Friday, August 13, 2010

Geraldine Dreadful MP Writes ... to Ann Widdecombe

To: Rt Hon Ann Widdecombe, Batley in the Moors, Devon

Dear Ms Widdecombe,

I would like to say I am surprised by the tone you have taken in the enormous, disgusting controversy over Anne Milton's appalling plan to stop giving children milk at schools. But your proto-fascist, terrifying illiberal views are no longer surprising to people of conscience in this country, especially those of us who have had time to analyze you over the years.

The fact that you would happily allow children to starve in schools without the precious, life-sustaining daily 1/3 pint of sun-enhanced milk fits exactly into the view we on the left have of you. You are a monster, the perfect text-book example of a Heatho-Thatcherite crypto-Disraeliist, and your willingness to condemn children to the agony of a milk-free existence is just another example of that.

Children need milk to survive, that is, I hope, common cause between us. That the milk should be provided by the taxpayer through the state is a principle that even the most hard hearted Tory should understand. Without state provision of milk, children could grow up thinking the state is uncaring and impersonal, and that the people responsible for all their care is their parents. What sort of a message would that be to send out?

When I mentioned Anne Milton's letter to a small focus group of my constituents on Monday morning, one of them, 'Mad' Eric Wintergate, explained how, as a child, he had been affected by the hated Margaret Thatcher's removal of milk for children at school. He developed rickets, and can now only be comfortable sitting on an overturned oil drum.

Is this the future you want for our country's children? If you don't, now is the time to do the right (actually the left) thing and denounce Anne Milton.

Yours sincerely,

Geraldine Dreadful MP

* With due thanks to Ben Archibald of


startledcod said...

Children need kindness and the majority of them would view the removal of milk at school as kindness.

I hated milk at school. it was always full cream (yuk), never cold (yuk) and in the winter it was put on radiators to warm it up (yuk, yuk, yuk).

To most children school milk is disgusting cruelty.

Paddy Briggs said...

Tarquin Terrible MP
Member for Hampshire White

Dear Prime Minister

Events, dear boy, events as your "Supermac" predecessor once said. You can't avoid 'em - just manage 'em. Remember that Blair (the best Post War Conservative Prime Minister bar one - MT of course - until you came along) had a basket full and still won re-election in a canter. The milk-snatcher thing is bugger all to worry about cf. Blair's Ecclestone, Hinduja, Dome, Harman/Field, Mandy… and that was all First Term stuff before he went around trying to beat up Iraqis and Afghans and the rest!

You've done the right thing to get some of your retaliation in first and the LibDem pally-up gets better every day. Buffy told me about the cunning plan to hug the buggers to death and my how it is working! They are down to a rump of support now and you can pick them off when you like! Buffy reckons that Cable is the obvious choice for a hissy fit - you just need to choose when to get him to throw his toys out of the pram. Why not later this year? Then a snap election and off we go - landslide territory!

I know that you probably see me as permanent back-bench material but when you ditch the Libs might you have some room for an old friend? Nothing too demanding - something in the Arts and Culture world maybe? Or Sport? Saw Giles Clarke at a function recently - he's rather an oick (Rugby!) but sound. Tells me that Rupert is delighted with the Test matches staying on Sky and professes eternal affection for you. Just shows how you don't have to give away much to get quite a lot. The Sun wot won it and all that!

I realise that you have to be a bit careful on choosing your hols but remember that Blair dined (etc.) with Berlusconi and got away with it! So if you would like a few quiet days in St Trop let me know - we can be discrete as ever. Anyway Sunny days for us all and please don't fuss about the milk thing - storm in a Tetra Pak!

Love etc.


davidmorris said...

People seem to forget that the removal of milk at school isn't a coalition policy and David Cameron dismissed the idea. It was just one or two junior ministers discussing the possibility and that's all. Labour are making it out to be something different.

anne riddle said...

There seem to be a lot of young people to have "benefited" on the largesse of the Welfare State, inc. free milk,dinners etc. who appear to be content to "sit about" ! Hence the lack of will to work and obesity.Perhaps a war time diet would be better?

Jimmy said...

And the search for the elusive tory humorist goes on...

PabloSantos said...

Pretty funny, if a little immature. Good to see the right finally doing the kind of comedy the left has been getting away with for years.

PabloSantos said...

Pretty funny, if a little immature. Good to see the right finally doing the kind of comedy the left has been getting away with for years.

kasou said...

We want Gordon back, and Bob Crow, with his friend BLiar..they will sort things out for us... then we can all get free milk, free housing and best of all free holidays in Greece