Monday, December 31, 2007

Not Iain Dale's Predictions for 2008

JANUARY

Daily Express runs front page with no picture of Madeleine McCann......Boris Johnson apologises for comparing Golders Green to the streets of Gaza......In a speech which shakes the political world, new LibDem leader Nick Clegg declares: "I'm a Liberal".

FEBRUARY

Kevin Maguire defects to the Conservative Party......David Miliband denies rumours he is to star in Harry Potter 8.......Hillary Clinton quits Presidential race after Super Tuesday disaster and proclaims: "I back Osama 100%".

MARCH

LibDem Spring Conference marred by Nick Clegg being caught saying to Lady Elspeth: "It's not exactly helpful, is it?" after Sir Ming is caught buying back his classic Jaguar (petrol consumption 4mpg)......Tory blogger Iain Dale sacked from Tory A List for proudly declaring he had bought a new Audi which emitted 300g of carbon per kilometre......Alastair Darling mysteriously disappears on Budget Day. Gordon Brown delivers the speech instead.

APRIL

Guido becomes Director of the Smith Institute in a bid to scotch accusations of political partiality......Government apologies for mislaying discs containing records of 85,000 prisoners. Jacqui Smith says it just goes to prove the case for ID cards......Launching the LibDems local council election campaign, Nick Clegg shocks his candidates by proclaiming: "I'm a Liberal".

MAY

Boris apologies for beating Ken Livingstone and is overheard at victory party saying to a key aide: "Cripes, what now?"......Government withdraws amendment on 42 days and tables new amendment calling for 28 and a half days. Please......David Cameron makes the Tory position on an EU Referendum absolutely crystal clear when he says: "We are in favour of a referendum if the Treaty hasn't been ratified but even if it has we would still be in favour of it, whatever it is, oh yes we would, yes sirree. I couldn't be clearer than that."

JUNE

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith quits after clambering over the Despatch Box during Home Office Questions and slapping David Davis across the face, shrieking: "I used to work on the beauty counter in Debenhams, you know!" Having got rid of his third Home Secretary David Davis gets to keep the Home Office......In mini reshuffle David Cameron promotes Nadine Dorries to the Shadow Cabinet, telling friends it was the only way to get her to stop blogging. The next day Nadine blogs "How dishy Dave popped the question and why I blushed"...... LibDem leader Nick Clegg appoints David Blunkett as his adviser on Home Affairs. Announcing the appointment on Da Ali G Show, he declares: "Is it becoz I is a Liberal?"

JULY

ConservativeHome says "Cameron must do better", as Tories score 74% in YouGov poll. Lord Ashcroft widens his target seat campaign to include Bolsover, Rhondda and Bootle...... Home Secretary Liam Byrne says Early Release Scheme for murderers is the only way to free up enough prison places for really serious crimes...... David Cameron forced to cancel trip to Rwanda after his Witney constituency is affected by a plague of locusts. Andrew Mitchell is disconsolate.

AUGUST

Labour MP Tom Watson photographed delivering Christmas presents to the Miliband children...... Labour Whip Tom Watson resigns from government over "complete misunderstanding"...... Much bitterness at CCHQ as Steve Hilton and Andy Coulson resolve their differences in a Cage Fight.

SEPTEMBER

Professor Anthony King recovers from stroke after learning of the first Conservative By Election victory for twenty years......LibDem leader Nick Clegg takes his party conference by storm by telling his party faithful to "go back to your constituencies and tell them I'm a Liberal"...... The Labour conference gets off to a bad start when the Police beat up the Police Minister Tony McNulty in a case of "mistaken" identity. "That'll learn him," says Manchester Chief Constable Mike Todd.

OCTOBER

In a bid to top last year's speech, David Cameron speaks to the Tory Conferences with no clothes. "What you see is what you get," he tells the Tory faithful...... The Tories announce their Green manifesto and Simon Heffer self combusts, live on Richard & Judy...... On a state visit to the Ukraine, French President Nicolas Sarkozy enters key Ugandan discussions with Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko.

NOVEMBER

Cherie Blair's memoirs cause a storm after she reveals the fishy present she left for Gordon Brown in the Number Eleven curtains...... Mike Huckabee wins the US Presidential Election and declares: "I won it for Jesus". Jesus was unavailable for comment but is said to have wept...... LibDem Home Affairs Spokesman Chris Huhne arrested by House of Commons policeman for carrying a knife. Coincidentally he was standing behind LibDem leader Nick Clegg at the time.

DECEMBER

Electoral Commission forces LibDems to pay back the Michael Brown £2.4 million. Nick Clegg launches fundraising appeal across the nation with the slogan: "I'm a Liberal, dontcha know"...... In final PMQs of the year David Cameron shouts to Gordon Brown: "Why don't you just f*** off and let me have a go?" Brown replies: "I'll take no lectures from the Right Honourable Gentleman ... 1992 ... Black Wednesday ... blah ... economic stability ... blah ... prudence with a purpose ... blah ... 586 quarters of economic growth ... well, apart from the last two ... er ... I'll take no lectures from the Right Honourable Gentleman... ...... Iain Dale's debut appearance on ANY QUESTIONS gets off to an unfortunate start when Jonathan Dimbleby introduces him with the words: "And our fourth panelist is Britain's leading Conservative blogger, Tim Montgomerie."

30 comments:

verity said...

June was brilliant!

Atlas shrugged said...

I have one wish for the coming year that I know with absolute certainty will not happen. That would make a more positive difference to ordinary peoples lives then any other single thing imaginable.

Given the FACT that all serious crimes are carried out by less then half of one percent of the population.

All serious crooks should get a mandatory 15-life sentence with no remission under any conditions. ALL elected crooks should also receive a public flogging and forced to live in Scotland if they eventually get out.

All the rest should be given hand guns and trained to use them by the state.

If this was done this country would almost overnight become the safest and most desirable place to live in on the entire planet.

Of cause the very real problem with this, as I see it. Is that lawyers in general are even bigger crooks then politicians and gangsters. As they are the ones that benefit the most from our 'revolving door' judicial system.

So maybe I will have to think again?

The Last Boy Scout said...

I would laugh if even some of that came true. Nice one Iain, happy new year.

Daily Referendum said...

Excellent!

Chest cracker said...

How about January 2009, Iain Dale abandons politics to write new comedy show for channel 4!!


Very very funny - well done and a prosperous new year.

judith said...

You forgot to mention (see Telegraph) where GB gets ousted and Andy Burnham (?Andy Burnham!!?!) replaces him.

Happy New Year to you all.

Man in a Shed said...

But what is a Liberal ? Excellent stuff - private eye should be watching .

The question for 2008 is "Is Nick Clegg an Englishman ? ".

More for 2008 please !

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Brown still not explaining that Vision thing then?

javelin said...

"In a bid to top last year's speech, David Cameron speaks to the Tory Conferences with no clothes"

Come'on Iain these aren't all predictions - this one must have been a a dream you had.

Oscar Miller said...

A tour de force Iain. Great to start the last day of the year with such a good laugh. Here's to a happy new year.

bj said...

JUNE: The Treasury admits losing four computer discs containing the details of all Iain Dale's unique users. "Three quarters of Britain" said to be in danger of internet fraud. BBC News 24 invites Alex Hilton to review the papers, sparking a massive flounce from Iain Dale. "This is typical left-wing bias," he says, "and not why dozens of News 24 viewers pay their licence fee. The BBC should hang its head in shame."

JULY: Peter Allen resigns from Five Live Drive, and is replaced by a Scarlet Macaw, which sits in a cage squawking only "Text us! 85058!". The macaw interviews Hazel Blears, and wins hands down.

AUGUST: Scandal as the new Blue Peter tortoise is named "Nye Bevan" after a phone poll by viewers. "The tortoise must hang its head in shame," says Iain Dale. West Ham begin another season in the Championship, thanking their lucky stars for parachute payments.

Iain: happy new year.

Curbishlyauto said...

ConservativeHome?

Spot on Iain.

Anonymous said...

supererb !

and clearly scotland is independent at some point

every day that passes is a day closer the beloved day :-)

Adrian Yalland said...

quiet day then Iain?

Paul Donnelley said...

Surely Hillary says "I back Obama" not Osama - even the Clintons are not that changeable...are they?

Iain Dale said...

Paul, irony not your string point?!

Paul Donnelley said...

Oops. I am so used to seeing similar "mistakes" in newspapers!

vervet said...

Have to open up a pedants corner here Iain ...

One either offers apologies or one apologises.

The correct form of the Ali G quote should be: "Is it cuz I is a liberal?"

Otherwise an excellently amusing sign-off for 2007 !

Happy New Year !

Anonymous said...

Sorry Iain

I have to correct you on July.

Home Secretary Liam Byrne says Early Release Scheme for murderers is the only way to free up enough prison places for Labour Ministers convicted in the donorgate scandal ......

verity said...

BJ - Very funny!

anthonynorth said...

I predict you got the months in the right order.

Anonymous said...

All good fun, but you haven't scheduled the appearance of the men in white coats in the vicinity of No 10?

Thanks for entertaining us in 2007 - much appreciated!

verity said...

Vervet writes: "The correct form of the Ali G quote should be: "Is it cuz I is a liberal?"

Surely the correct form of the Ali G quote is "Is it cuz I'ze a liberal?"

Jo A said...

Great fun!

Mike Rouse said...

Good work!

Twig said...

Anon 31/12 10:14 AM
Hmmm, Brown still not explaining that Vision thing then?


He did. His vision is for 2008 to be a year of "real and serious changes" See HYS on Mr Bean's New Year Speech

Anonymous said...

Knowing his premiership is going down the pan along with any meaningful place in history Gordon Brown declares Scottish independence and insists he become First Minister of Scotland as head of the largest group of MPs.

The SNP refuse and insist there must be a referendum.

bj said...

Oh Christ, I've made Verity laugh. Worrying.

raincoaster said...

Nice reference to "The Candidate." And undoubtedly prescient.

Anonymous said...

Iain, I have just stumbled across this via Robin Lustig's blog as I was away over New year, and this has given me a [belated] hoot !!

Hope you will be re-visiting some of these 'Mystic Mogg' predictions during the year - 'truth is always stranger than fiction' !