political commentator * author * publisher * bookseller * radio presenter * blogger * Conservative candidate * former lobbyist * Jack Russell owner * West Ham United fanatic * Email iain AT iaindale DOT com
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Ming Campbell Caption Competition
"Honestly Officer, I haven't been paying people in Ealing & Southall to put up posters." (As covered in yesterday's Standard)
"The choice will be between Lib Dem and Labour, both of which will engage in some mutual arschlecken afterwards, the "tonguer" being whoever fails to win the seat in the by-election."
It is being reported that deputy chair of the Ealing Southall Conservative Association has defected to the LibDems over the imposition of a non-Tory who does not even live in the constituency.
"But Officer I didnt think publishing dodgy barcharts was a crime."
The Conservatives fell into third place in Ealing Southall last time. That does not look set to change with their candidate who does not even live in Ealing.
Repeating that pathetic allegation won't make it any more true, Iain. Who do you think you are? Guido?
Your excuse yesterday was that you were repeating allegations made by Grant Shapps (not a defence permissible under libel law, I note).
As was pointed out in the earlier thread, I do hope you apologise with equal energy when these allegations are proved to be the pile of horse manure that they are.
P.S. - your by-election team will not thank you for reminding people that Southall is a Lib Dem vs. Labour fight...
Honestly Guv - Tory Deputy Chair in Ealin Southall, Mr Gupta just decided he'd defect to the Lib Dems because he'd had enough of Cameron and his lit(e)weight, PR driven, ride roughshod over members approach to politics
I removed a post above because it made anonymous allegations. If people wish to slag off political opponents they can at least put their names to the post.
This is right out of the online muck-spreading playbook:
1) Post something utterly made-up in order to discredit your opposition 2) Deny all responsibility for said allegations (all the while repeating them to a wider audience) 3) If it all goes wrong, pretend it's all a joke and accuse everyone else of not having a sense of humour
If you think I've not seen it before, you are sorely mistaken!
(My sense of humour is in fine nick, thankyou for asking.)
These LibDems really don't have a sense of humour sometimes, do they?
Aha now you are starting to talk Newmania-ese. No they do not .They are a collection of sermonising frauds who would rather steal from a poor box than stand for the National Anthem.
Anyway what about
Mr. M Campbell was confident the charge of impersonating a political leader would never stick
or
“His charisma was so absent I actually slept whilst standing ”.. said bearded Policeman
or
On the fourth day of the Zimmer Frame Recovery Operation Police remained baffled.
Joe, calm down. I am sure you have seen this sort of thing before. In most LibDem by election campaigns, I have no doubt. You can dish it out, but you can't take it, can you?! Calm down dear, it's only a by election.
Tosser! we already have more than enough police , they just dont deploy out of the police station and when they do and now and again catch a miscreant the miscreant just gets a slap on the wrist. I know the solution but Ming the useless (or any of the others)would dissaprove. This is why I carry a "weapon" with me everywhere I go.
"It's always betwwen the Lib Dems and someone else! Do you think they will EVER tell the truth?"
I think you'll find that at the last election Labour won and the LibDems came second. The Conservatives finished in third place. And this time their candidate does not even live in the constituency!
"Officer, can you help me? I'm looking for my friend Mr. Khabra. We live together in a nursing home just down the road from here, but he's been missing for weeks. So young to lose his marbles as he's a good twenty years younger than me..."
er, why on earth does it matter whether the candidate lives in the constituency or not? What effect does that have on their suitability for the role? should we limit candidates' selection to people who live in the constituency?
"er, why on earth does it matter whether the candidate lives in the constituency or not?"
Looks like the Tories are waking up to their desperate error in picking an outsider to fight this seat.
Perhaps they should have asked local Tories to choose the candidate and not have had a candidate forced on them by the central command. A leading local Tory has already defected to the LibDems as a result.
Perhaps Cameron has now learnt that his control freakery has damaged him.
"Officer - are you giving me an ASBO or an ASBEEN?"
or..
"well officer, I do hope you find it. My wife game me that walking stick on the day I got my first pension - and I have had it for over twenty years you know"
or howabaout:
"of course officer, when I was a lad, the police didn't have body armour. In fact they didn't have radios either! All they had was a pea whistle and a truncheon"
While I do find this name-calling exercise a little childish, it does go to show how far behind Labour the Lib-Dems are in terms of Astro-turfing.
If these allegations were made against them, we'd be drowning in random spammery and artisticly-vieled backhanded insults by now. This really is not their area of expertise on the internet.
But officer, how can we have been paying people to put up posters when the by-election hadn't even started and they weren't even printed. I suggest you arrest that Iain Dale for libel.
"As Lord Rennard spake in weasel I know nothing of this jovial practice and have myself certainly never participated in such jokery. I'm off to Ealing to prove to the young scallywags that they can teach an old dog a new trick"
"But"
Taps nose conspiratorially
"We're not doing it."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa"
When is Mr Leech going to come out and admit that his Christie Cancer Hospital Hoax was in fact a hilarious joke? Or his oldies falling into open graves wheeze? How we all laughed in Man Wit.
How much iain, do you have to pay posters on this site to repeat baseless gossip designed to hide the fact that Tories have no policies these days and have to draft in candidates who are not even members of the Tory Party?
This 'vavourite sons' idea brings a whole new 21st century persepctive on the Tories' love for aristocracy.
The full quotation:
ReplyDelete"The choice will be between Lib Dem and Labour, both of which will engage in some mutual arschlecken afterwards, the "tonguer" being whoever fails to win the seat in the by-election."
But Officer I didnt think publishing dodgy barcharts was a crime.
ReplyDeleteCopper, 'This way sir, we will have you back at Old People's Home soon enough.'
ReplyDeleteIt is being reported that deputy chair of the Ealing Southall Conservative Association has defected to the LibDems over the imposition of a non-Tory who does not even live in the constituency.
ReplyDeleteIt can be difficult Sir - to remember where you parked!
ReplyDelete"But Officer I didnt think publishing dodgy barcharts was a crime."
ReplyDeleteThe Conservatives fell into third place in Ealing Southall last time. That does not look set to change with their candidate who does not even live in Ealing.
Oh dear, it must be silly season again...
ReplyDeleteRepeating that pathetic allegation won't make it any more true, Iain. Who do you think you are? Guido?
Your excuse yesterday was that you were repeating allegations made by Grant Shapps (not a defence permissible under libel law, I note).
As was pointed out in the earlier thread, I do hope you apologise with equal energy when these allegations are proved to be the pile of horse manure that they are.
P.S. - your by-election team will not thank you for reminding people that Southall is a Lib Dem vs. Labour fight...
Ming"When I were a lad, this place was full of comedians"
ReplyDeletePolicemen"....."
If you're not a flasher sir, why are you wearing that dirty raincoat?
ReplyDeleteLMFAO at most of these comments.
ReplyDeleteIt doe smake me smile when the LibDems talk about the Tory candidate not living in the constituency. He lives iN Chiswick which is next door.
I tried this trick in North Norfolk as Norman Lamb lived 20 miles away in Norwich. fat lot of good it did me. It won't work there either.
As for the poster allegations, I was making no accusation myself - like the Evening Standard, I was writing a story.
And for God's sake, lighten up. It's a jokey thread. These LibDems really don't have a sense of humour sometimes, do they?
"He lives iN Chiswick which is next door."
ReplyDeleteSo, he doesn't live in the constituency.
I suppose it might be considered a "choice" - if you're called Hobson.
ReplyDeleteJust because you can't collect your pension from the Post Office anymore Sir is not a reason for calling 999.
ReplyDeleteMing: "I'm lost and I don't know where I live"
ReplyDeleteCopper: "Poor old bastard, I hope I don't get Alzheimer's when I'm old."
Honestly Guv - Tory Deputy Chair in Ealin Southall, Mr Gupta just decided he'd defect to the Lib Dems because he'd had enough of Cameron and his lit(e)weight, PR driven, ride roughshod over members approach to politics
ReplyDeleteFlat-footed, leaden, borissimo.
ReplyDeleteOfficer: "You have the right to remain silent..."
ReplyDeleteCampbell: "Michael Brown? I've never heard of him"
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.libdemvoice.org/tories-hit-by-defection-in-by-election-seat-of-ealing-southall-958.html
ReplyDeleteI removed a post above because it made anonymous allegations. If people wish to slag off political opponents they can at least put their names to the post.
ReplyDeleteReally Iain. A joke is it? Big ha ha's all round.
ReplyDeleteThis is right out of the online muck-spreading playbook:
1) Post something utterly made-up in order to discredit your opposition
2) Deny all responsibility for said allegations (all the while repeating them to a wider audience)
3) If it all goes wrong, pretend it's all a joke and accuse everyone else of not having a sense of humour
If you think I've not seen it before, you are sorely mistaken!
(My sense of humour is in fine nick, thankyou for asking.)
Hmm, wasn't that post you've just deleted merely repeating allegations made by another person? :-P
ReplyDeleteIt's always betwwen the Lib Dems and someone else!
ReplyDeleteDo you think they will EVER tell the truth?
These LibDems really don't have a sense of humour sometimes, do they?
ReplyDeleteAha now you are starting to talk Newmania-ese. No they do not .They are a collection of sermonising frauds who would rather steal from a poor box than stand for the National Anthem.
Anyway what about
Mr. M Campbell was confident the charge of impersonating a political leader would never stick
or
“His charisma was so absent I actually slept whilst standing ”.. said bearded Policeman
or
On the fourth day of the Zimmer Frame Recovery Operation Police remained baffled.
Joe, calm down. I am sure you have seen this sort of thing before. In most LibDem by election campaigns, I have no doubt. You can dish it out, but you can't take it, can you?! Calm down dear, it's only a by election.
ReplyDeleteTosser!
ReplyDeletewe already have more than enough police , they just dont deploy out of the police station and when they do and now and again catch a miscreant the miscreant just gets a slap on the wrist.
I know the solution but Ming the useless (or any of the others)would dissaprove.
This is why I carry a "weapon" with me everywhere I go.
I'm trying to find Jeremy Thorpe. I think he stole my charisma.
ReplyDeleteIt's a two hearse race!
ReplyDelete(though perhaps not given the passing of Piara Khabra, who seems by all accounts to have been a decent chap, even for a Labour MP)
Libdems whining here!
or if we want to be utterly factual about LibDem campaigning:
LibDems fibbing here!
'Lib dem leaders seem to be getting older nowadays'
ReplyDelete"It's always betwwen the Lib Dems and someone else! Do you think they will EVER tell the truth?"
ReplyDeleteI think you'll find that at the last election Labour won and the LibDems came second. The Conservatives finished in third place. And this time their candidate does not even live in the constituency!
"I'm the leader of the LibDems: it's what I do!"
ReplyDelete"Now then, sir, where did you say you mislaid your front bench?"
ReplyDelete"And this time their candidate does not even live in the constituency!"
ReplyDeleteGood heavens, it's an outrage! (It is, of course, quite unknown for the Lib Dems ever to select a candidate who doesn't live locally ...)
Mr Campbell was relieved to find someone in authority who was prepared to take him seriously.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I carry a "weapon" with me everywhere I go.
ReplyDeleteYou can get done under section 5 of the Public Order Act for getting it out, though. Even judges are getting done these days.
"Wrong constituency, Sir, it's next door. Now move along, please."
ReplyDeleteMing's attempt to set up his own 'cabinet of talents' didn't appear to be going well.
ReplyDeletemr sockpuppet that was very funny.
ReplyDeleteIt could make for a novel defence,
"Your Honour , the lady in question forced pushed me towards an open carriage door, I didnt know whether to toss myself off or block her passage"
You can get done under section 5 of the Public Order Act for getting it out, though. Even judges are getting done these days.
ReplyDeleteActually, I thought they were getting off (as it were).
"Officer, I tell you I'm Ming the Merciless of Mongo!"
ReplyDelete"That's as may be Sir, but you've still double-parked your spacecraft. You're nicked."
Ming: I do wish you'd go and arrest Iain Dale. He's alleging Liberal Democrats don't have any sense of humour.
ReplyDeletePoliceman: That's not funny.
Officer, can you help me find my walking stick and political acumen? I've lost them...
ReplyDelete"Officer, can you help me? I'm looking for my friend Mr. Khabra. We live together in a nursing home just down the road from here, but he's been missing for weeks. So young to lose his marbles as he's a good twenty years younger than me..."
ReplyDeleteOfficer, can you help me find the MPs for Winchester and Montgomeryshire? They need locking up.....
ReplyDelete"My, you policeman look awfully young".
ReplyDelete"Actually, I retire next month, sir"
"I'm sorry officer, she certainly looked eighteen and was very liberal with her charms, nice car too she said!"
ReplyDelete"I'll come quietly - it's a fair cop.."
ReplyDelete"I am sorry to hear about these bombs.Have we relieved Mafeking yet?"
ReplyDeleteFor at least the last 3 GE's, the LibDem candidates for our constituency have been outsiders. So what?
ReplyDelete"How did West Ham get away with it?"
ReplyDeleteThe Tory lives less than 2 miles from the edge of the constituency
ReplyDeletemap
"If Mr. Brown said you'd have to miss Countdown to join the Cabinet, I don't think you'd join either son."
ReplyDelete"Are you my nephew?"
ReplyDelete"No, sir."
"Drunk in the gutter you say?
ReplyDeleteIm not sure that we can afford the bail this time , the party has a bit of a cash flow crisis, will you accept an IOU?"
"Crikey. Where did that old codger appear from?"
ReplyDelete"Dunno, Sarge. An empty taxi just drew up and when the door opened, he got out".
"The Tory lives less than 2 miles from the edge of the constituency."
ReplyDeleteSo, the Tory candidate does not live in the constituency - unlike the LibDem candidate who does and has done for years.
And, let us not forget, the Conservatives came THIRD in Ealing Southall last time - behind the LibDem and Labour.
er, why on earth does it matter whether the candidate lives in the constituency or not? What effect does that have on their suitability for the role? should we limit candidates' selection to people who live in the constituency?
ReplyDelete"er, why on earth does it matter whether the candidate lives in the constituency or not?"
ReplyDeleteLooks like the Tories are waking up to their desperate error in picking an outsider to fight this seat.
Perhaps they should have asked local Tories to choose the candidate and not have had a candidate forced on them by the central command. A leading local Tory has already defected to the LibDems as a result.
Perhaps Cameron has now learnt that his control freakery has damaged him.
Gordon Brown's new 'National Security Council' Goons start to round up trouble makers.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of touchy libdems round here today. Perhaps they realise that they might struggle to keep second place?
ReplyDelete"Officer - are you giving me an ASBO or an ASBEEN?"
ReplyDeleteor..
"well officer, I do hope you find it. My wife game me that walking stick on the day I got my first pension - and I have had it for over twenty years you know"
or howabaout:
"of course officer, when I was a lad, the police didn't have body armour. In fact they didn't have radios either! All they had was a pea whistle and a truncheon"
The LibDems are turning into a paraody of the League of Gentleman. They can't ALL represent Royston Vasey, can they?
ReplyDelete"Vote Tubbs - local votes for local people."
"And don't touch the things!"
"Vandalism, you say? I never knew trashing a once great political party was a crime."
ReplyDelete"Come this way, sir. You'll now have the opportunity you've been craving to join some of your Labour Party friends."
"Come this way, sir. We are arresting you as a dead sheep, as a preventative measure against any savaging" (With apologies to Denis Healey.)
"Come this way, sir. We've received an entirely disinterested tip-off from your Home Affairs spokesman."
"You Scottish? Thought so. We are arresting you for being part of a longstanding and elaborate conspiracy to swindle London taxpayers."
"Scotland Yard sent us. We understand you know a Mr Lloyd George."
"There is a lot of touchy libdems round here today. Perhaps they realise that they might struggle to keep second place?"
ReplyDeleteYou mean the second place we won last time by pushing the Conservative candidate into THIRD place?
matthewr
ReplyDeleteThe person who comes second is the first loser.
"I left it here I tell you. A political party, big yellow thing, you can't miss it...."
ReplyDeleteThe Liberals have just re-shuffled their front bench people.
ReplyDeleteAn observation:
I didn't know who was on the front bench in the first place.
I don't know who's been brought in to replace those I didn't know.
I don't know who did the replacing of those I don't know, who replaced those I didn't know in the first place.
I'm none the wiser.
I'm afraid I've got lost. Could you kindly escort me back to the nursing home?
ReplyDeleteThe Hitch said...
ReplyDeleteTosser!
Sling your hook fatty,you aren't funny anymore.
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I've got lost. Could you kindly escort me back to the nursing home?
Obvious springs to mind.
The Hitch said...
ReplyDelete"Drunk in the gutter you say?
I've asked you before tubby,go back to the sewer we don't want you here.
Ming: "... and that is what we would do to cut crime."
ReplyDelete1st Police officer: "Sounds good to me. That is why I'll be voting for Nigel Bakhai on 19th July."
2nd Police officer: "Yes, and did you know that the Tories came third here last time - and the Tory candidate doesn't even live here."
3rd Police officer: "And that Cameron is a terrible lightweight."
While I do find this name-calling exercise a little childish, it does go to show how far behind Labour the Lib-Dems are in terms of Astro-turfing.
ReplyDeleteIf these allegations were made against them, we'd be drowning in random spammery and artisticly-vieled backhanded insults by now. This really is not their area of expertise on the internet.
If these 'slings and arrows' are the best that Iain Dale's 'readers' can come up with, I think Ming Campbell can sleep soundly in his bed tonight.
ReplyDeleteI suspect Ming's biggest worry is not whether he will sleep soundly, but whether he will in fact ever wake up the next day...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.recessmonkey.com/wp-content/uploads/teatherprincess.jpg
ReplyDeleteShame she doesn't have Boris to shadow her..
Is Brown genuinely giving away the PM's right to dissolve Parliament? If so, General Election 1st weekend of June 2010???
ReplyDeleteBut officer, how can we have been paying people to put up posters when the by-election hadn't even started and they weren't even printed. I suggest you arrest that Iain Dale for libel.
ReplyDelete"As Lord Rennard spake in weasel I know nothing of this jovial practice and have myself certainly never participated in such jokery. I'm off to Ealing to prove to the young scallywags that they can teach an old dog a new trick"
ReplyDelete"But"
Taps nose conspiratorially
"We're not doing it."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa"
Joe Taylor:
ReplyDeleteWhen is Mr Leech going to come out and admit that his Christie Cancer Hospital Hoax was in fact a hilarious joke? Or his oldies falling into open graves wheeze? How we all laughed in Man Wit.
Ming: "Do you know who I am?"
ReplyDeleteOfficer: " No sir, but if we can get you back to home, I'm sure matron will tell you."
the lib dems came FOURTH in 2001, losing to the Tory's father.
ReplyDeleteI would imagine that as he and his father own a radio station and an entire road in Southall, he has sufficient local connections
What do you mean, Gordon's alive???
ReplyDeleteSorry officer, but frankly Duncan Borrowman can swing if he thinks he's running this campaign
"Well if Levy and Blair can get away with Cash for Peerages surely you don't mind us giving cash for posters do you officer?"
ReplyDelete"Or has the Met now gone politically correct too?"
How much iain, do you have to pay posters on this site to repeat baseless gossip designed to hide the fact that Tories have no policies these days and have to draft in candidates who are not even members of the Tory Party?
ReplyDeleteThis 'vavourite sons' idea brings a whole new 21st century persepctive on the Tories' love for aristocracy.