Today's Top Ten List on Vox Politix is TOP TEN WAYS DAVID CAMERON WOULD BENEFIT FROM NATIONAL SERVICE. Your suggestions in the comments please!
And here was yesterday's final version of the TOP TEN REASONS THE LIBDEMS SHOULD DITCH MING CAMPBELL...
Number 10: He really has no idea about anything apart from what is the best 'Werther's Original ' flavour
Number 9: He's older than the average Conservative Party member.
Number 8: Because if he mention Jo Grimond one more time...
Number 7: H e hasn't got any skeletons in his closet, which is ironic given that he looks like one.
Number 6: Stanna Stairlifts have been stuck for someone since Thora Hird died.
Number 5: He reminds me of Mr Grace from 'Are You Being Served?'
Number 4: He makes a complete Horlicks of everything, when he should be drinking it instead.
Number 3: T he limited resources of the Liberal Democrats just can’t stand the cost of all the false teeth and incontinence underwear.
Number 2: The Upper House really needs a 'Lord Ming of Merciless'
And the number 1 reason the LibDems should ditch Ming is: H e might mistake the nuclear button for the emergency home help.
1. Next year, he will be old enough to do it himself
ReplyDeleteAfter Cameron's posh upbringing, National Service will give him a great chance of blending in with the general public because, let's face it, he looks about 16-years-old.
ReplyDeleteIt would get him out of politics.
ReplyDelete10. It would widen his command of the English language.
ReplyDelete9. He could mix with people from all ages, and all backgrounds.
8. He would resent every minute of it, and realise that there are limits to the role of the state.
7. It would keep him out of mischief after he has received his P45.
Good to see that whilst we can’t serotype people because if they are from an ethnic minority or gay these days, we can still do it on age.
ReplyDeleteWhat a thoroughly nasty bunch of people contributed to this. Isn't Ming around the same age as was Churchill when he led Britain to victory against Germany?
ReplyDeleteI personally don't like Ming on personal merit, feeling he's hopeless and incompetent, but I don't dislike him because he's lived longer than me.
"TOP TEN WAYS DAVID CAMERON WOULD BENEFIT FROM NATIONAL SERVICE."
ReplyDeleteHe could get a bunch of school leavers to kiss his arse and give the tory bloggers a break.
Wahey! Four strikes including the top spot. Not bad. Not bad at all. Now Iain, may I claim my prize? A chance to debate Donal Blaney live on 18 Doughty Street?
ReplyDeleteBack to Cameron . . .
ReplyDeleteIt would toughen up the wee lad.
He might be able to pick up some racist banter which would appeal to the right of his party.
ReplyDeleteCameron will get rid of all the snotty, drunk teenagers for the summer hoidays, and be able to sleep at night.
ReplyDeleteCameron could let his butler go.
ReplyDeleteOn the Ming list, No. 5 - that will of course not be Young Mr Grace (with the Swedish nurse!) but Old Mr Grace who "doesn't get out much these days..."
ReplyDeleteBecause The Sun likes the idea.
ReplyDeleteBecause reactionary connotations of 'national service' play well with an ageing core vote.
ReplyDeleteSo in summary Ming Campbell is old. If that is the only reason to get rid of him, then he really should stay.
ReplyDeleteI know everyone will think I'm a spoilsport, but this post is incredibly offensive.
ReplyDeleteI don't like Ming's political views, and I think he's a weak leader, but this is just absolutely out of order Iain.
The camouflage techniques would come in handy for when he needs to be invisible.
ReplyDeleteInstead of taking Michael Ancram outside to be shot, thereby risking arrest and imprisonment, Cameron might to be able to snipe at him from a long range.
ReplyDeleteIt would cure the Army's lack of cannon fodder at a stroke.
ReplyDeletepaying peanuts and getting monkeys has always been a sound strategy
ReplyDeleteHe might be better equipped to carry out a Stalinist purge of the unreconstructed Thatcherites in his party.
ReplyDeleteBecause the ladies just love a man in uniform.
ReplyDeleteHe'd get a better haircut.
ReplyDeleteHe would be able to command the respect of the armed forces, and we could also let Prince William off, seeing as he never asked to be King.
ReplyDeleteHe might think twice before sacrificing the lives of servicemen to various hopeless causes around the world.
ReplyDelete10. The Conservative party might learn to march in step with each other.
ReplyDeleteThe logorrheaic Laurence Boyce and others are so eager to share their schoolboy humour with the world that they all posted their witticisms on the wrong thread.
ReplyDeletePerhaps national service would have taught you chaps some reading comprehension.
It would improve his flip-flopping technique no end. Left, right, left, right, left, right, A-BOUUUT TURN!
ReplyDeletehe could learn to fly a jet and look like Matt Santos on the West Wing
ReplyDeletebecause the tories cant stand their opposition having a leader on whom the worst accusation they can pin is his age!
ReplyDeleteHe'll learn...
ReplyDelete1. to keep his kit in order.
2. he is there to serve, not rule - event he shirt on his back is not his when "in service".
3. Being an officer is earned, not bought.
4. That the State is not a democracy and there is no freedom within it, so the less of it in our lives means the more freedom for citizens.
5. No prizes for second place
6. Mind the Provo Sargent's F***ing paintwork!
Poor Ming, how can years of experience compete against a Tory leader whose only proper job was running PR interference for a failing TV company?
ReplyDelete.... let him look after MY kids for six weeks!
ReplyDeleteHe could follow in the footsteps of Mark Thatcher and get lost in the desert.
ReplyDeleteI agree with a. God knows, I don't like the Lib Dems or Ming Campbell, but attacking someone for when he was born, which, I think we would all agree, one has absolutely no control over, is way out of line. It's like attacking someone for being born black or Japanese or a girl. This is a horrible thread and the drooling triumphalism is repulsive and I'm surprised that Iain ran this list.
ReplyDeleteIt would let him put to good use his experience of Friendly Fire.
ReplyDeleteHe'd fit in perfectly - none of his policies have a "reason why" either.
He'd get a Tank to carry his briefcase and shoes.
Then everything he owned would be green.
Oh, and further to all the above comments about Ming and ageism - who ever said the Lib Dems were whingeing PC bores?
ReplyDeleteWhy not just put them all on a chain gang?
ReplyDeleteIt would help him to develop a ruthless streak.
ReplyDeleteHe might learn some useful acronyms to describe the state of his party. SNAFU springs to mind.
ReplyDeleteIt would help him plan the campaign to recapture America.
ReplyDeleteAttacking people because of their age - really grown up! And given that we have an ageing population, those who mock age and experience should think again.
ReplyDeleteIt would keep the juveniles off this blog, making oh-so-witty cracks about 65 year old men.
ReplyDeleteIain, did you know that age discrimination in the workplace is against the law?
ReplyDeleteThat aside, I'm slightly surprised that you posted this list. I can only presume you've given up altogether on a career in politics now.
He'll be able to film a remake of 'Roots'. Bwana.
ReplyDeleteAh good. Whilst homophobia, racism, sexism would have no place on such an auspicious blog, there's no harm in having a bit of a dig at someone because of their age.
ReplyDeleteBecause he keeps shooting himself in the foot.
ReplyDeleteThese accusations of ageism are fairly bollock-brained. Do you think that Ming could lead the Liberal Democrats at the age of 97? No. So age is clearly a relevant factor. Sir Ming put himself up for the job at a time in his life when most people would be taking a well earned retirement. If he was an inspiration as leader, then that would be another matter. But sadly his performance has been lamentable, and I’m afraid that makes the issue fair game.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, it’s a JOKE. Do you know what that is? Basically, despite saying that we want to shoot Michael Ancram, we don’t really mean it. I know it’s a little confusing.
6. Dave would learn that respect in the services is earned by use of ability not inherited wealth.
ReplyDelete5. He would have to show that he wasn't a typical Roopert, because he could understand a briefing, read maps, master tactics and lead.
4. It would stop him coming up with fatuous ideas to hold the headlines for a day.
3. Troops might 'frag' an unpopular officer - killed in action by his own men.
ReplyDelete2. He might return to inhabit the same piece of the plant as the rest of us in the UK.
1. He might find a way to develop his talents in a field outside politics.
He'll be able to hug all the hoodies he likes
ReplyDeleteHe could get some white stripes, on his uniform of course.
He won't be able to make any more daft policy announcements
He'd get a Tory Government as David Davis would win the next election
He's never had a real job before
He could appreciate the strains our military are increasingly put under in very harrowing circumstances
He could retake Basra
-because he might get shot in a rifle range accident...
ReplyDelete-because the army is so overstretched he might get called up to fight in Iraq
-because David Davis could take over as party leader
-because Iain just loves a man in uniform (apologies to boyce)
Laurence Boyce? He's the under-employed Liberal Democrap, isn't he? I think I've seen his photograph somewhere. Almost as well known as that Bing Campbell chappie, I think.
ReplyDeleteIs there some rule which states that these top ten thingies have to end with somebody gratuitously abusing me?
ReplyDeleteOf course, this thread has shown up one of the problems we have in the Tory Party, with all the members suddenly waking up and going "Ming Campbell? Old duffer? How dare they!? He's at least 30 years younger than me. Hrumph. It's just not on I tell you! cheeky whippersnappers.....Nurse.. Have I told you about my time in the Boer War....."
ReplyDeleteThere is no place for politicians' bullshit in the services. "Does what it says on the tin" is their culture, not "say what you think people want to hear."
ReplyDelete> He'd get a free holiday that doesn't involve being a special friend of celebrities.
ReplyDelete> He'd see the army from the soldier's perspective, rather than the beaurocrat's.
> If he could keep his hair that tidy under fire, he'd be considered a god among men.
He'd be a hero. He'd help save us from speaking Russian.
ReplyDeleteRe: Cambo and 'National Service (optinal)'- It would allow him to mix with those of us from the 'lower classes'! Btw- i'm aggrieved that those of us who contributed to the 10 reasons that Ming... were not rewarded in some way! Stingy sods. I would have apprieciated a dvd of 'The Liberal Democrats Best Cock-ups.' Second thoughts- that probably is not a ggod idea! I don't want a porn dvd!
ReplyDeleteLaurence Boyce - I can take a joke but only when it's funny. Not only was the stuff said about Ming Campbell embarrassingly unfunny, it was offensive.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a member of the Tory Party, but I have voted Tory in elections where eligible and I'm 21 - so I'm not an old duffer.
I just think that people should focus on criticising Ming's policies, not his personality. The Tories are first to complain (rightly) when Cameron's characterised and dismissed as a Toff.
Politics should just be about policies. Ming can be derided for them in my opinion, but not for his age.
I’m sorry but age is an issue. This is not any old job. This is leader of a major political party and prospective Prime Minister (in our dreams). I also happen to think that David Cameron is too young. Is that ageist? Too bad.
ReplyDeleteLaurence Boyce writes: "Secondly, it’s a JOKE. Do you know what that is?"
ReplyDeleteYes, we do. That's why we find your infantile attempts at writing them so chilling.
"I know it’s a little confusing." No, no! We're not confused. You are. You are confusing yourself with someone intelligent and urbane.
I'm surprised that comments suggesting you made an inappropriate post about Ming Campbell have not been allowed. Is it due to a technical problem?
ReplyDeleteYou are kidding me, right? There are plenty on there. However, there were a few anonmyous ones which may have been deleted. I've made it clear in the past that anonymous psts are liable to be deleted. I am quite happy to be criticised, but if you do it anonymously don't expect the posts to get through. Clear?
ReplyDeleteI don't find the posts about Campbell's age offensive - despite the fact I am a steadfast Liberal. And in fact I think Iain is right is satirising the political elite, and he does seem to be even-handed in his doing so.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have to say as a Lib Dem I find it astonishing that the only thing the Tories and Labour can accuse our leader of is his age! Likewise Kennedy's seemingly only flaw was his alchoholism. The latter is a serious issue, without doubt, but it still characterises a recurring theme in british politics (to my mind): on policy, as opposed to personality, the Lib Dems are largely unchallenged. Why? You tell me...