Not Iain Dale's Predictions For 2009

January

• In a surprise move the Speaker of the House of Commons Michael Martin steps down, but only on the condition that he is replaced by George Galloway. The House begs him to stay on
• David David resigns his seat a second time in protest at the Metropolitan Police's outrageous refusal to arrest him
• In a diplomatic disaster, during a State visit to Iraq President Obama announces he wishes to be known has President Hussein.

February

• Conservative MP Damian Green charged with acting suspiciously while walking in a westerly direction and wasting Police time
• LibDem Voice goes into meltdown over exciting news that Mrs Daphne Snodcastle of 32 Acacia Avenue, Twickenham has renewed her party membership
• Dizzy gives up thinking for Lent

March

• Sky News Political Editor Adam Boulton returns early from his American sojourn covering Obama’s First Hundred Days. “I missed interviewing Hazel Blears,” he explained
• Lembit Opik resigns as Political Editor of the Daily Sport alleging the paper was becoming "too high brow"
• Blogger Alex Hilton loses libel case. His website is renamed Labour Homeless

April

• Barack Obama arrives in London for the G20 Summit and greets Gordon Brown with the words: “Listen punk, let’s get this straight. It didn’t start in America. Got it?”
• The economic situation worsens with news that the last remaining shop in Oxford Street is closing down
• Labour MP blogger Tom Harris finds himself in trouble with Labour whips after he misses a vital Commons vote to play Davros in a new episode of Dr Who

May

• Gordon Brown summons Andrew Marr to Number Ten to announce a June 4 General Election. Twenty four hours later, following a disastrous YouGov marginal seats poll, he summons Marr back to say that he’s changed his mind
• The LibDem European elections campaign gets off to a shaky start when their campaign battlebus turns out to be a Nissan Micra
• West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola celebrates as his team win the Premier League after winning eighteen consecutive matches and Carlton Cole scores his thirtieth goal of the season. (I do apologise, I have been hallucinating)

June

• UKIP leader Nigel Farage is ousted after his party’s disastrous 2% showing in the European elections. Speculation mounts that he will set up a new party called ‘In Vino Veritas’
• Eric Pickles quits his crash diet after the first day citing irreconcilable differences with his dietician
• The Guidoisation of politics is complete after Mr Fawkes is appointed to chair Andy Burnham's inquiry into the regulation of the blogosphere

July

• Alistair Darling delivers his fourth emergency budget of the year following a decision of the Bank of England to cut interest rates to -10%. “This is a budget for savers,” he declares, as he orders bed manufacturers to make more mattresses
• Budget saving measures are imposed at their LibDem HQ as the party is ordered to pay back the Michael Brown £2.4 million donation. LibDem News is reduced to a single sheet of A4, while biscuit rationing is introduced in Lord Rennard's office.
• After David Dimbleby leaves Question Time, the BBC announces that Dermot O'Leary and Tess Daley will be the first in a series of guests hosts of the programme to make it more appealing to Yoof.
  

August

• In mini reshuffle David Cameron promotes Nadine Dorries to the Shadow Cabinet, telling friends it was the only way to get her to stop blogging. The next day Nadine blogs "How dishy Dave popped the question and why I blushed."
• Gordon Brown insists Britain is best placed to weather the economic storm despite news that the Pound has slipped to parity with the dollar. "The Pound in your pocket is unaffected," he says
• "Je ne regrette rien," sings Alistair Darling from his bath as economic growth shrinks by a further 2%.
  

September

• George Osborne is photographed chatting to Johnny Vegas aboard a pedalo in Cleethorpes
  
• LibDem leader Nick Clegg takes his party conference by storm by telling his party faithful to "go back to your constituencies and prepare to lose seats."
  
• Gordon Brown is introduced at the Labour Party conference by his six year old son John with the words: "My Dad's bigger than your Dad."

October

• The Conservative Conference gets off to an unfortunate start when at a champagne reception David Cameron is heard telling delegates : “This is what I call sharing the proceeds of recession! Let’s party!”
  
• ConservativeHome denies a shift in editorial direction following the appointment of John Bercow as head of its Editorial Board
• The Irish vote to ratify the Lisbon Treaty after France threatens a nuclear attack.

November

• On a state visit to the Ukraine, French President Nicolas Sarkozy enters key Ugandan discussions with Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko
• Gordon Brown gives his Mansion House speech wearing a hair shirt
• President Obama's poll ratings take a tumble after he threatens his children's puppy with drowning if it **** in the Oval Office just one mo' time

December

• Six months ahead of his sixtieth birthday Jeremy Paxman announces he is leaving broadcasting to “find Jesus”. He added: “And when I do find him I have a number of questions I shall be asking him.”
• The BBC announces Paxman's replacement will be Fearne Cotton but denies any hint of dumbing down its current affairs coverage
• Good news at last for the economy when it is announced a new job has been created in Pontefract. "The upturn starts here," cheers Alistair Darling.