Wednesday, August 22, 2007

You Know You're a Conservative When...

Complete the above sentence in the comments and I'll post the best suggestions below... Why do I think I might live to regret this?!

I'll start it off...

You know you're a Conservative when...

1 At the age of fourteen it's Margaret Thatcher rather than Jordan who rocks your boat.

2 You get arrested because your definition of free market extends to believing that everything at the market is free.

Over to you...

113 comments:

Kafka said...

When someone says "Change" you look in your wallet ......

Anonymous said...

You close hospitals when you are in power and campaign to keep them open when in opposition - and you make a pigs ear of that as well.

Anonymous said...

... the majority in the country no longer agree with you.


(Go on Iain, let it go - free speech and all that!)

Anonymous said...

... when you think it was Black Wednesday rather than the Scott report that most damaged the party's standing.

magnus said...

.. "you're willing to tolerate the party lurching the left and still renew your membership."

dante straw said...

... you find yourself reading Iain Dale's Diary every day

Praguetory said...

I wish your blogging block had continued based on your two bizarre suggestions. You know you're a conservative when you have faith in human nature.

molesworth 1 said...

"...several of the country's topp health organisations praise your leader's outstanding management of his very own 'accident & emergency' department in central office, it having surpassed targets in the production of both 'accidents' & emergencies' in the last few weeks...hem-hem"

C4' said...

When you cut yourself, you pour blue hair dye into your open wound because you want to bleed blue blood.

Cranmer said...

...you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on the Forces of Conservatism;
If you can trust yourself when the media doubt you, but make allowance for their biased agenda:
If you can meet with New Labour and Spin and treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools...

(with apologies to Mr Kipling, who still makes exceedingly good cakes...)

Anonymous said...

you stop voting to pose and let the lessons of Life determine your politics.

[as in "everyone is right-wing on matters of which they have personal experience"]

Anonymous said...

When There's a hole in my head, and St Peter is reading out a Bloody long list of the past.

Tom FD said...

You start having nightmares about seeing Gordon Brown at your local supermarket.

Anonymous said...

...you admire Tony Blair

Newmania said...

You know you’re a Conservative when you start shouting at the BBC before you turn the television on

You know you’re a Conservative when people remember you from school as the one who said “ Well go and live in Russia then !”

You know you’re a Conservative when you still think you had pretty good point

You know you’re a Conservative if you mutter “f....ing Brown...” when it starts raining
You know you’re a Conservative if you are prepared to get clinical frost bite to continue smoking

You know you are a Conservative if you cannot hear" Government money" without thinking "My money"



You know you are a Conservative when you are busy working to pay for the 8,000,000 in the public sector and the 5,500,000 of working age on benefits. When you know there are no schools for your children, when you find NHS service to be about the level of Communist bread queue, when the FSA all but puts you out of business and if you stay afloat the government hits you with taxes you never thought of . When you wonder why 1,000, 0000 homes to be built in the South are for immigrants not even here yet . When you are sad the Union is gone but know it is .When Ken spending £400,000 sucking up to the Chinese does not alter your opinion of him, when you can’t see any future for nyone who is not a hired state lackey and yet....

You still think this is the best country in the world !

Ithenku

The Hitch said...

I hate to admit it but Lady T did stir something within me during my teens. It was the Sterness.

How about
"you know you are old when the leader of the conservative party is both younger and more liberal than you are"

Votedave said...

...you're serious about getting rid of this Labour government.

PSJ said...

... you have judgment, a sense of history and a knowledge of economics.

Anonymous said...

You attack your own leader, but freak out when the BBC do it.

more vulgar than a vulcans vulva said...

...when you have the balls not to post as a series of anonomongs on blogs to try and reinforce your humourless and boring points.

more vulgar than a vulcans vulva said...

...somebody says "Cameroon" the first thing you think of isn't the sh1thole that passes for a country in equatorial Africa.

Useless Tory said...

...you see Emily Maitlis's legs and all you feel is outrage.

Harriet Hamster said...

Ken Loach
At long last someone takes a stand against Mr and Mrs Marr

Not before time

Pogo said...

You know you're a Conservative when... ...you resign from "Cameron's Conservatives" and join UKIP.?

Laurence Boyce said...

You know you’re a Conservative when you support pretty much anything that America, the Military, or the Church gets up to, without even bothering to check.

Charles said...

You rather like the country as it is.

You occassionally wear tweed.

You apologise when someone treads on your toe.

You feel admiration for Falkland Islanders and Gibraltarians.

You can't understand why Slovakians can live here without a visa but New Zealanders can't.

You believe in free will, even for non-white, non-affluent members of society.

You watch the Queen's Speech at Christmas.

You prefer libraries to "ideas zones", headteachers to "lead learners" and pupils to "students".

You think the House of Lords was better with the hereditaries.

Sam said...

...your instinctive response to a piece of proposed legislation is "why is this necessary".

Anonymous said...

. . . you read Ian Dale's diary and realise he's 'not one of us'.

Alan Douglas said...

... when all the great ideas you have are attacked by Liebour before they snitch them, and implement them very badly.

Alan Douglas

Tony said...

...you think back to Margaret Thatcher's final speech in the motion of no confidence in 1990 and you find yourself shouting "You would still wipe the floor with these people".

Tuscan Tony said...

...you can't listen to the Today programme without throwing toast at the radio.

Anonymous said...

You are open minded enough to allow NuLab and Libdem bloggers post comments on your blog...

...because no-one visits their's

sceptical said...

When the Nulab trolls on this site, Guido and elsewhere sound exactly like Dave Spart...

fairdealphil said...

When you need a car to follow behind with your shoes when you ride your bike to work...

When the wheels come off your bike...

When you publish documents without bothering to check the facts and can't even get it right in your own backyard...

When you know that you're stuck with a Leader who know's his party's not for turning...

Laurence Boyce said...

You know that you’re a Conservative when you think that John Redwood might have something useful to say.

simon said...

you can't kick a ball into an open goal without falling over your own feet

IanP said...

when you believe 'lurching to the right' means correcting the wrongs.

The Splund said...

...You have a ginger lunatic abusing your Party leader every week in the Telegraph...

Anonymous said...

you're genuinely surprised to learn that the first 'B' in BBC stands for 'British'

Daniel Lucraft said...

you watch Star Wars thinking the Empire has a point of view.

In Like Flynn said...

you choose to visit Blackpool in October

Tone made me do it - he's a bad influence said...

You have recurrent day dreams of chaining up the gates of the BBC and Sky staff car parks at 3.30pm on a Friday afternoon so none of the @@@@ing commie ********s can get home for the weekend.

Anonymous said...

...you enjoy ten years of uninterrupted growth and prosperity and you still won't vote for the Government that made it happen.

Doug said...

I think it was Charles Kennedy that said the Conservative Party was the party of Simple Minds whereas the Labour Party was the party of Dire Straits. Therefore, you know you're a Conservative when "Don't you forget about me" has been your rallying call for the last ten years, only to fall on deaf ears.

Newmania said...

you enjoy ten years of uninterrupted growth and prosperity and you still won't vote for the Government that made it happen.


Thats 15 years anon twit and the governments that made it happen were the Thatcher and Major ones if any government creates wealth.
Certainly not this one . So why don`t you vote for the Party that made it happen?...Did you kmnow that Major had already handed interest rates to the B of E as part of Maastricht ...Browns great achievement...nope ... just picked it up and took the credit.




You know you are a Conservtive when you know you should ignore the pubescent braying of anon dimwits but reply anyway....sigh

Newmania said...

I think it was Charles Kennedy that said the Conservative Party was the party of Simple Minds whereas the Labour Party was the party of Dire Straits. Therefore, you know you're a Conservative when "Don't you forget about me" has been your rallying call for the last ten years, only to fall on deaf ears.

No he said shimple minds and the flubber pity are drirey states. Liberal party musical taste doesn’t go much beyond the Public sector BMW free CD but ....I think for them the band has to be Blancmange ...long forgotten now

bebopper said...

When you are told that emigration has increased every year for the last ten years and you think:
"If I were thirty years younger, I'd go tomorrow".

bebopper said...

When, despite your advancing age, you decide that if Brown somehow convinces the punters that he's fit to rule the country, you'll emigrate anyway.

Anonymous said...

When, David Cameron announces that he will take England and the UK out of the EU!!!!

On 21 June 2007, the European Heads of State met in Brussels. At this summit, an "amending treaty" was signed.

This treaty set in stone most of the substance of the original constitution so decisively rejected by French and Dutch voters in 2005. In order for the "amendments" contained within this treaty to be implemented, no referendum is required.

Tony Blair resigned as British Prime Minister just 4 days after he signed this treaty.


COMMON PURPOSE

Although it has 80,000 trainees in 36 cities, 18,000 graduate members and enormous power, the secretive Common Purpose group is unknown to the general public.

Common Purpose has identified and continues to identify "leaders" at all levels of government. These are being taught to pay no heed to the wishes of the British majority. The successful CP recruit must show loyalty only to the directives of Common Purpose and the EU.

They are, in effect, the EU's "Thought Police" in the UK.

canvas said...

you hate the poor?

NewWelshRight said...

You know you're a Conservative if you still refer to Labour as "the Socialists" in private.

Anonymous said...

When you just want to leave the tattered remains of England?

When Labour closes your local hospital as punishment for not voting as you were meant to?

Zorro

tapestry said...

You know you're a Conservative when you've had a couple of years as a Ukipper, and realise it's a waste of time fracturing the vote.

You know you're a Conservative when you agree with every word Nigel Farage says, and vote for David Cameron.

You know you're a Conservative when your sister's a Left wing activist, and you admit to friends in hushed tones that she's camped outside Heathrow.

Prodicus said...

... when you shout "Tax payer funded!" whenever a government spokeman says "government funded"

... when your BP shoots up on reading about police diversity policy

... when you dream of seeing Ken Livingstone fall under a bendy bus

... when yet another release from CCHQ makes you grind out 'Oh, for God's sake, get a grip!'

Realpolitik said...

when people keep telling you that the 7/7 bombings were justified because Muslims are an oppressed minority who are angry about an illegal war

...but all you can see is three selfish people with persecution complexes killing their fellow citizens in cold blood.

Bob Piper said...

You Know You're a Conservative When...

you know you're a loser.

Matt said...

You can see through the BBC's biased and often dishonest news reporting.

Laurence Boyce said...

. . . when you dream of seeing Ken Livingstone fall under a bendy bus.

Eh? Why would you have to be a Conservative to wish for that?

garypowell said...

when everyone teaching at your state school hates the sight and sound of you but thinks you are to intelligent for the school you currently attend

just about anyway of getting shot of you is better for a left wing marxist trying to indoctrinate while a right wing working class libertarian is in the class

trust me

dogface said...

When you regard people as individuals rather than members of a category. That's the big difference between us and the reds.

Travis Bickle said...

Correct Bob Piper

Since most Conservatives work for a living and pay ever more swingeing taxes to watch them squandered by Government, whilst our pension funds have been robbed blind, we have certainly all been losers over past 10 years. No argument there, the truest statement a Labour Politician or Councillor has made in years...

Wrinkled Weasel said...

you know you are a Conservative when...

you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory

Come on chaps! Labour is lying to us about Europe, it lied to us about Iraq, and we have a Prime Minister who eats bogies and whose "prudent" economy is unravelling.

For f££ks sake, dump that creme fraiche and kumquat smarm vendor Cameron and get a proper leader!!! Even Michael Gove could do better.

Tom Tyler said...

...you wish there was (and you wonder why there isn't) a real Conservative Party you could vote for if there was an election in the UK tomorrow.

kinglear said...

..when you want to spend YOUR hard earned money yourself on whatever you want and not have it "invested" ie spent and wasted by the government

Johnny Norfolk said...

When you hate the BBC.

Bob Piper said...

travis....


Am I bovvered?

Newmania said...

Eh? Why would you have to be a Conservative to wish for that?

Because lawrence the Liberal Party in London are Socialists and would support Stalin against Winston Churchill for preference..

I appreciate there are some good ideas that pop up from your neck of the woods but the Party is a pathetic push-you-pull-me travesty requiring great dishonesty to support

Emma Grating said...

... when you feel there's so much wrong with this country today yet can't spot a politician or party with the balls to do what needs to be done.

Monkey with a blue rosette said...

...when "Yes, we have no bananas!" is a song and not a statement.

Steven_L said...

... you regularly log onto 'newmania'.

Monkey with a blue rosette said...

... when you remember where you were and what you were doing when you heard Thatcher had resigned, but when someone mentions Princess Diana's death, you shrug and say "who?"

Manfarang said...

when you say Pinochet was a very good man.

Manfarang said...

when you say how good private medical treament is and then go and have an NHS operation.

Daily Referendum said...

Your membership card turns up after over two months of waiting.

Anonymous said...

Your belief in the free market extends to the control of dissidents:

"If it's free, mark it!!"

Anonymous said...

"Charles said...
You rather like the country as it is."

Indeed, Brown is a slightly less rioght-wing Tory than Blair was - though he probably believes in his conservatism rather more than his predecessor in office did.

Oscar Miller said...

.... when you want to super glue a Heathrow protester to the undercarriage of a Boeing 707 heading for North Korea.

Kafka said...

When you can tell Bob Piper is a tit just by looking at his photo

Letterman said...

...you still think everyone agrees with you and the last ten years in opposition have just been a BBC conspiracy.

Welsh Tory Boy 3.1 said...

...your partner suggests a discussion on the mertis of withdrawal and you think she is referring to Europe…

Anonymous said...

You tell yourself "the English won't stand for a Scottish prime minister", even when Gordon Brown is ten points ahead in the opinion polls.

toryboy said...

You know you're a Conservative when Iain is your Facebook friend...

Winchester whisperer said...

...small details such as a tree changing colour from green to blue, fill you with gloom

Anonymous said...

Your Norfolk constituency is the Conservatives' number one target seat in the whole country, but you vote for the Lib Dem instead because the Tory candidate seems a bit too gay for your liking.

Louise said...

You know when you're a member of the Conservative Party when....

you spend more time bitching about your party leader and plotting his downfall than you ever do leafleting.

you blame your party leader for the latest polls or election defeats and not the behaviour of party members.

Doug said...

Newmania said:-
No he said shimple minds and the flubber pity are drirey states. Liberal party musical taste doesn’t go much beyond the Public sector BMW free CD but ....I think for them the band has to be Blancmange ...long forgotten now


Considering the Tory Party boasts celebrity supporters like Busted, Cilla Black, Bruno Brookes and Gary Numan whearas the Lib Dems are supported by the likes of Brian Eno, Fran Healy, Imogen Heap and Andy Kershaw - I think you need to get a life!

Anonymous said...

You thought John Major was a good leader.

You thought William Hague was a good Leader.

You thought Iain Duncan-Smith was a good leader.

You thought Michael Howard was a good leader.

You don't like this young upstart Cameron.

Newmania said...

Brian Eno, Fran Healy, Imogen Heap and Andy Kershaw


A drone a moan an unknown and a ... um Northern monkey. What a putrid weed fest.THE ROLLING STONES in your face 'used -to-dig' and they are still smokin` to this day. You wish you had my rockin' life !!

Shabba

Anonymous said...

... you're a soulless corporate whore temporarily masquerading as a tree-hugging eco-friendly chappie, all the while biding your time until you can reveal your true agenda of jobs for the boys, tax cuts to the rich, punishing people for being poor and promoting oligarchy and monopoly.

Matthew Dear said...

...you politely ask other parties' activists "how's it going?" on election day, and it's not an attempt to sabotage them.

...you do the above, and get told to eff off...

Roland Deschain said...

...nobody likes you.

Anonymous said...

You know you're a conservative when you think that Ken Clark and Michael Heseltine (and maybe David Cameron) do not qualify for membership of the Conservative Party.

Hello UKIP, here I come.

Anonymous said...

... when you justify your desire to emigrate ASAP by claiming that the country we live in now is not the Britain we know and love.

Anonymous said...

....when you think that Norman Tebbit still makes sense, that Arthur Scargill deserved a damn good kicking, that PW Botha was misunderstood, and that Cameron should stick to primary school where he belongs.

Laurence Boyce said...

You know you’re a Conservative when your three biggest heroes are Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, and the Pope.

Anonymous said...

you lose the next election whichever one it might be

Fidothedog said...

You have Tory Boy Cameron as leader and think how in the name of all thats holy did we ever end up with this fool as party leader?

Dan Collins said...

You feel that this sort of post is complete tripe.

Adrian Yalland said...

1....you don't smoke, but you feel sorry for the pooor buggers sat outside in the rain because they still choose to

2....you still believe that you know how to spend your own money better than Gordon Broon!

3....you are tempted to vote UKIP

4....you don't see why drinking the problem with warm beer served in a jug makes you look old fashioned

5....you think fashion is generally overrated anyway

6....but you think tweeds and moleskins are timeless

7....you like the banjo and the Wurzles (OK, I admit that one is just me)

7a....you believe a sentiment is better than an ideology

8....you pretend otherwise, but actually, you don't give a toss what consenting adults do in private, and care less about whom they do it with

9....when you wish someone in your party would say "actually, we think we should cut some taxes in order to fuel the economic growth, the proceeds of which we intend to share"

10....you cannot understand why we allow foriegn born terrorists committed to this country's destruction to live here, but not Ghurka soldiers decorated for bravery in defending this country!

11.....You think that Heffer and Hitchen's are a bit mad and eccentric, but have a point though!

12....you think the best way to help people escape poverty is by helping them into work, reducing the taxes they pay, supporting their aspirations for poverty, liberty and family, and that the benefit and tax system achieves exactly the opposite of this

13....you don't believe that the state has a monopoly on wisdom and provision of public services

14....you instinctively distrust politicians - especially those on your own side

15....you still apologise when you bump into people, and hold doors open for ladies

16...you think feral youths whould be birched a few times

17 ....when you believe in 'carrot' and 'stick', and not just one or the other!

18....when you admire people who have acheived great success, not resent them

19.... you respect the working poor as much as you admire the working rich

20....and finally, despite all the crap, you still love this bloody country, and want it back from those determined to wreck it

Nick said...

You think Global Warming is probably caused by Ted Heath stoking the fires in hell.

devolute said...

... when you can find the Falklands straight away on a map, but not Hull.

Paracelsus said...

...when Brown makes overtures to Campbell the caption in your brain is "Asperger's meets Alzheimer's"

Paracelsus said...

Whenever an anti-democratic moron (Shami Chakrabati par excellence)
is introduced as a "liberal" by the BBC, you think "That's MY word, God damn it!"

Monkey with a blue rosette said...

...when you keep checking back to see what's the latest on this list, and sit back and nod in agreement to a lot of them!

Kevin Doran said...

when you want to take away the rights, freedoms, and money of everyone but your own kind.

rob said...

When you have a rouge hair growing on your face., you have a wonky mouth, a strange eye brow, a slight speech impediment and one leg is a bit longer than the other?

Anonymous said...

I at 14 Margaret Thatcher rather than Jordan rocks your boat, you're gay - regardless of politics.

The Remittance Man said...

....... the government announces a new policy and you immediately foresee the unintended and undesirable consequences based on your understanding of human nature, basic economics and common sense. Two or three years later and at great expense your predictions are proved entirely correct."

Anonymous said...

You know you're a Conservative when, in spite of the fact that you just donated money to the Labour Party, they offer you the chance to be their candidate in a by-election.

Anonymous said...

When you've discovered you've been shafted...........

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

When you consider joining UKIP...

Anoneumouse said...

You know you're a Conservative when... you exercise the courage of your conviction.

I will renew my membership when the party withdraw from the EPP

no longer anonymous said...

When you have a mortgage and suddenly realise high taxation isn't a great idea after all.

When you know that despite what some lefties claim, this country was a more civil place to live decades ago.