Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Train Etiquette

I am typing this on a train travelling from Tonbridge to London. Sitting opposite me is Dr David Starkey. I need your advice. Should I...

A) Pretend I do not recognise him
B) Tell him I just love his monarchy programmes
C) Suggest Gordon Brown should appoint him Regis Professor of History at Cambridge
D) Berate him for his recent criticism of The Queen

Or

E) Turn up the volume of my iPod just to provoke him into one of his rages...

UPDATE: I chose A... Some hilarious suggestions in the comments...

Your suggestions please!
at

38 comments:

  1. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:13 pm

    Say 'Can I have your autograph please Mr Schama?'

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  2. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:16 pm

    Blow him a kiss and see if he blushes.

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  3. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:17 pm

    you could try spelling his name correctly - it's Starkey

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  4. TapestryJanuary 16, 2008 2:17 pm

    D

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  5. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:18 pm

    Say "You're really irritating."

    And then turn up your iPod.

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  6. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:18 pm

    Play footsie?

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  7. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:18 pm

    a) you clearly do, and you've probably given that away by now.

    b) yes tell him, the book is also very good - I'm about to take a break from work and get through a few more pages.

    c) Probably be better to suggest that to Gordon.

    d) He will rip you apart with his argument and you'll look like a silly schoolboy - don't do it.

    e) do b then turn up your cliff richard.

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  8. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:19 pm

    It's Starkey, Ian.

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  9. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:22 pm

    Look very closely to make sure that he is not also reading your blog on HIS laptop.

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  10. CroydonianJanuary 16, 2008 2:23 pm

    Tell him it is an honour to be in the presence of one of the nation's foremost libertarians.

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  11. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:28 pm

    B.
    Talk to him! Don't be too cool for school.
    I am sure it could be an interesting conversation!
    You only live once.

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  12. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:31 pm

    ignore him .These celebs hate that most of all.

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  13. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:32 pm

    e and smile sweetly

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  14. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:36 pm

    Ask Ringo for his autograph, Iain.

    btw - his real name is "Richard", not "David."

    I wonder when he got his doctrate?

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  15. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:39 pm

    Rage...Rage!

    Homer: It's true, I'm a Rageaholic.....I just can't live without Rageahol!

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  16. strapworldJanuary 16, 2008 2:41 pm

    I so love your wild life series on Discovery Channel. Well done.

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  17. strapworldJanuary 16, 2008 2:42 pm

    Did you see me and Heffer on Telegraph TV then Dave?

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  18. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:55 pm

    oh E definitely, especially if - and I admit this is a long-shot - you have any Prodigy on it.

    P.S. That 2:13 comment is hilarious :¬)

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  19. UnsworthJanuary 16, 2008 2:56 pm

    You should catch his eye and then engage him in conversation about British Queens.

    Monarchy seems to be his speciality.

    Maybe chat about that, too.

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  20. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 2:57 pm

    Croydonian - "Tell him it is an honour to be in the presence of one of the nation's foremost libertarians."

    I'm not sure Iain would be quite as happy as some of us at being given that description...

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  21. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 3:24 pm

    What did you do in the end then???? I just LURVE the internet age...

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  22. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 3:26 pm

    Phone someone and say you're on a train with Brian Sewell. Then turn up your iPod.

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  23. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 3:46 pm

    Grow up.

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  24. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 3:57 pm

    Do you mean Regius Professor?

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  25. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 3:58 pm

    "Snakes on a Train"?
    Sorry.

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  26. anthonynorthJanuary 16, 2008 4:02 pm

    Say: 'I think your son's an excellent drummer.'

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  27. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 4:04 pm

    What is it about that line that attracts annoying right wing oiks - I've also see Ian Hislop on teh same line.

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  28. 4x4 the peopleJanuary 16, 2008 4:22 pm

    What was Yoko really like?

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  29. AlexJanuary 16, 2008 4:37 pm

    Tactic A is undoubtedly the best play, but the more satisfying variant (if time permits is) to strike up a conversation, and after 5 minutes ask them what they do for a living.

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  30. PhilipaJanuary 16, 2008 4:39 pm

    All of the above - all your suggestions, but I particularly smiled at the first suggestion: 'Can I have your autograph please Mr Schama?'

    I've always been cool in the presence of celebs/stars until I met someone I really admired, and then watched myself from a distance as I proceeded to check all the boxes of sad fan behaviour. Perhaps an Ipod would be a good investment ;-)

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  31. MeJanuary 16, 2008 4:39 pm

    After his comments about my queen I would have offered him the choice between vacating his seat or suffering violence the c**t.

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  32. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 4:51 pm

    Tell him to get my (former, but we'll see) girlfriend into Cambridge like he said he would (he really did but she didn't get in).

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  33. Devil's KitchenJanuary 16, 2008 5:05 pm

    Ask him what a famous person like him is doing that near to a god-awful hole like Tonbridge...

    DK

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  34. BennyJanuary 16, 2008 5:22 pm

    talk on your phone and say "Yes, the doctor thinks it's highly contagious whilst coughing loudly"

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  35. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 5:59 pm

    Aber, Mein Herr

    It must be the case that the erudite Mr Sharma did recognize you as auch ein gut bekannter Celebrity

    but refrained from introducing himself out of an excessive apprehension that he should not be intrusive on your privacy

    Alles Gute

    G E

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  36. Paul BurginJanuary 16, 2008 6:47 pm

    Would have wanted to do b but would have ended up with a, in fear of prompting some acerbic comment.

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  37. AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 9:42 pm

    Break wind loudly and see what he does....

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  38. AnonymousJanuary 18, 2008 12:19 pm

    Strangely enough I was in a bookshop the other day and saw Mr Schama - and said to my other half 'Oh look there's David Starkey' before realising my mistake. Hopefully was out of earshot!

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