Geraldine Dreadful MP Writes ... to Samantha Cameron

Dear Samantha Cameron,

As is traditional at this time, I would like to congratulate you on the birth of your new daughter. However, my colleagues within the Labour Party's Progressive Rationalist Institute Coalition for Solidarity have mandated me to apply classical Social Democratic analysis to your new predicament in order to educate you.

First of all, I hope you won't laugh too hard when I point out, that giving Caesarian birth, you are just one more victim of Tory Cuts!

You, like the majority of the hated upper-class elite have taken the easy option, rather than going through the heroic working class agony of labour and birth. But I suppose the chances of you going into Labour were always pretty slim. (Ed Balls wants credit for that last gag, by the way. When I heard him say it to the Hammer East Wimmins Collective, I swear there wasn't a dry seat in the room)

It is no secret within the Hammer East Working Men's Guacamole Circle that you only had this baby to win the election. By submitting to the stifling patrimony of your husband (a male!!) and becoming pregnant, you allowed him to show his aggressive Tory masculinity and his control over you. This was both a blow to the sisterhood and a galling rejection of the woman's right to choose.

The Sickle and Hammer East CLP point out, too, that your decision to have the baby this week ensured that it would overshadow the report of the Institute for Fiscal Studies' report on your husband's disastrous economic plans to take us back to the horrors of the 1980s. It is clear that you have, in planning so carefully for the birth to take place on the day it did, taken the role of Imelda Marcos, doing the bidding of your hated elite toff Bullingdon Eton tall husband, just like she did, but with fewer pairs of shoes (probably). By offering yourself up as the gorgeous, fertile, loving, happy wife, you do the rest of us a disservice.

Finally, please consider the workers when taking decisions on how to bring up and care for your baby. If you decide to breastfeed, not only do you expose the ideal of the perfect balanced marriage as a sham by taking that responsibility on yourself while your husband runs the country, but you may be condemning the workers at Sickle's baby milk factory to unemployment and the ravages of Tory Cuts.

Anyway, to show there are no hard feelings, and in a gesture of solidarity as one working mother to another, I herewith send you a nice stainless Sheffield Steel photo frame, which may not be as gaudy as the sterling silver type you sell in your hated elite toff royally-endorsed stationery store, but which bears the blood, sweat and tears of the workers so cruelly treated by your husband's predecessors.

Sisterly Yours,

Geraldine Dreadful MP

* With grateful thanks to Ben Archibald of Nabidana.com