Tomorrow night I am the after dinner speaker at the Conservative Future Working Life Weekend in Loughborough. No, really. I'm currently writing my speech, which I've decided to lace with a joke every other line. It struck me that the title of this even is particualrly Cameroonian and that things might have been rather different if David Davis had won. Instead of staying in a nice hotel these bright young things would be sleeping in a tent in Herefordshire at the CF Boot Camp. So this led to start compiling a Top Ten Things Which Would Be Different if DD Had Won. And as the theme of my speech is blogging and the internet I thought what better way than to have my readers write this part of the speech for me! So give me some ideas of things which would be different if DD had won. And they must be funny. I don't want any silly political point scoring. This is the sort of thing I want...10. Compulsory wearing of 'It's DD for Me' T Shirts by all members of CF
9. Introducting of Mug a Hoodie Policy
8. New Party logo introduced of a Hammer and Fist
Get the idea? Ideas by 11pm tonight please!
David Willetts would never have been able to talk to anyone, ever again - in case they mentioned tax.
ReplyDeleteAlan Duncan would be eviscerated.
We'd have been 5 points behind in the polls, not 5 ahead as we are - sorry but it has to be said!
ReplyDeletefree broken nose jobs on the nhs
ReplyDeleteLeader flies to work in a Vulcan bomber followed by "shoe pilot" following in a Lear jet one mile behind.
ReplyDeleteSimon Heffer would have to do some work and think up new ideas for his Telegraph column.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. So no "silly political point scoring", eh, now you're in the pay of His Lordship? Just nice comfortable jokey stuff from reverent acolytes?
ReplyDeleteShame on you. What shall it profit a man if he eventually be selected for somewhere in Essex, but lose his own political identity in the process?
etc,etc. Come on Cranmer, you're better at this than I could ever be.
Shadow Cabinet places decided by competing on a Krypton Factor style assault course.
ReplyDeleteBetter would be:
ReplyDeleteWhat would be different if Ken Clark had won? (This time, last time and the time before.)
Answer: The Conservatives would have won the election. (This time, last time and the time before.)
What is it with the "Death Wish" that comes with party politics?
Sorry it's not a funny line for your speech.
Number plates for cycles?
ReplyDeleteOh. That's Red Ken's already.
Hmmmm
We may find out if DC doesn't establish a decent poll lead quickly.
ReplyDeletewe would be wearing underpants, not boxers
ReplyDeleteVirtually anonymous (sic) - The correct line (craving Cranmer's episcopal indulgence) from A Man For All Seasons would actualy run...
ReplyDelete“Why Iain, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world... but for Norfolk?”
As for the speech itself, well
"ConservativeHome would be ON BLOODY MESSAGE FOR A START..."
springs (unaccountably) to mind.
Real, tangible conservative policy announcements!
ReplyDeletePublic flogging and hanging of David Cameron for even having the cheek to stand against DD!
Compulsory wearing of ties (though not of the not Iain Dale vomit-inducing variety!)
Immediate promotion of Iain Dale..?!
- Charles Kennedy still leader of Lib Dems
ReplyDeleteThursday - Iain gets on the A List
ReplyDeleteFriday - Gentle ribbing of David Davis
Its a slippery slope ;)
All those on the party 'A' list must also be on their council's housing list.
ReplyDeleteIt would be Dave the Rotweiler instead of Dave the Chameleon
ReplyDelete"If DD had won, we'd have an A Team, not an A List."
ReplyDeleteIain, it's time to decide.
ReplyDeleteWhich is it to be, a voice in the land , or a perma-tanned star-spangled A-lister with a restricted vocabulary?
It's you who must make the choice!
[cue huge drum roll and massive studio audience going "Whoooooo!"]
DD would have started hunting for bigger game and bagged the resignation of Blair rather the just forcing out yet another Home Secretary.
ReplyDelete7. Ban on dictionaries and proper words to be 'introducted' at CCHQ...
ReplyDelete:P
Yo ! Dale - 11pm deadline !? You don't want much do you ? Here are a few ideas..Send the chq, payable to A Nonny Mouse, to HowGreenIsMy Valley, Wales.
ReplyDelete1/Tory PPCs with a 'comprehensive' education would be boasting about, rather than trying to airbrush it from their CVs.
2/ Tory PPCs who grew up on a council estate..mm..ok, maybe that one is a bit to extreme for the mo.
3/ Once and for all, this English nonsense about pronouncing Davis and Davies differently would end.
4/ David Davies [monmouth] might be sent 'accidentally' onto the Today programme / Newsnight when the going gets a bit too tough...
5/ Stormin' Norman Tebbit might keep his bloody mouth shut...
There wouldn't be an A-list full of 'mincing metrosexuals'.
ReplyDeleteHug a hoodie replaced by 'Grab a Granny'.
ReplyDeleteIain,
ReplyDeleteI tried, sorry. This is far too serious for jokes.
My father died working for the Conservative Party. He was an agent! I think of what he worked for and the values he believed the conservative party believed in..namely security of the people and defence of the realm. Strong policing and an effective and rigorous criminal justice system. Little control by the state and more power to local governments.etc. etc.
Then I think of what this man Cameron is doing. I saw the last part of Time Trumpet last night and it was brilliant in the way it showed how Cameron was apeing Blair, and although it was a comedy and funny it was very very worrying! ( I do know that had I been in the Lib Dems I would be using that clip for every party political broadcast ending with the words DO YOU WANT ANOTHER BLAIR?)
You are now on the A List! You helped David Davis. You must show that you are your own man and speak up and be straight. You know from this, and other, blogs that Cameron is not going down well and must listen to the David Davies's of this world or the conservative party we know will be split. Worse, in my opinion, than over the EU.
Cameron does not appreciate what the peoples of our wonderful country want. He should be walking the streets of our cities, towns and villages, talking to as many people as he can and then formulate policies that will attract support.
Please do not believe that the tories will just have to turn up at the next general election to win. People may be absolutely sick of Blair but not ready for another Blairite model!
Please be yourself. Be honest and do not try to be a comedian. It is far too serious for jokes. Especially when we have a joke as a deputy prime minister and he is hsowing two fingers to us all.
It is time for the Conservative Party to give us some pride back. Time to take on this rotten regime. That is what David Davies would have done. That is what needs to be done.
I reckon if you spoke from the heart you will go down far better than trying to be Bob Monkhouse
Jamie Oliver tasked with providing school meal recipes containing Chocolate Oranges.
ReplyDeleteIain Dale wouldn't keep banging on about the central importance of the Church of England...
ReplyDeleteThe party might have completed its manifesto policy review...
ReplyDeleteArmando Iannucci would have found it far more difficult to make a film splicing together Blair and a copycat leader of the Conservative party. Hat tip to fantastic BBC TV programme Time Trumpet [Thursdays at 10pm - set the video!].
ReplyDeletehttp://www.timetrumpet.co.uk/
But trying to be helpful.
ReplyDelete1. A return to National Service would be a definite policy
2. Magistrates Courts would be returned to all towns.
3. The National Health Service would be run locally and Regional/National
Administration would be culled.
.
4. Police Chiefs would be elected and all Police Officers would get a bonus for every conviction they achieve. He would ensure that all forces had the word FORCE in their title and there would be a return to Beat Policing.
5. The Armed Services would be strengthened.
6. A Referendum on membership of the EU would be promised.
7. A referendum on the death sentence would be promised.
8. A referendum on the legalising of drugs would be promised.
9. The Human Rights Legislation/ Health and Safety Legislation would be
Cancelled.
10 Francis Maude and Co would be given a free transfer to the Liberal Democrats.
Mo more compulsory public school education for candidates.
ReplyDeleteA Double Diamond could still work wonders.
ReplyDeleteIain, you can not make this speech. You can not be funny, and you can not be serious. You are now between Scylla and Charybdis.
ReplyDeleteStrapworld, whoever you are, I read what you wrote with painful recognition, and complete and utter agreement. This has gone far beyond a joke and we need people of substance to begin to put things right.
Virtually anonymous, are you on drugs or something? What do you mean I can;t make a funny speech or a serious speech? It's an after dinner speech, ergo it's supposed to be amusing. But it's possible to be amsuing as well as informative and thought provoking. Get a grip!
ReplyDeleteThe comments this evening must have made you think. I'm glad you're rattled.
ReplyDeleteAnd how, pray, am I rattled?
ReplyDeleteStrapworld needs a dram and a smoke in then garden, as do I.
ReplyDeleteBut he is mostly right.
I'd certainly include jokes, as the alternative is too grisly for words.
If DD had won, I'd be less sure of a poll lead now but more sure of an eventual Conservative government which did what it said on the tin.
Ask the assembled throng how far they are prepared to adhere to the post-cold war Euro socialist tax and spend consensus, before they wonder why they prefer the colour blue to yellow or red.
Ask them if they want to promise one thing to the electorate now, but plan to practise another in government.
Ask them if they are conservative by instinct or opportunism.
I'm off for that dram now.
A right wing Bromley Tory councillor would ahve lost the Bromley by-election to the Lib Dems
ReplyDelete(No that wasn't points scoring...)
Steady there phone cam ! What is so bad about Mr Hoggart ? He's a sketch writer, and a damn good one.
ReplyDeleteHe takes the mickey out of politicians across the party divides and is particularly scathing about Nulabour.
One good piece of satire about DD isn't that near the knuckle,is it?
didnt we see DD testing ropes on the humber bridge.Is he going to bring back H......
ReplyDelete"A right wing Bromley Tory councillor would ahve lost the Bromley by-election to the Lib Dems
ReplyDelete(No that wasn't points scoring...)" - Duncan Borrowman
No... of course not. You Lib Dems would never stoop to such levels would you. Never.
Nothing like a bit of encouragement from 'virtually anonymous' to give you a bit of confidence on the night before a key 'after-dinner speech'..
ReplyDeleteDear Iain, Apologies for hijacking this thread slightly, but this has to be said.....
ReplyDeleteI am a right wing conservative, and I supported Maggie through and through.
It's about time however that the hard right of the Tory Party recognised a home truth.
Maggie was in the right place at the right time and her policies did a tremendous amount of good for Britain PLC.(bar the poll tax)
BUT THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW.
Anyone who thinks that the Tories can win an election with a shift to the Right needs their head examining. It ain't going to happen. Like it or not DC is doing the right thing. He is not Bliar , and comparisons to him are disingenuous and do our Party a great deal of damage.
The sooner the Tory Party shuts up and lets DC get on with it the better.
WE as a party elected him by a HUGE majority.Thats DEMOCRACY.
WE should support him with every breath in our bodies, not try and destabilise him.
Failure to do so will just lead yet more years in the wilderness.
A stupid question from a floating voter. The Tories lost 3 elections on the bounce under Hague, IDS and Howard. You now have a leader who has put you ahead in the opinion polls. It now appears you are looking for greener pastures. Why?
ReplyDeleteDo you like losing elections ? Do you want IDS, Hague or John Major back ? There is an old Chinese proverb about 'being careful what you wish for....'
11. Jaw jaw not war war.
ReplyDeleteOh no, sorry. Wrong party, wrong era. No. Wrong era right party. I've confused myself now.
Scrub that.
Try 11. Adam Rickitts not Lemony Snicketts.
Iain Dale wouldn't keep banging on about the central importance of the Church of England...
ReplyDeleteHe has? Did I miss something? What does he 'keep banging on about'? Cranmer thought Mr Dale was a crypto-Catholic.
On a related matter, the British Church Newspaper quotes Mr Dale this week (on the Gay Police 'blood and Bible' advert - a story Cranmer alterted him to), and refers to him as being a 'Conservative MP' (prophetic word?).
Iain Dale would be Hors d'Oeuvres rather than Dessert
ReplyDeleteLabour would be talking about Porcupines rather than Chameleons
Double Diamond would be the in-drink rather than Bollinger
Noone would ask which house he was in at Eton
The significance of the name "Double Diamond", is a part of the British Brewing tradition in the 1800's when two diamonds branded onto a keg signified superior quality.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thatsthespirit.com/en/beer/double_diamond.asp
Maggie Thatcher Fan
ReplyDelete11:58
I totally agree. Our people need to work together to get elected. Having policies that only appeal to die herd Conservative voters (like myself), may make us all feel better but there is not a lot of point to it if nobody else is interested. If a party cannot get the support of a majority in an election, it is not going to be in a position to change anything. I believe that Cameron knows this as much as anyone in the party and is trying to do something about it, it is a pity more senior people in the party can't see it. I don't agree with everything that Cammeron is doing but he is the Guy who has been given the Task and therefore should be given support.
I do not think that bringing out rock solid policies at the moment is the right thing for Cameron to do. We have all seen how labour will steal any policy as a short term fix for themselves, then go on to totally distort it and cock it up. Blair can keep up his jibe that he is the only one with policies, this may be true at present but we are all witness to the way he, F***s up, daily. Unlike King Midas of old, everything that Blair touches, turns to Sh**.
To all the Conservative Grandees out there I say this, Blair is making an excellent job of his own Death Wish. When Blair and his brain dead disciples are flushed down th U-bend of history, he will try and drag as many with him as he can. Rise above it all, get behind Cameron, bring in constructive ideas, stop the bickering and sniping, be humble occasionaly. It is our only hope of getting into a position to revive this fast dwindling country.
Why oh why oh why are those whose politics on the hard right (and the hard left for that matter) just so lacking in a sense of humour?
ReplyDeleteMaybe there's latent jealousy in the Tory party for all the press the Blair/Brown rivalry's gotten? Schism envy is unbecoming as well as impractical.
ReplyDeleteUnless there really is a serious challenge to the leadership, with a chance of change before the next election. Iain, do you know something we don't?
If DD had won I would almost certainly have rejoined the Party. As it is there is no way I could possibly support 'Dave' and will almost certainly stand against the local Tory (one of 'Dave's men) if I have £500 to spare when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteI don't want any silly political point scoring.
ReplyDeleteAh the impossible dream, eh Iain. You only have to breathe the name of Cameron and the shriekers come out to play. It's actually amusing to watch.
Here's something. If we had David Davis, Tory women would be elected on the basis of bra size and we'd still look like the party of choice for sexists.
DC has done more to secure the future of the party than many will ever recognise. And he's only 8 months in.
And DAMN I was going to be in Loughborough this evening but now will be elsewhere :P Oh well, good luck and have a ball at the fray.
At any time in political history since the invention of opinion polls, an opposition that was only 5% (at best) ahead of the governing party at this point in the electoral cycle was clearly heading for certain, massive and humiliating defeat at the next general election -- especially if even that tiny lead cannot be translated into success at by-elections.
ReplyDeleteThe unusal circumstances between 1997 and 2005 have caused most of us now to overlook this melancholy fact. It's called grasping at straws. And indeed, it's really even worse than that.
Such tiny improvements as there have been in Tory opinion poll percentages can surely all be put down not to a wonderful new Tory leader but to the disintigration of the Blair premiership: note, not the Labour government but the Blair leadership and in particular his abiding characteristic, which is style over substance.
So given this wonderful opportunity to make hay, what has the Tory Party done? Well, like Andre Maginot and his eponymous line, they went out and chose a leader who is perfectly designed to fight the last 'war', just as the French were finally ready to fight World War One all over again... by 1939.
And just as the Maginot Line was made obsolite overnight by the Blitzkieg, so will Cameron be by the arrival of Brown at 10 Downing Street.
I am looking at this not from the point of view of whether or not I agree or disagree with Brown's policies (I can't even do that for Cameron since he doesn't appear to have any yet -- the very epitome of style over substance, wouldn't you say?) but on how he will 'sell' to the electorate.
And this is where Brown will wipe the floor with Cameron, whom Labour will describe (in all but these very words) as Blair Mark II -- and that will be the mark of (political) death.
So would Davis have been a better choice?. Well, probably at this point in the political cycle he would have made little or no difference, for the reason already stated.
Would he have been better against Brown come the General Election? My feeling is probably not. He has come over (rightly or wrongly) at an uninspiring speaker, a machine politician and a bully. You may say Brown fits that description too and you may be right. But Brown has the advantage of experience, a good track record (at least as seen by the public) and, at the time of the General Election, a change from Blair. I doubt the electorate would vote for another change to an unproved but apparently similar alternative so soon. So, another bad Tory defeat under a Davis leadership.
I believe there are three possible better candidates for Tory leader. One has been (foolishly) ruled out by the party: Clarke. One has withdrawn from politics: Portillo. And the other is whom we will eventually return to in the end: Hague.
Expect a Tory government (at last, after 20 years in the wilderness) with a small majority under Hague, about 2017.
Or never.
As a Conservative supporter of many years it has been so good to have witnessed David Davis get right behind Cameron after losing the leadership race. One even gets the impression that Lord Tebbit is only slightly grumpy rather than slavering and strining at the leash.
ReplyDeleteThese are good days to be a Tory.
One thing that always bothers me is the strange argument put forward by many (anon at 11.59 being a case in point) that because the Tories lost three elections on the trot, they should be happy that a new leader might pull off a victory, EVEN IF WHAT HE IS PEDDLING ISN'T REMOTELY CONSERVATIVE.
ReplyDeleteWhy on earth would I, a centre-right conservative, want a Conservative party elected if it pursued Brownite economics and a Blairite social agenda?
mj martin.
ReplyDeleteNot shriekers sir, TORIES.
You are obviously far too young to understand.
Iain, Perhaps tomorrow (Sunday) you will print the text of your speech.and how it went down. Then I can see how you are thinking long term!
Good Luck
Probably too late for the deadline but my reaction is that if DD had won
ReplyDelete1) Party campaign training courses would include instruction on how to kill Liberal Democrats with your bare hands - but only at weekends
2)Iain would be inviting comments for a speech on "If DC had won"
3) Most of the people who have come up with funny suggestions on this thread would have come up with equally funny suggestions for that one
4) Something which would not be different is that rather too many of the other people responding to the post still wouldn't have a sense of humour.
My serious comment: DD was a much stronger candidate for the leadership than he is sometimes given credit for, but Cameron won fair and square. If we want to get rid of this government - an objective for which I've already thrown away my first £40,000 and would consider it cheap at the price if we'd got them out - we have to give DC 100% support.
But for heavens sake, that doesn't mean we can't even suggest a few jokes for Iain's after dinner speech.
For what it's worth, however much any of us may have concerns about particular things the party leadership has done, DC has already mounted a stronger challenge to Blair than any of the other recent leaders of the party. And anyone who imagines that Cameron's basic strategy is wrong isn't just on the wrong page but the wrong planet.
Remember Tony Benn who thought that the country re-elected Maggie because Michael Foot wasn't left wing enough ? Let's not follow him down the equivalent blind alley.
Ming Campbell would look younger.
ReplyDeleteHe'd be taking holidays at Tora Bora rather than a glacier.
Bliar's position on nuclear would look indecisive.
Norman Tebbit would be calling for more right wing policies. (ok not different)
The countryside would still be where Tories go to shoot things.
With David Davis all his supporters would have been known as The Dee-Dee Men although not all would come from Knotty Ash
ReplyDelete...female a-list candidates would be blonde not brunette...so not doreen d!
ReplyDeleteDC has already mounted a stronger challenge to Blair than any of the other recent leaders of the party.
ReplyDeleteSorry Chris, objectively just not true as I set out earlier. The apparent opinion poll improvements are not turning into real votes at by-elections (and if you can't do that at by-elections, there is zero hope come the general election) and the apparent move Tory-ward is due to Blair being in his bunker and has nothing to with DC.
2br02b said...
ReplyDeleteWell what you said was a load of old claptrap.
Brown is a control freak, taxing everything he can whether it moves or not, means tests everything despite that fact that millions lose out as the elderly don't claim as they ought.
Brown has a complete charisma bypass, DC has charisma in spades, and as for policies, I think DC is very wise not to disclose his manifesto. Labour stole it once...... once bitten twice shy.
Daily EU flag burnings.
ReplyDeletechris whiteside,
ReplyDeleteThat epistle will no doubt get you on the +AA+ list!
If DC does get elected I will book a return ticket to Planet ZOG.
Sadly I feel 12 months from now, even you and your lost £40K,will be calling for Nicholas Soames to lead the tories to power! (right school, right family,right connections!)
Thanks for the advice.
Mandatory Boot Camp for all perspective candidates in the Brecon Beacons.
ReplyDeleteBrown has a complete charisma bypass...
ReplyDelete...just like Major, who nevertheless won the 1992 election.
DC has charisma in spades...
... just like Blair, and a lot of good that's doing him right now. Today, charisma is a wasting asset; I suspect it may even be a handicap.
...and as for policies, I think DC is very wise not to disclose his manifest...
... very wise indeed when he's got nothing to disclose. But that will not save the day: charisma without policies is a sure-fire looser. Especially when the electorate have just had their fill of it.
I'm sorry, but you are confusing what you wish for with what will actually happen.
I, for instance, am not discussing Brown's policies (which I'm no fan of) in this thread because it would be besides the point in this context. -- but at lesat you can be sure he has policies.
If you don't get it right in terms of what is electorally sellable, what you wish for will never happen.
All said and done, politics really is just the art of the possible.
I think the material difference between a DC and DD government would be one letter and a less mumbled presentation.
ReplyDeleteAfter 10 years of a Labour government does anyone have any idear how a GB government would be any different from a TB one. Apart from one letter and a less mumbled presentation?
Maggie Thatcher Fan said Dave has charisma in spades - not where I would normally seek charisma. I'd prefer to see it on the telly, on the hustings, in Parliament where it is not, sadlyl, evident.
ReplyDeleteMessage understood, folks. You guys appear to want a return to Thatcherism. That wasn't last century, it was the last millenium - it's over, she ain't coming back, get over it.
ReplyDeleteKinnockio thought one more heave would do it - he didn't realise that it takes revolution, not evolution to bring change.
I'm very happy many of you are stuck in the past. It may give Labour an 'extra time' victory of the kind that kept Major in power.
You missed the obvious one:
ReplyDeleteIf DD had won, the Tories would still have been members of the EPP...
But everybody would have felt better about it. :-)
I am reading this from America where I am on holiday and laughing out loud. My family think I am quite mad. Three cheers for the British sense of humour and yah boo sucks to those who had to be po-faced about it!
ReplyDeleteLady Finchley - Why does your family think you're "quite mad" for laughing at a joke on the internet? Does your hair catch on fire or something?
ReplyDeleteLady Finchley, you are lucky your family allows you to read blogs while you are on holiday, mine have banned it!
ReplyDeleteMaggie Thatcher Fan, it's time to grow up.
ReplyDeleteMaggie Thatcher saved this country from going down the tubes
True.
About 25 years ago.
But in the process she also effectively has made the Tory Party unelectable (so far) so she's not ALL wonderful.
In any case, selecting current policies and candidates on their Thatcherism or lack there-off makes about as much sense today as basing current policies and candidates today on their adherence or not to the philosophy and policies of William Pitt the Younger.
Who also saved the country.
About 200 years ago.
Tempest fugit.
Welcome to the 21st Century.
As the above I am quite happy to say this. She was a woman of her time for her time.
ReplyDeleteIf David Cameron is not a man of his time for his time in 3 or 4 years time, he will not get elected.
The British people had no idear what a MT government was going to be like in 1979. We just trusted that it must be better than a Labour one, because how could it possibly be worse. I think in 3 or 4 years time, things will be pretty much the same as in 1979. If not we will get more 5 more years of Labour untill it is the same.
"The British people had no idear what a MT government was going to be like in 1979. We just trusted that it must be better than a Labour one, because how could it possibly be worse. I think in 3 or 4 years time, things will be pretty much the same as in 1979. If not we will get more 5 more years of Labour untill it is the same."
ReplyDeleteThat's the best comment I've read on this arguement. Remeber, everyone, that we normally vote governments out not in.
How did the speech go, Iain? Did you get 10 things on your list?
ReplyDelete