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Thursday, June 14, 2007
Begging for Jokes...
I'm speaking at a dinner for Cambridge University Conservatives tonight, so if anyone's got any really good jokes for me, do let me know in the comments. And if you're attending the dinner, don't look in the comments to avoid disappointment...!
101 comments:
Anonymous
said...
THere'll be plenty of jokes there so I wouldn't worry.
A long time ago Britain was a kingdom ruled by a king, later Britain acquired an empire, and was ruled by an emperor. Now Britain is a country, ruled by....
Sad rather than funny - The Health Secretary's father, Sir Lennox Hewitt, rose to dizzy heights in the Australian Civil Service (Cabinet Secretary, I think). In 1970s he appeared in front of the Royal Commission on Australia's Public Sector. He told them "I have not previously encountered the suggestion of objectives for a Department of State. The Royal Commission will presumably not need anything more from the department than a copy of the administrative arrangements" sic.
Is her performance and obsession with targets some sort of reaction to her upbringing to prove that she's not Daddy's girl??
Blind man goes into a bar, taps his way to the counter, and says 'Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?'
Female voice from behind the bar says 'Excuse me, sir, before you go on you should know that I am blonde and have a black belt in Karate; the manager is blonde, 6 foot tall and weighs 14 stone; and the waitress is blonde and does Thai kick boxing for a hobby. Now, are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?'
The man thinks for a moment. 'Nah', he says, 'I couldn't be bothered explaining it three times'
Well I presume "blue" is out of the question so how about a "snow white joke"?
Iain Dale is driving down the road in his Audi listening to his ipod and not really paying attention , when BANG he collides with another car . The driver of the other car happens to be a dwarf , he gets out of his car looks at the damage , walks up to Iain Dale and says "Im not happy"
A school teacher was giving a lesson on politics to her class of 10 year olds. She asked them if there was an election tomorrow how many would vote for Labour. Most of the class had no idea what she was talking about and so raised their hands, except for one boy sitting at the back. "So, Johnny, you won't be voting labour" she asked. "No Miss I will vote Conservative" he replied. "And why is that" asked Teacher. "Well, my mum votes Conservative and my dad votes conservative" he said.
Teacher was cross about this and said to Johnny "So if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot what would that make you then?"
Aren't the Cambridge University Conservatives a joke in their own right? How many of them are there, after all? Anyway, Cambridge must have changed. It was a solid bastion of middle class left-wingery in the 60s and 70s. Don't tell me the undergrads are now all civilised. How very worrying.
I usually park up close to Brown's and nip in and get their hot chocolate. Used to be served in a huge bowl/cup. Very refreshing after that interminable M11 grind from the capital. They've probably gone out of business by now...
A Cambridge Graduate got a job working for Winston Churchill when he was ist Lord of The Admiralty as his assistant. He wrote his first report and put it on Churchill's desk. Churchill immediately sent it back marked 'Review and Improve'. The graduate was a bit put out, but dutifully worked through all the material again, and found two minor additions he could make. He put it on Churchill's desk a second time. It came back, again marked 'Review and Improve'. The graduate went through it once more, and could only find one minor alterations, and put it on Churchill's desk a third time.
It came back again, marked again 'Review and Improve'.
The graduate had had enough, and put his report back on Churchill's desk, marked 'i can see no further improvements'. Churchill memoed back - 'right. now I'll read it.'!!
only a chuckler, but quite fun, showing how attitudes have changed.
George Osborne is so thick, he thinks VAT 69 is the Popes phone number.
When it rains, Ian McCartney is the last to know.
John Prescott works eight hours a day and sleeps eight hours a day, trouble is that it is the same eight hours.
The way Ann Widecombe finds fault, you'd think there was a reward.
David Cameron has the manners of a Gentleman. Of course, they don't belong to him.
Whenever William Hague walks into a room, he gets a cringing ovation.
Boris Johnson can speak at least 120 words per minute, with gusts of up to 150!
Peter Mandelson is so conceited, if he was asked to name the seven wonders of the world, he would mention himself twice.
Ken Livingstone was an unwanted child. When he was given a rattle, it was attached to a snake.
David Cameron made his money the old fashioned way. He inherited it.
William Hague, for many years was an unknown failure. Now he is a known failure.
Put three Norther irish MPs on a desert island and within a week there would be three churches.
Northern Ireland election night: 'With three cemeteries still to be heard from, it is too close to call'.
The Daily Mirror asked Boris Johnson what he would like for christmas and he replied, 'nothing'. When asked a second time, he said, ok then, a large bottle of whisky and a box of mints.
The Mirror ran the story: Tony Blair wants peace around the world this Christmas, David Cameron wants richer Nations to feed the poor of Africa and Boris Johnson wants a large bottle of Whisky and a box of mints.
Why does the new Argentine Navy have glass bottomed boats? So it can see the old Navy.
Can I tell you about something I saw that sums up why we fear what is happening to our society. For me it represents callous atomised and brutal London today . I got out of Covent garden Tube in broad daylight and a man was beating a woman , his wife , I gathered , with a stick or it may have been metal piping . It was the vicious aftermath of marital break up , “Give me the baby “ he kept shouting in a psychotic inchoate whine . What really shocked me though were the reactions of passers by. A group of children blatantly laughed as the poor women was beaten out of her senses and her child stolen , others hurried on with an air of having seen it all before . Some of them whooped and egged on the demented aggressor. Finally the Police turned up and the man was apprehended . I have to say the sadistic treatment of what was obviously a sick man meted out by the officer was none to edifying. As blow after sickening blow landed on his head , I began to see the awful truth……
Then to my astonishment a crocodile leapt out of nowhere stole all the sausages………….
I have a load of jokes that I wrote that I allow people to use for free. They are all clean. http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Comedy_Soccer/Broox.htm I have done jokes on the posh sport of polo. This will be the right demographic at cambrdige. http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Comedy_Soccer/ho.htm I do stand up comedy at high security mental hospitals. As a community service. The paedoes and serial killer types don't like my comedy, mind you banker robbery types found my jokes about polo hilarious. I suppose they can afford that background.
Alf knocks on door. Joan answers door. Alf: Hello Joan, is Charlie in? Joan: (sob) No Alf...he passed away suddenly last night..(sob). Pause. Alf: Did he say anything about a tin of paint?
There were two old men sitting in deckchairs. One said the the other, "It's cold out here". The other one replied, "Well, put it away then!". Boom, Boom
You could upgrade the Winterton Cockle Pickers' Joke with reference to this event here. A half marathon across the bay, including some wading. Sunday week.
You could do a moral tale about the Tory Boy Blogger that never apologised. They'd like that.
Scene, divorce court in Africa. Kindly judge, 'So now little boy, what are we going to do with you? Do you want to go and live with your mother?
'No sir, please,' boy lowers head, 'my mother beats me.'
Judge, 'Oh dear! How about going to live with your father then?'
'No sir, please,' boy lowers head again, Father, he gets drunk, he beats me. Brings home drunken friends, they beat me too.'
Well, says Judge this won't do. What about your Grandmother?
No sir, please,' says the boy lowering his head again, Grandma, she worst of all, she beats me the hardest.
The judge just doesn't know what to do so he adjourns the court for ten minutes. As the court files out he asks the clerk to take the boy on one side and find out who should look after him.
The clerk takes the boy to one side and talks to him. The boy makes a suggestion. The clerk is surprised at the suggestion and says he will have to search his legal books to see if it is possible.
The court reassembles. The Judge asks the clerk if they have a suggestion. Yes sir, it is an unusal suggestion but there is nothing in the legal books to say it can't be done.
The kindly judge turns to the little boy, 'Well who would you like to look after you? The boy replies, raising his head, the English Cricket team sir.'
Judge. Why do you want the English cricket team to look after you?
The boy replies, Sir, it is well known throughout the whole of Africa ( the boy spreads his arms out wide.) that the English Cricket Team never beat anyone.
Melissa Kite decided to learn and horse back riding. She mounts the horse , but the she begins to slip from the saddle. She grabs for the horse's mane but she slides down the side of the horse. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Colin the Sainsbury’s security guard manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Two blokes are talking to each other over a pint in the pub.
One of them says to the other,
"Gawd, I had a really embarassing slip of the tongue the other day. I went into a travel agent's to buy two flights for Pittsburg. I walked up to the counter where there was this blonde with the most enormous breasts. They were huge. I got seriously distracted and instead of asking her for two flights to Pittsburg, it came out as
"Hello, I'd like to buy two tickets for Tittsburg"
They both laughed. The other guy sympathised and said, "Yes, that is very embarrassing, mate. But not half as embarrassing as something that happened to me the other day. I was having dinner with my wife when I meant to ask her
Its that time when everyone say s what their father does for a living , . One of them is very quiet but the teacher presses him for an answer. Finally he says “ OK the truth is my father dances in a gay bar in women’s underwear and does extras for Sailors” The teacher says” Now really I `m sure that isn`t true” “Oh god alright alright” says the boy “ Actually he`s an MEP but I was to ashamed to admit it ….”
A man and a woman got married. He was a Conservative and she was a socialist. Unfortunately, on the wedding night they got into a political argument in bed and ended up laying back to back.
After about 15 minutes of grim silence the wife said "Darling, there's a split in the Labour Party and if the Conservative member were to stand now he would be sure to get in."
The husband replied "It's too late now, he's already stood as an independent and lost his deposit."
Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative? A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore. The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
Cowboy goes into bar, sees older man staring into full bowl of chilli - eventually says "If you don't want that, can I have it. ?" Older man pushes it across, younger one starts eating.
Half-way down he finds a dead mouse, and shrieks. Older man looks over, say "Yup, that's about as far as I got too"
If all else fails there is a joke called," The Aristocrats ". I am sure you will have a personal acqaintance who will give you the bare bones of the joke, and you can extemporise from there. Most of your readers will probably know of it.
Chuck Unsworth 1.18pm - Brown's is still very much there. In fact it's one of two good restaurants in Cambridge. If anybody knows of any others please let me know.
Still, with the Chequers in Fowlmere and the Cricketers in Clavering (where I was born) both nearby, it's not that big a deal ...
Mickey Mouse wants a divorce and goes to instruct his solicitor. Few days later the solicitor calls him and says "Sorry Mickey, I've looked into this and I don't think you can divorce Minnie cos she's got protruding teeth" Mickey says " I didn't say that. I said she was f***ing Goofy"
also, there's a good one I heard on Mock the Week.
"When they were making Braveheart, people thought it was ridiculous that Mel Gibson was given the role of William Wallace. After all, how can an American-Australian possible play a Scotsman properly?
An earnest young feminist from Oxford University read a report from the early nineteen sixties about the practice in many African countries where women had to walk 10 yards behind the men - so shameful was the crime of being a woman.
She wanted to see if the 60s, the rise of feminism and post-colonialism had done for women's rights. So she flew to Africa and was amazed with what she saw.
Women were now walking ten yards ahead of the men. She was ecstatic. Feminism had worked. Women were no longer second class citizens so she ran over to the first woman she saw...
'Isn't it brilliant, because of feminism you are now ahead of the men rather than lagging behind?'
The woman responded 'it isn't feminism you idiot, it's the landmines'.
Alternatively, lots of Labour and Oxford gags will suffice.
I understand that the present CUCA committee (or perhaps next term's) is entirely appointed as there was not a single valid nomination. The reason was that they instituted a rule that to qualify to stand you have to attend a given number of campaigning sessions during the previous term, but they then forgot to organise enough for anyone to be able to meet the quota!
So, having tactfully checked out the facts over dinner, how about: "I was going to start my speech with a joke, but then thought it would be better just to congratulate the winners of your recent internal elections (which I understand comes to much the same thing)."
The person up the thread who said that in the 60s and 70s Cambridge was all lefties, is totally wrong as regards the late 70s. In 1978, when I was up, CUCA membership peaked at 1,100 out of about 8,000 undergraduates. You could ask them how much they have built on the 1978 figure!
See the Daily Mail on line for some amusing info on the Cambridge graduate Apprentice winner (comes up if you Google Apprentice winner Magdalene).
Surely the jokes should be topical? After mocking Gordon Brown for recycling jokes, you can't palm off a load of old chestnuts that have been on the after dinner circuit for years. How about congratulating the audience on attending and saying that you don't know how they managed to drag themselves away from the ferver of the Labour Party Deputy Leadership contest (!) Say that you are as nervous as Patricia Hewitt awaiting a call on the Cabinet reshuffle from Gordon Brown. Say this week Ruth Kelly called for a reduction in translation services and said people should speak English properly if they are going to fit in - she can afford to say that now that Prescott's leaving. Kelly is well-known for wearing a barbed wire device round her thigh as a form of penance - she chose that in preference to listening to further speeches by Gordon Brown. I'm not saying Gordon Brown is dour but the Germans are saying that they don't want him at the EU talks next week because they find him humourless.
OK so perhaps none of the above is hilarous but at least it's TOPICAL and not about 10 years old. PS I liked The Hitch's joke about Hazel Blears.
Harry died. He'd led a good life, not misbehaved spectacularly or hurt too many people. He provided a good living for his wife and family and left his children well-educated and provided for the future.
He was something of a rarity and St Peter greeted him warmly, deputing one of his assistants to show Harry around. They walked along the corridors of the headquarters and Harry noticed that the offices had their occupants' names on the door. He noticed plaques with the names on them: St Peter, St Paul, Archangel Gabriel, Archangel Michael, Tony Blair, Saint Matthew -- " Hang on a minute!" he said, "Tony Blair? He is not dead is he? Anyway, what's he doing there?"
"Oh no" laughed the assistant. "That's actually God's office -- he just thinks he's Tony Blair!"
Mention of Hazel Blears brings to mind a topical variation on the old joke.
"Gordon Brown wants more loyalty from the Deputy Leadership candidates and thinks they should stand up and be counted. Oh, sorry Hazel, you already were."
Maybe that would work better as part of a Rory Bremner script.
laurence boyce - is there any reason we should know about why you have got a picture of John 'Cold Feet' Thompson where your 'avatar' should be ? It isn't a subtle drink related pun is it ?
Anon. 6.02. Sorry "ferver" should have been fervour. I notice that this evening ITV is showing a talent competititon entitled "Britain's Got Talent". BBC 1 is showing a deputy Labour leadership Question Time - which rather proves the opposite. Iain could finish by saying that he must stop as Tony Blair described him and his ilk as "feral beasts" this week and considering we never really discovered the fate of Humphrey the Cat, he doesn't want to push his luck.
Anonymous 8:32. Yes, and you need a sense of humour to think that Anonymous is an interesting nomme de guerre.
I haven't seen any jokes from (that I know of) other expats,either. One needs to be live in a country to judge its mood accurately.
I wonder whether Tony Blair and Michael Barrymore will be sharing the Royal Suite at Pentonville, or would there be a dispute over which queen takes precedence through the cell door when coming back from one's lunch?
They could work on "Am I bovvered skits" for the Christmas show. Tony Blair could "play his guitar" and Michael Barrymore could "sing".
This from new Zealand. Just substitute Tony Blair for Helen Clark and Gordon Brown for Michael Cullen and all should be well.
Helen Clark called Michael Cullen into her office one day and said, 'Michael, I have a great idea! We are going to go all-out to win back the confidence of the grassroots electorate'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' asked Cullen.
'Well,' said Helen 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Driza-Bone coats, some proper gumboots, a stick and a leather hat - oh, and a collie; then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old pub, in Taihape, or one of those country towns, and show how we really enjoy getting back to the heartland. We'll mix and mingle with the locals, and get to understand their problems and aspirations - to let them know the Labour Party has not forgotten them.'
'Right PM' said Cullen.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite collie in tow, they set off from Wellington. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for, found a nice quiet pub and, with the dog at heel, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening barman, may we have two pints of Lion Red,' said Helen.
'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of the best it is, coming up'.
Clark and Cullen stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to the locals who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar swung open, and in came a weather-beaten old farmer. He walked up to the collie, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He too walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Clark and Cullen could stand it no longer, and called the barman over.
'Tell me' said Clark, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom around here?'
'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a collie in this bar with two arseholes.'
The Late Viscount Alanbrooke, whilst serving as Churchill's C.I.G.S., took a dislike to the contents of a Paper he was perusing. Being unwilling to commit himself to something rude which a lady Secretary might see, he wrote, in the usual green ink, at the end of the paper: "Round Objects".
Churchill saw this and minuted back: "Who is Round? And why does he object?"
101 comments:
THere'll be plenty of jokes there so I wouldn't worry.
You could try Ann Winterton's joke about the Morecambe Bay cockle pickers?
No?
Why did Princess Diana drive a Mercedes?
She wouldn't be seen dead in a BMW.
Here is about Emily Parr from Big Brother 8 "I'm not a racist, I have colour TV!"
I can recommend the following, which got a colleague of mine into some trouble:
Q: What's the similarity between lesbians and actuaries?
A: No one knows exactly what it is that they actually do.
Q: What's the difference between lesbians and actuaries?
A: No one would pay actuaries to watch them do whatever it is that they actually do.
A long time ago Britain was a kingdom ruled by a king, later Britain acquired an empire, and was ruled by an emperor. Now Britain is a country, ruled by....
Gordon Broon.
Sad rather than funny - The Health Secretary's father, Sir Lennox Hewitt, rose to dizzy heights in the Australian Civil Service (Cabinet Secretary, I think). In 1970s he appeared in front of the Royal Commission on Australia's Public Sector. He told them "I have not previously encountered the suggestion of objectives for a Department of State. The Royal Commission will presumably not need anything more from the department than a copy of the administrative arrangements" sic.
Is her performance and obsession with targets some sort of reaction
to her upbringing to prove that she's not Daddy's girl??
What do you call a fly without any wings?
A walk!
Blind man goes into a bar, taps his way to the counter, and says 'Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?'
Female voice from behind the bar says 'Excuse me, sir, before you go on you should know that I am blonde and have a black belt in Karate; the manager is blonde, 6 foot tall and weighs 14 stone; and the waitress is blonde and does Thai kick boxing for a hobby. Now, are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?'
The man thinks for a moment. 'Nah', he says, 'I couldn't be bothered explaining it three times'
(Better suss out the audience first)
How can you tell if you have just had intercourse with a Sloane Ranger or an Essex Girl?
One says thank you for having me the other says thank you for coming!
Well I presume "blue" is out of the question so how about a "snow white joke"?
Iain Dale is driving down the road in his Audi listening to his ipod and not really paying attention , when BANG he collides with another car . The driver of the other car happens to be a dwarf , he gets out of his car looks at the damage , walks up to Iain Dale and says "Im not happy"
A school teacher was giving a lesson on politics to her class of 10 year olds. She asked them if there was an election tomorrow how many would vote for Labour. Most of the class had no idea what she was talking about and so raised their hands, except for one boy sitting at the back. "So, Johnny, you won't be voting labour" she asked. "No Miss I will vote Conservative" he replied. "And why is that" asked Teacher. "Well, my mum votes Conservative and my dad votes conservative" he said.
Teacher was cross about this and said to Johnny "So if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot what would that make you then?"
Johnny replied "A labour supporter"
Credit to Hemel Hempstead Conservatives
Aren't the Cambridge University Conservatives a joke in their own right? How many of them are there, after all? Anyway, Cambridge must have changed. It was a solid bastion of middle class left-wingery in the 60s and 70s. Don't tell me the undergrads are now all civilised. How very worrying.
I usually park up close to Brown's and nip in and get their hot chocolate. Used to be served in a huge bowl/cup. Very refreshing after that interminable M11 grind from the capital. They've probably gone out of business by now...
iain - try this link..
http://www.blatchat.com/f.asp?id=15
What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwed the miners, the other one screwed the Majors.
Not brilliant, but still, probably not as offensive as the one's you've had to censor. Regretting asking now, aren't you?
Apocryphal, maybe true...
A Cambridge Graduate got a job working for Winston Churchill when he was ist Lord of The Admiralty as his assistant. He wrote his first report and put it on Churchill's desk. Churchill immediately sent it back marked 'Review and Improve'. The graduate was a bit put out, but dutifully worked through all the material again, and found two minor additions he could make. He put it on Churchill's desk a second time. It came back, again marked 'Review and Improve'. The graduate went through it once more, and could only find one minor alterations, and put it on Churchill's desk a third time.
It came back again, marked again 'Review and Improve'.
The graduate had had enough, and put his report back on Churchill's desk, marked 'i can see no further improvements'. Churchill memoed back - 'right. now I'll read it.'!!
only a chuckler, but quite fun, showing how attitudes have changed.
Not so much a joke as some observations on CUCA and student politics in Cambridge in general (albeit most of it now a long time ago)...
http://libertysrequiem.blogspot.com/2007/05/bottom-of-class.html
George Osborne is so thick, he thinks VAT 69 is the Popes phone number.
When it rains, Ian McCartney is the last to know.
John Prescott works eight hours a day and sleeps eight hours a day, trouble is that it is the same eight hours.
The way Ann Widecombe finds fault, you'd think there was a reward.
David Cameron has the manners of a Gentleman. Of course, they don't belong to him.
Whenever William Hague walks into a room, he gets a cringing ovation.
Boris Johnson can speak at least 120 words per minute, with gusts of up to 150!
Peter Mandelson is so conceited, if he was asked to name the seven wonders of the world, he would mention himself twice.
Ken Livingstone was an unwanted child. When he was given a rattle, it was attached to a snake.
David Cameron made his money the old fashioned way. He inherited it.
William Hague, for many years was an unknown failure. Now he is a known failure.
Put three Norther irish MPs on a desert island and within a week there would be three churches.
Northern Ireland election night:
'With three cemeteries still to be heard from, it is too close to call'.
The Daily Mirror asked Boris Johnson what he would like for christmas and he replied, 'nothing'.
When asked a second time, he said, ok then, a large bottle of whisky and a box of mints.
The Mirror ran the story: Tony Blair wants peace around the world this Christmas, David Cameron wants richer Nations to feed the poor of Africa and Boris Johnson wants a large bottle of Whisky and a box of mints.
Why does the new Argentine Navy have glass bottomed boats?
So it can see the old Navy.
If you`re feeling brave
Can I tell you about something I saw that sums up why we fear what is happening to our society. For me it represents callous atomised and brutal London today .
I got out of Covent garden Tube in broad daylight and a man was beating a woman , his wife , I gathered , with a stick or it may have been metal piping . It was the vicious aftermath of marital break up , “Give me the baby “ he kept shouting in a psychotic inchoate whine . What really shocked me though were the reactions of passers by. A group of children blatantly laughed as the poor women was beaten out of her senses and her child stolen , others hurried on with an air of having seen it all before . Some of them whooped and egged on the demented aggressor.
Finally the Police turned up and the man was apprehended . I have to say the sadistic treatment of what was obviously a sick man meted out by the officer was none to edifying. As blow after sickening blow landed on his head , I began to see the awful truth……
Then to my astonishment a crocodile leapt out of nowhere stole all the sausages………….
I have a load of jokes that I wrote that I allow people to use for free. They are all clean.
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Comedy_Soccer/Broox.htm
I have done jokes on the posh sport of polo. This will be the right demographic at cambrdige.
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Comedy_Soccer/ho.htm
I do stand up comedy at high security mental hospitals. As a community service. The paedoes and serial killer types don't like my comedy, mind you banker robbery types found my jokes about polo hilarious. I suppose they can afford that background.
An old Eric Morecombe joke.
Alf knocks on door.
Joan answers door.
Alf: Hello Joan, is Charlie in?
Joan: (sob) No Alf...he passed away suddenly last night..(sob).
Pause.
Alf: Did he say anything about a tin of paint?
What about the hilarious tale of President Ronald Reagan and anti-communists?
There were two old men sitting in deckchairs. One said the the other, "It's cold out here". The other one replied, "Well, put it away then!". Boom, Boom
You could upgrade the Winterton Cockle Pickers' Joke with reference to this event here. A half marathon across the bay, including some wading. Sunday week.
You could do a moral tale about the Tory Boy Blogger that never apologised. They'd like that.
Hmm.. No jokes, but I'm sure there must be plenty of mileage in the 'Apprentice' winner being an alumnus of Cambridge University.
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car
at some lights whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Oh come on the yardie gag is funny its sweetly innocent .
Alright then
Whats the similiarity between 4.30 in the morning and a pigs tail
Twirly
What about this , now Labour are going to cancel A levels in the Ancient World we will soon be calling the battle of Marathon the battle of Snicker.
I supose my joke about confusing Mace with foreplay is out of the question ?
mikeyp: are you sure that wasn't a kindly and learned judge on a train? no? hard to tell without the CCTV evidence?
I'm going to be all blonde now and ask Newmania to explain his crocodile joke :)
I don't know how widely this joke has spread.
Scene, divorce court in Africa.
Kindly judge, 'So now little boy, what are we going to do with you? Do you want to go and live with your mother?
'No sir, please,' boy lowers head, 'my mother beats me.'
Judge, 'Oh dear! How about going to live with your father then?'
'No sir, please,' boy lowers head again, Father, he gets drunk, he beats me. Brings home drunken friends, they beat me too.'
Well, says Judge this won't do. What about your Grandmother?
No sir, please,' says the boy lowering his head again, Grandma, she worst of all, she beats me the hardest.
The judge just doesn't know what to do so he adjourns the court for ten minutes. As the court files out he asks the clerk to take the boy on one side and find out who should look after him.
The clerk takes the boy to one side and talks to him. The boy makes a suggestion. The clerk is surprised at the suggestion and says he will have to search his legal books to see if it is possible.
The court reassembles. The Judge asks the clerk if they have a suggestion. Yes sir, it is an unusal suggestion but there is nothing in the legal books to say it can't be done.
The kindly judge turns to the little boy, 'Well who would you like to look after you? The boy replies, raising his head, the English Cricket team sir.'
Judge. Why do you want the English cricket team to look after you?
The boy replies, Sir, it is well known throughout the whole of Africa ( the boy spreads his arms out wide.) that the English Cricket Team never beat anyone.
Hazel Blears is an accomplished tap dancer? She fell off once and broke her leg in the sink.
Here's my current favourite joke:
Council tax
Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's
girlfriend but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control.
Who'd want to live near Windsor Castle?
A man went to Millwall for a laugh, and came out in stiches.
Jesus glides into a pub and stands in front of three men. One from London, one from Manchester and one from Liverpool.
He drinks from the first glass and the cockney says:I can see! My eyes! I was blind, now I can see!
He drinks from the second glass and the mancurian says: My legs! My crippled legs!I can walk!
He goes to the scouser and the scouser pulls away his pint in terror and exclaims!
F*** *** Jesus! I'm on benefits!
Melissa Kite decided to learn and horse back riding. She mounts the horse , but the she begins to slip from the saddle. She grabs for the horse's mane but she slides down the side of the horse. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Colin the Sainsbury’s security guard manager runs out to shut the horse off.
An Asian man dies and goes to Heaven where he is greeted by a sceptical St Peter.
"What can I do for you?" says St Peter to this obvious follower of Islam.
"I've come for Jesus" says the chap.
"Are you sure?" asks St Peter
"Yes, I've come for Jesus" repeats the man.
"Ok then" says St Peter and opening up the pearly gates he shouts through them:
"Oi Jesus - your cab's here!"
Two blokes are talking to each other over a pint in the pub.
One of them says to the other,
"Gawd, I had a really embarassing slip of the tongue the other day. I went into a travel agent's to buy two flights for Pittsburg. I walked up to the counter where there was this blonde with the most enormous breasts. They were huge. I got seriously distracted and instead of asking her for two flights to Pittsburg, it came out as
"Hello, I'd like to buy two tickets for Tittsburg"
They both laughed. The other guy sympathised and said, "Yes, that is very embarrassing, mate. But not half as embarrassing as something that happened to me the other day. I was having dinner with my wife when I meant to ask her
"Darling, would you mind passing the salt?"
but unfortunately when I said it, it came out as
"Bitch! you've ruined my life"
(As told to me by an ex-girlfriend)
Have you noticed that Gordon Brown's hands are highly sexual.....everything he touches will get f**ked
A bit gayist but still
Its that time when everyone say s what their father does for a living , . One of them is very quiet but the teacher presses him for an answer. Finally he says “ OK the truth is my father dances in a gay bar in women’s underwear and does extras for Sailors”
The teacher says” Now really I `m sure that isn`t true”
“Oh god alright alright” says the boy “ Actually he`s an MEP but I was to ashamed to admit it ….”
A man and a woman got married. He was a Conservative and she was a socialist. Unfortunately, on the wedding night they got into a political argument in bed and ended up laying back to back.
After about 15 minutes of grim silence the wife said "Darling, there's a split in the Labour Party and if the Conservative member were to stand now he would be sure to get in."
The husband replied "It's too late now, he's already stood as an independent and lost his deposit."
The other evening, as I got in the local, I spotted, to my astonishment, René Descartes sitting at the bar. Goodness, I thought, I'm sure he died sometime in the 17th century. What's he doing here? Better find out.
So I walked over to him and said "Bonsoir, M'sieur Descartes - may I buy you a drink?" He looked at me in a rather superior way and said "I think not!"
And then, with a very surprised look on his face, he just faded away....
Retired man on blanket on Florida beach reading. A lady puts her towel down not too far away.
She remarks about the weather. He grunts and returns to his book. She comments on a film, he grunts again. She tries again, and each time he is brusk.
She tries agai "Do you like pussy-cats ?"
He stands up, throws off his trunks, strips her and has his way.
Afterwards she say "How did you know that was what I really wanted ?"
He says "How did you know my name is Katz ?"
Alan Douglas
Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
Am I right , course Iam
Cowboy goes into bar, sees older man staring into full bowl of chilli - eventually says "If you don't want that, can I have it. ?" Older man pushes it across, younger one starts eating.
Half-way down he finds a dead mouse, and shrieks. Older man looks over, say "Yup, that's about as far as I got too"
Alan Douglas
This is a great Marx Bothers line
Hi is tha Sari you are wearing
No it a Sarong
I`m Sari I was Sarong
( waggle cigar)
show the pic of gb eating his own snot.
If all else fails there is a joke called," The Aristocrats ". I am sure you will have a personal acqaintance who will give you the bare bones of the joke, and you can extemporise from there. Most of your readers will probably know of it.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walks on the moon...
Michael Jackson f*cks little kids.
How about this?
"hazel blears told a joke yesterday , it brought the house down"
Chuck Unsworth 1.18pm - Brown's is still very much there. In fact it's one of two good restaurants in Cambridge. If anybody knows of any others please let me know.
Still, with the Chequers in Fowlmere and the Cricketers in Clavering (where I was born) both nearby, it's not that big a deal ...
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't want your kind in here." The mushroom says "Why not, I'm a *fun guy*."
Geddhit?
I'll get mt coat.
Wow, Iain has quite a selction to choose from. This one is v. old and corny but has a university theme.
Have you heard about the new Master of College? Chap by the name of Bates.
Why are there no horses on the Isle of Wight
Because people prefare Cowes to Ryde.
Mickey Mouse wants a divorce and goes to instruct his solicitor.
Few days later the solicitor calls him and says
"Sorry Mickey, I've looked into this and I don't think you can divorce Minnie cos she's got protruding teeth"
Mickey says
" I didn't say that. I said she was f***ing Goofy"
Gwil ap Tomos
Q) What do Japanese men do during an erection?
A) They go out to vote.
also, there's a good one I heard on Mock the Week.
"When they were making Braveheart, people thought it was ridiculous that Mel Gibson was given the role of William Wallace. After all, how can an American-Australian possible play a Scotsman properly?
Well, look at him now. An alcoholic racist!"
The Undergraduate Blues:
"I woke up this afternoon"
And... rather strangely..Hemel Conservatives have a jokes section
http://www.hemelconservatives.com/jokes/
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
...Cancer.
If you are feeling very brave...
An earnest young feminist from Oxford University read a report from the early nineteen sixties about the practice in many African countries where women had to walk 10 yards behind the men - so shameful was the crime of being a woman.
She wanted to see if the 60s, the rise of feminism and post-colonialism had done for women's rights. So she flew to Africa and was amazed with what she saw.
Women were now walking ten yards ahead of the men. She was ecstatic. Feminism had worked. Women were no longer second class citizens so she ran over to the first woman she saw...
'Isn't it brilliant, because of feminism you are now ahead of the men rather than lagging behind?'
The woman responded 'it isn't feminism you idiot, it's the landmines'.
Alternatively, lots of Labour and Oxford gags will suffice.
RS
What's the difference between a stage magician and the Labour front bench?
The former has a cunning array of stunts while....
" Yes there was genuine News Reading gaff which started , ' A chief Kentstable of ..I `m sorry I`ll start that again.."
I understand that the present CUCA committee (or perhaps next term's) is entirely appointed as there was not a single valid nomination. The reason was that they instituted a rule that to qualify to stand you have to attend a given number of campaigning sessions during the previous term, but they then forgot to organise enough for anyone to be able to meet the quota!
So, having tactfully checked out the facts over dinner, how about: "I was going to start my speech with a joke, but then thought it would be better just to congratulate the winners of your recent internal elections (which I understand comes to much the same thing)."
The person up the thread who said that in the 60s and 70s Cambridge was all lefties, is totally wrong as regards the late 70s. In 1978, when I was up, CUCA membership peaked at 1,100 out of about 8,000 undergraduates. You could ask them how much they have built on the 1978 figure!
See the Daily Mail on line for some amusing info on the Cambridge graduate Apprentice winner (comes up if you Google Apprentice winner Magdalene).
Surely the jokes should be topical? After mocking Gordon Brown for recycling jokes, you can't palm off a load of old chestnuts that have been on the after dinner circuit for years.
How about congratulating the audience on attending and saying that you don't know how they managed to drag themselves away from the ferver of the Labour Party Deputy Leadership contest (!)
Say that you are as nervous as Patricia Hewitt awaiting a call on the Cabinet reshuffle from Gordon Brown.
Say this week Ruth Kelly called for a reduction in translation services and said people should speak English properly if they are going to fit in - she can afford to say that now that Prescott's leaving.
Kelly is well-known for wearing a barbed wire device round her thigh as a form of penance - she chose that in preference to listening to further speeches by Gordon Brown.
I'm not saying Gordon Brown is dour but the Germans are saying that they don't want him at the EU talks next week because they find him humourless.
OK so perhaps none of the above is hilarous but at least it's TOPICAL and not about 10 years old.
PS I liked The Hitch's joke about Hazel Blears.
Newmania, you are as funny as you are sane.
Harry died. He'd led a good life, not misbehaved spectacularly or hurt too many people. He provided a good living for his wife and family and left his children well-educated and provided for the future.
He was something of a rarity and St Peter greeted him warmly, deputing one of his assistants to show Harry around. They walked along the corridors of the headquarters and Harry noticed that the offices had their occupants' names on the door.
He noticed plaques with the names on them: St Peter, St Paul, Archangel Gabriel, Archangel Michael, Tony Blair, Saint Matthew --
" Hang on a minute!" he said, "Tony Blair? He is not dead is he? Anyway, what's he doing there?"
"Oh no" laughed the assistant. "That's actually God's office -- he just thinks he's Tony Blair!"
Why thank you anon .
I thought that was pretty good stuff Charlotte HIGNFY ...ish.
Cameron
Mention of Hazel Blears brings to mind a topical variation on the old joke.
"Gordon Brown wants more loyalty from the Deputy Leadership candidates and thinks they should stand up and be counted. Oh, sorry Hazel, you already were."
Maybe that would work better as part of a Rory Bremner script.
How many axe murderers read Iain Dale's blog?
One that we're aware of but probably far more who got away with it.....
Q Why do men like women in leather?
A Because they smell like new cars.
gary elsby - I think you have foxed us all with the Boris Johnson 'joke' - we sort of 'get it', but isn't it meant to be satirically amusing ??
I nearly forgot...
My father was a lucky man. He died peacefully, in his sleep....
unlike his passengers who were screaming in terror.
laurence boyce - is there any reason we should know about why you have got a picture of John 'Cold Feet' Thompson where your 'avatar' should be ? It isn't a subtle drink related pun is it ?
"ferver" ?
A man walked into a pub and asked for an innuendo.
So the barmaid gave him one
Anon. 6.02. Sorry "ferver" should have been fervour.
I notice that this evening ITV is showing a talent competititon entitled "Britain's Got Talent". BBC 1 is showing a deputy Labour leadership Question Time - which rather proves the opposite.
Iain could finish by saying that he must stop as Tony Blair described him and his ilk as "feral beasts" this week and considering we never really discovered the fate of Humphrey the Cat, he doesn't want to push his luck.
aha - 'fever' didn't really quite work in the sentence..
Charlotte Corday - Very good! I hope Iain uses some of them.
Nobel peace prize - I would kill for that.
Iain,
Why are your blog readers such a bunch of freaks?
Start with the line "I saw a Cambridge Tory Councillor the other day. Wasn't Life on Mars a great series !"
Iain,
Here's a great joke for you:
Norfolk Blogger
say no more?
No contribution from Verity I see.
But then you need a sense of humour to appreciate jokes...
...the mice do play.
Right now, Iain should be speaking in Cambridge and (being a gentleman) will have switched his Blackberry off.
Which means that you can leave any comment you want.
Anonymous 8:32. Yes, and you need a sense of humour to think that Anonymous is an interesting nomme de guerre.
I haven't seen any jokes from (that I know of) other expats,either. One needs to be live in a country to judge its mood accurately.
I wonder whether Tony Blair and Michael Barrymore will be sharing the Royal Suite at Pentonville, or would there be a dispute over which queen takes precedence through the cell door when coming back from one's lunch?
They could work on "Am I bovvered skits" for the Christmas show. Tony Blair could "play his guitar" and Michael Barrymore could "sing".
Why did Soviet Policemen travel in threes?
One who could read and write
One who could work the telephone
And one to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals! Boom boom.
Verity:
I only used that ploy to smoke out the sense of humour we all knew you had!
[albeit well buried for most of the time...]
This didn't seem like a proper posting on Iain's blog without a proper contribution from you.
Thanks, Verity!
Verity does not have a sense of humour. And she is overweight.
No, I’ve never been told that I look like John Thompson, though I was once told that I look like Jesus!
boycie - you are not the messiah - just a very naughty boy !!!
good to see hazza harman making an arse of herself on question time..
"Right now, Iain should be speaking in Cambridge and (being a gentleman) will have switched his Blackberry off."
BOTTOMS! KNICKERS! NIPPLES!
HEHEHE!
This from new Zealand.
Just substitute Tony Blair for Helen Clark and Gordon Brown for Michael Cullen and all should be well.
Helen Clark called Michael Cullen into her office one day and said, 'Michael, I have a great idea! We are going to go all-out to win back the confidence of the grassroots electorate'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' asked Cullen.
'Well,' said Helen 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Driza-Bone coats, some proper gumboots, a stick and a leather hat - oh, and a collie; then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old pub, in Taihape, or one of those country towns, and show how we really enjoy getting back to the heartland. We'll mix and mingle with the locals, and get to understand their problems and aspirations - to let them know the Labour Party has not forgotten them.'
'Right PM' said Cullen.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite collie in tow, they set off from Wellington. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for, found a nice quiet pub and, with the dog at heel, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening barman, may we have two pints of Lion Red,' said Helen.
'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of the best it is, coming up'.
Clark and Cullen stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to the locals who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar swung open, and in came a weather-beaten old farmer. He walked up to the collie, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He too walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Clark and Cullen could stand it no longer, and called the barman over.
'Tell me' said Clark, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom around here?'
'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a collie in this bar with two arseholes.'
The Late Viscount Alanbrooke, whilst serving as Churchill's C.I.G.S., took a dislike to the contents of a Paper he was perusing. Being unwilling to commit himself to something rude which a lady Secretary might see, he wrote, in the usual green ink, at the end of the paper: "Round Objects".
Churchill saw this and minuted back: "Who is Round? And why does he object?"
What do you call the guy in the convienience store who checks the best before dates?
Asif.
In case you need good jokes in future you can try http://JokeDiary.com
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