Thursday, March 02, 2006

Got a spare joke, Guv?

Tonight I am speaking to Epping Forest Conservatives. I very stupidly told them I would be funny. Got any jokes I can use?!


Toque said...

I got stung by a bee yesterday.....20 quid for a jar of honey!

Boom boom.

A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub. The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer.
The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”.
“Why not?” asks the bra.
“Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they wanna start something!”

Taxi for Toque.

Ed said...

I hear that NewLabour jokebook from Politicos is quite good :D.

Mary Hinge (from Essex) said...

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again? " says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions
Girl: OK
Medic: What's your name?
Girl: Sharon?
Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
Sharon: Yes
Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
Sharon: Romford, mate

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful! It's not just one car! said the Essex girl, There's hundreds of them!

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it" So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot" "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them

RememberRinka said...

You would like a topical joke?:

"There's an Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman (call them Oliver, George & Dave) who look at evidence from around the world suggesting that cutting taxes creates economic growth & is a good thing. So faced with an electorate who thinks they are grossly overtaxed, they start talking about redistributing wealth and only cutting taxes when they can afford it."

Geddit? No neither do I.

wonkotsane said...

I've got a good one. It's about this Conservative MP, known as DD to his friends, who supported an English Parliament for years and then decided it was a bad idea to get some votes in a leadership election which he subsequently lost.

I thought it was funny.

Paul Linford said...

I've a feeling you're going to regret asking this question by the end of the day, Iain....

How about the one about Mark Oaten and Charles Kennedy? Anything about the Lib Dems is bound to be fairly topical today!

Theo Spark said...

Take a Lib-Dim, that should do the trick!

Jeremy W said...

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet s***'s itself."

HowRidiculous said...

Depending on your definition of funny, you won't need jokes...

Edward said...

What do Charles Kennedy and Julius Caesar have in common? They both got knifed by men in sandals.

Apparently the Iranian President has told all men and women in Iran to shave off their pubic hair. He wants to eliminate Bush.

Andrew Woodman said...

You can't really tell jokes about vibrators to a local Conservative party!!

Anonymous said...

In an attempt to eradicate bird flue the Irish government has just bombed the Canary Islands...

ian said...

Ha! Serve them right for trusting a politician!

Anonymous said...

Q. Why did the Lib-Dem cross the road?

A. To get to the centre ground.

Niles said...

Here's a good one. It wasn't quite told like this to me when I heard it last, but I'm sure you get the general drift. Just for you, I'll waive the usual fee.

Whenever I go drink-driving, I carry three cards with me.

If the police pull me over and ask me to blow into a bag, I hand them the first card. It says


If the blighters persist, and ask for a blood sample, I hand them the second card. It says


Sometimes that gets me off. But sometimes they still carry on, so for those cases, I carry a card that says



Iain Dale said...

So cutting, Alex, so cutting...

Biodun said...

Heard This Recently:

Have you heard about George Bush's tactic for dealing with bird flu?

He is going to bomb the Canary Islands.

Niles said...

Maybe I got a little too much into leaflet-writing mode...

Have a look at my blog for where the joke came from in the first place.

A little self-effacing humour goes down well. Perhaps you can tone down the last card a little.

Anonymous said...

woody662 said...
"You can't really tell jokes about vibrators to a local Conservative party!! "

You can in Essex!

Toque said...

If we are on the subject of Lib Dems...

"Join the Lib Dems and widen the circle of your friends"

Tasteless I know.