaints about him on the 5 Station board.
He's a revolting man.It just goes to show how 5Live has gone down market, I've been listening for 10 years, and to think Vincent Hanna once did that slot !
Good to see you taking subject matter tips from me. What I love about this report is that you were coming back from a TV studio.
Oh! the irony.
newmania said...
Peter Hitchens - K------ L------ you mean? If you are talking about the IRA sympathising, jew hating,Bike rider bullying , trafficlight erecting , congestion charge exploiting , London plan amending , housing target increasing ,Coucil over riding ,Transport Budget misusuing ,self advertising , sound bite thinking....Pepsi.
No..
I meant that slag Kate Moss.
Verity,come back! We need you.
Oh ...
Sehr geEhrter Iain
So unRomantisch - what's true love got to do with all this
Mit apologies to Tina Turner
Your obedient servant etc
G Eagle
Croydonian is suspiciously well-informed. That's all I'm saying...until this gets edited out!
Raincoaster - a chap has to keep his finger on the, erm, pulse....
Blow up dolls are a huge relief for women. It's men they demean...
Common Greenham Woman :Are you demeaned or relieved then ?
A blow up tube station is very popular in Walthamstow
Croydonain! A clitorial stimulator - oh!
Can anyone tell me what a clitoral is?
As concerned the ultimate male pleasure bot, I thought that was a Ducati? Or am I just old fashioned.
I keep getting spammed for something called 'the fleshlight', which appears to be some kind of artificial vagina!
Ironically, it is being advertised by a rather atractive looking women, whose real vagina would probably be a far more attractive proposition than a metal tube lined with......whatever it is lined with!
And my final comment on the subject - I was once offered the opportunity of trying an anal vibrator - which is suppossed to be the ultimate stimulator of the male g-spot!
Well, I didn't know that I had a G-spot, let alone up my bum. But I do find a good curry and several pints of lager seems to stiumlate my bottom quite well.
That said, my doctor gave me a proctal examination recently (I am at THAT age I'm afraid), and I can honestly say that I didn't find it at all pleasurable!
I don't think he did either!
Any my final anecdote - I had to take my mate to hospital after receiving a realy bad tackle playing rugby, which made him numb from about half way down his back. I was sat by his side (still in my wet muddy rugby kit), when the doctor asked him to turn over so he could examine his back. Then, producing a glove and some KY jelly......I slipped outside at this point, just in time to hear my mate scream! The doctor then asked my poor old mate 'did that give you any sensation in your penis'. Before my mate could respond, I answered' the question is doc, since you have your finger up robs bum, did it give you any sensations in your penis'.
Rob just whimpered - and not in pleasure!
Why am I talking about this???
Right - nuff said. I'm off to think of something more edifying!
As concerned the ultimate male pleasure bot, I thought that was a Ducati? Or am I just old fashioned.
I keep getting spammed for something called 'the fleshlight', which appears to be some kind of artificial vagina!
Ironically, it is being advertised by a rather atractive looking women, whose real vagina would probably be a far more attractive proposition than a metal tube lined with......whatever it is lined with!
And my final comment on the subject - I was once offered the opportunity of trying an anal vibrator - which is suppossed to be the ultimate stimulator of the male g-spot!
Well, I didn't know that I had a G-spot, let alone up my bum. But I do find a good curry and several pints of lager seems to stiumlate my bottom quite well.
That said, my doctor gave me a proctal examination recently (I am at THAT age I'm afraid), and I can honestly say that I didn't find it at all pleasurable!
I don't think he did either!
Any my final anecdote - I had to take my mate to hospital after receiving a realy bad tackle playing rugby, which made him numb from about half way down his back. I was sat by his side (still in my wet muddy rugby kit), when the doctor asked him to turn over so he could examine his back. Then, producing a glove and some KY jelly......I slipped outside at this point, just in time to hear my mate scream! The doctor then asked my poor old mate 'did that give you any sensation in your penis'. Before my mate could respond, I answered' the question is doc, since you have your finger up robs bum, did it give you any sensations in your penis'.
Rob just whimpered - and not in pleasure!
Why am I talking about this???
Right - nuff said. I'm off to think of something more edifying!
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