The Daily Mail is speculating that John Prescott is saddling up to flog his memoirs to some poor publisher. My advice to any publisher considering offering the old philanderer a huge advance, is this. Save your money. I cannot see what possible market there is for a Prescott retrospective, even if one can conceivably imagine he is capable of writing the book himself.There's no way he will spill the beans on anything sensational and he would view such a book as the best way of ensuring his legacy. I'm in the middle of reading David Blunkett's diaries (a full review will follow when I am finished). Blunkett was paid £400,000 by his publishers and the book has sold fewer than 2,000 copies so far. Work the maths out for yourself.
But I am sure Prescott will persuade some hapless idiot publisher to fork out a six figure sum. I wonder who he will get to ghost it. Having been leaked a few paragraphs from the first draft I think I can safely say he will need one...
"Those f**king bloggers can f**k right off the b****ds I mean what's this bloody internet thingy anyway if it hadn't been for that f**king Simon f**cking Walters in the f**king Mail on f**cking Sunday I'd still be in f**king Dorneyf**kingwood and that's another thing who says I shouldn't play Crockett is that how you spell it I'll spell it how I f**king want to b*****d Tory w*****s..."
Continued on Page 94...
He must have already hired a ghost writer. The draft is far too coherent to be the man’s (I assume he is human)own words.
ReplyDeleteI can see the Grauniad reviews now -
ReplyDeleteGermaine Greer:
"Joyce's 'Ulysses' for the 21st Century."
Michael White:
"Welcome confirmation of the professionalism and political acumen at the heart of NuLabour."
Polly Toynbee:
"It's blindingly obvious that his political views matured while working on the ferries between Hull and Sweden."
Who will ghost them? Jeffrey Archer of course.
ReplyDeletePrescott will persuade some hapless idiot publisher to fork out a six figure sum...
ReplyDeleteWith his fluent, smooth-talking ways, no doubt?
The Anschutz saga isn't over yet.
ReplyDeleteBlunkett's could have been ghosted by Cilla Black. She's about as Right Wing as he is. Then they could have sold a lot more by being titles: "Blind Hate".
ReplyDeleteI am still waiting for the musical. But who will be right to sing: "Quinn Quimonme Quinn Quinn to woo. . . Hoggart will rub off 'fore I makes kids with you. . ." ?
I feel that, judging by that first paragraph, I could ghost Prescott's biog very easily...
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't do it though...
DK
Still the love scenes could be revealing:
ReplyDelete"Our Trace though ah was t'great romantic 'cos after ah'd finished givin' t'lass a good seein' to ah'd wipe me k**b on t'curtains, nick a fiver out o' t'office tea jar an' send 'er out fer pickled egg butties and vimto."
Since Alan Clark, the benchmark for memoirs/diaries has been mercifully high.
ReplyDeleteThat scrofulous dick midget who who always looks as if he has been photographically foreshortened merits little but a footnote in the great wiki of political life, and moreover a footnote awaiting a final deletion by some well-meaning contributor.
I wonder what font his publishers will choose , crayon or finger paint?
ReplyDeleteMiaowww! I think the leaked paragraph shows excellent literary quality, he obviously does not need a ghost writer. I detect that the ghost of Philip Larkin is already at work on JPs Manuscript.
ReplyDeleteIain.
ReplyDeleteSurely the size of Prescott's pommel has been exaggerated in you picture?
If he had had a 'ghost zhagger' then Tracey might have put up a more spirited defence?
ReplyDeleteA Prescott retrospective can be found in any tattered dictionary - so save yourself some money. Simply open a page at random and point at a word. Repeat 80 - 100,000 times. You know it makes sense.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't bother reading the rest of Blunkett's stuff. It ends up with some charmless blind guy blaming pretty much everyone but himself. The book is only enlivened if the reader plays "hunt the self-awareness" as he sifts lethargically and fruitlessly through the self-regarding mess.
I'm just saying.
Kind regards etc...
Blunkett's diaries are going for half price in the Waterstone's sale. Having read them, I'm glad to have saved myself the money by getting them from the library.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The Anschutz episode is not yet closed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I cannot imagine one single human being buying a biography of a dull, stupid, spiteful, lying piece of rubbish like John Prescott.
At the same time, I really cannot imagine anyone shelling out for any book about Tony Blair, except Americans who are doing their doctorals on him (if any). Potential buyers would know that every word was going to be a lie and they'd be better off buying some honest fiction.
Y'know, on second thoughts, it might sell quite well, entitled properly:
ReplyDelete"The Wit and Wisdom of John Prescott"
or
"101 Uses for a Dead Deputy Prime Minister"
Anyone got any other ideas for titles?
Who would ghost it? Jack Dee. He is just dead pan enough.
ReplyDeleteAre there any grounds for supposing it won't be Colin Brown?
ReplyDeleteThe diaries could be sensational and he could make a fortune from the Daily Mail serial rights alone.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, he cares too much what Old Labour thinks of him to dish the dirty.
Fuck it. If I were him, I'd go for the money.
It couldn’t be easier!
ReplyDeleteGet Spike Milligan to ‘ghost write’ it, publish a chapter on the net every week, and call it:
‘Prescott: My part in his download’.
Or it could get more explicit:
‘Deputy Dog: his part in my saddlebag’.
Or worse:
‘Prescott: his part in my……….(That’s enough part lines – Ed) ;0)
It'll be a collective effort by Jade Goody, Chantal, and that Hilton bint. A literary masterpiece and runaway best-seller.
ReplyDeleteBut the real problem is going to be promotional tour and the book signings. I'm not sure there are enough crayons in the UK currently...
I have to agree about blunkers diary its bollox of the first order the man thinks he is the messia, he had the answers to every problem and when things went wrong it wos the tories guv!or the press.I will only soldier on to the end cos it was a present.I will not mention prezzas scrawls to anyone.
ReplyDeleteVery cruel Mr Dale, but your funniest post since the Dallas one when I thought you were meeting Burt Reynolds for lunch.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure Prezza understands what a "diary" entails in order to be published?
ReplyDeleteThe publisher may be hoping for "Reet fine shag in't back of Jag wiv Trace. Flew in't front of jumbo to Dallas to see me mate Anshite. Grand nosh an fizz, sick in't khazi."
What the publisher will get is:
Sept 24. Our Jacko's birthday. 1230 dentist.
I don't care who ghosts Prescott's memoirs as long as I have Joss Whedon ghosting mine.
ReplyDeleteThen I can have 'like basic uncommunicated communication? The things you aren't supposed to know, but do, but also understand you're not supposed to talk about.'
Roger Melly perhaps?
ReplyDeleteI'll take the job. Lord knows, I ain't proud, I lurve a funny accent, and it'd pay off for years and years, blackmailing him with what I left out.
ReplyDeleteCan someone pass along the contact info?
I have a great title for Iain`s memoirs at the end of what I hope is along a glorious career.
ReplyDelete"A Picture of Tory and Gay "
First used on Croydonian in another context I`m afraid. It would be good though .
og said: "Are you sure Prezza understands what a 'diary' entails in order to be published?"
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you understand the geography of the United States of America?
Prescott's mate does not have a ranch anywhere near Dallas, which is on the Texas plains. Anschutz's ranch is in Colorado, around 1,000 miles West.
Shame you ruined a good photo with Prezza's ugly mug. Like making rabbit ears behind the Queen.
ReplyDeleteTracy Emin is ghostwriting.
It would sell better if he started a blog first to get interest in the subject.
ReplyDeleteLet me see.....
The Boy with a one track mind?
Now that Bloomsbury publishers don't have quite as much money to burn (rather than give to their shareholders), I can't see any publisher paying five figures for Prescott.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone famous NOT have a ghost writer these days? Or at least an exceptionally good editor?
Sorry for the earlier mis-spelling - follow this link for "Roger Mellie" ("The Man on the Telly" from Viz)
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Mellie
to find John Prescott's most kindred spirit...
Serf,
ReplyDeleteShouldn't that be "The boy with the None tracked mind"?