Adrian Starts to Dig the LibDems' Grave

So the defections have begun. Adrian Graves, the LibDem candidate for West Suffolk in 1997 and 2005 has joined the Conservatives and is urging others to follow him. He said he was switching sides because there had been "a fundamental shift in both the direction and political atmosphere" with the Conservatives under David Cameron's leadership. Mr Graves told the Today programme that the Conservatives were the only "real potential realistic achievable alternative for regime change at the next election". "The majority of British people recognise that a fourth term of a Labour administration, a weaker one, potentially shored up by perhaps a Simon Hughes-led group of Lib Dems is the nightmare scenario," he said. He said he had respect for Mr Hughes but he was perceived as "left of centre". The former candidate claimed that up to three Lib Dem MPs could join him in defecting, and greater numbers of ordinary members. " There is a discussion around Westminster at the moment that there may be up to three MPs considering their position, and I would understand that," he said. But a Lib Dem spokesman said: "Mr Graves was an unsuccessful candidate at the last general election. If Mr Graves truly believes in civil liberties, in the environment, and in social justice he will be sadly disappointed by the Conservative Party."

Footnote: An ICM opinion poll in The Guardian - carried out before Mark Oaten pulled out - suggested Simon Hughes was the top choice to lead the party among ordinary voters, polling 51% to Sir Menzies' 29% and Mr Huhne's 20%. The poll put Mr Hughes even further ahead among Lib Dem voters, on 62%, with Mr Huhne on 20% and Sir Menzies pushed into third place on 18%. That seems very strange and will send a few shudders down the spine of the exulted Lord Rennard.

George Galloway Escapes Double Eviction

Very sad news that George Galloway won his appeal against the Daily Telegraph. Had he lost, he would have faced a legal bill of £2 million, which would have meant a double eviction tonight - both from the Big Brother house and from Parliament itself. Bankrupts are not allowed to sit in Parliament, you see. I'm rather ashamed to admit it, but I dreamt about George Galloway last night. I obviously need to see a shrink. All I can remember is that he had been evicted from Big Brother and I was in the same room. I asked him for an interview for this Blog. And the bastard refused on the grounds that he would get a lot of money from a tabloid. See, I never liked him!

Well done to the Passport Office

Most of us take great delight in complaining when government departments fail to give the standard of service we expect, so credit where credit's due. Last Monday I discovered my passport had run out so I sent off a renewal form on Tuesday with little hope that it would come back within the three week period they tell you to expect. But lo and behold, what do you think came in the post this morning, a mere 8 days later? Yup, my new passport. Hat's off to the Passport Office. Just a shame it's one of those revolting red EU ones, rather than the British black one. But you can't have everything...

From Brokeback Mountain to Five Live Breakfast

Just got back from a very rare trip to the cinema (haven't been for about 3 years!) to see Brokeback Mountain. I found it rather disappointing to be honest. Very slow and obviously ahem, toned down for a mainstream audience. Not much to frighten the horses in that film! I'm sure it's down wonders for the Wyoming tourism industry though. Beautiful scenery. I keep reading that the number of people who go to the cinema is still on the increase. I have to admit that nowadays I prefer to watch movies on DVD rather than trek down to the local Odeon. Going to the cinema should be an experience, but so often you get very uncomfortable seats, people around you munching their way through the most gi-normous tub of popcorn and giggling every few minutes. Give me my nice sofa and a 43 inch plasma screen any day, thank you very much. And I can fall asleep in the middle of the movie and not worry about someone hearing me snore! What an old git I'm becoming.

Anyway, back to the real world, before I starting shouting "And another thing...!" in a Richard Littlejohn-esque fashion. Tune in to Radio 5 Live Breakfast tomorrow at 7.20 and I shall be pontificating on the art of political lobbying. Betcha can't wait.

LibDems Illiberal & Inconsistent over Explusion

Neil Craig has a BLOG. He is a Liberal Democrat member. He is being threatened with expulsion on the grounds that letters he had written to newspapers and comments on his blog were "illiberal & inconsistent with membership of the party". That's very liberal of them. Reading Neil's blog he seems nothing more than a harmless maverick with both sandal-wearing and 'tough liberalism' tendences. I wonder what criteria the LibDems use for expelling people. I also wonder if what Neil is supposed to have done compares to what Mark Oaten has done to the reputation of the LibDems. I think we all know the answer to that one...

The Cost of Preventative Healthcare

I've always thought that in this country we pay far too little attention to preventative healthcare. It's usually far cheaper than the alternative. Three years ago, when I was 40, I went to see my GP to ask for a full healthcheck, on the basis that having reached 40 I ought to have some sort of "body-MOT". I've always been in good health and had no reason to suspect anything was wrong, but I wanted to be sure. No can do, came the reply. I had a blood test and a cholestorol test but that was about it. So I left it. Someone I know died recently at the age of 38. He found out he had cancer and was dead four weeks later. I don't know if it had been diagnosed earlier anything could have been done, but it made me think. So today I decided to take the plunge and ring BUPA, with whom I have a policy. Yes, they said, they would happily do one for me, albeit not until 27 February. The health check would take two hours and consist of about 30 different tests and scans. And then came the sting. £350! Anyway, I've taken the plunge and booked myself in. If nothing else, I'll have peace of mind. I hope! But I do wonder whether someone might do a cost benefit analysis on giving every 40 or 50 year old a fairly comprehensive healthcheck and weigh up the the longer term costs of not doing so.

Why Would Anyone Want to Go Into Politics?

I'm doing the newspaper review at a quarter past midnight on BBC News 24. So if you can't sleep... and would like to be put to sleep, do tune in! And at 7.10am tomorrow morning I shall be doing an interview with one of my TV heroines, Anne Diamond (albeit on BBC Radio Oxford!) on the subject of "why on earth would anyone want to go into politics?" If you have any bright ideas on what I should say feel free to post a comment, cos at the moment I'm buggered if I know... if you'll excuse the expression...

Should Mark Oaten Resign His Seat?

The word on the street is that the good burghers of Winchester are rebelling and far from feeling sorry for their Member of Parliament, they want rid of him. This is leading to calls from some quarters for him to resign his seat and cause a by-election. The phone lines are said to be red hot in Cowley Street. Lord Rennard will be desperately trying to ensure that Oaten does not such thing but will be making contingency plans just in case. I hope Francis Maude is doing just the same. I'd say it's 50-50 as to whether he will actually pull the plug on his political career. If the gossip on PoliticalBetting.com is true and the "act so vile that the News of the World can't print it" is as gross as we are being led to believe then maybe he will be left with little alternative. The jokes are already in circulation and won't be repeated here, but Mark Oaten would need the courage of an Ox to show his face in the House of Commons at the moment. My personal view is that I hope he doesn't resign and rides out the storm. No doubt I'll be accused of having dubious morals myself for having some sympathy with him, but so be it. He's done wrong. He's been hypocritical. He's deceived his wife and his constituents. And probably much more besides. But an unholy witchhunt seems to be emerging. And remember the last man to fall victim of a political witchhunt? His name was David Kelly, and we all know what happened to him. Mark Oaten is a fallible human being. Let him have the time to recover his dignity, if not his political career.

UPDATE: 7.12pm Oaten's local paper is, according to ITN, calling on him to resign his seat. And he's been called to a meeting of his local party. Hat-tip to Andrea on PoliticalBetting.com

Is This Man David Cameron's First LibDem Defector?

A friend of mine from Yeovil was at a business lunch over the weekend and David Laws defecting to the Tories was the talk of the lunch. And elsewhere, by all accounts. There's no doubt that if David Cameron is to display firm proof of his ability to attract talented people from outside the Party, Laws's defection would be totemic. I'm told he only joined the LibDems in the first place because he felt the Conservatives were too illiberal on sexual issues and had no belief in social justice. The first is transparently untrue nowadays and the whole social justice agenda is at the forefront of a Cameron-led Conservative Party. Come on David, jump. You know it makes sense! And remember, dear readers, you read it here first...

PS I am now preparing to put on my tin hat and prepare for the LibDem comments of "ridiculous", "typical Dale fantasy", "outrageous". Mind you, I did also predict Mark Oaten might be the first to jump. David Laws will be hoping I haven't set a precedent...

Do the LibDem Difficulties Herald the Return of Two Party Politics?

The short answer is no. Or at least, it's too early to say. The manner in which the LibDems pick themselves up off the floor will have a great impact on how they do at the next election. There is a school of thought which believes that Gordon Brown and Labour will be so unpopular by the time of the next election that people will automatically vote Tory to rid us of the "dour one". And as a by product, the LibDems will be stuffed like the dead parrot some of us always hoped they would turn into. Wishful thinking, I'd say. Matthew Parris, however, has a different take...

“Looking beyond the immediate, the future of this party matters tremendously to British democracy. Were Labour and the Conservatives allowed to divide the landscape between them, we should all be the poorer. I know how fear of losing decent, moderate voters to the Liberal Democrats has acted to restrain illiberal instincts among some Conservative politicians. If Liberal Democracy did not exist, an ever-present threat, I doubt David Cameron would have made it to the leadership of my own party.”

I happen to believe that's a load of bollocks. Especially the last bit. David Cameron's election had absolutely nothing to do with the existence of the Liberal Democrats, just as I think David Cameron's influence on Charles Kennedy's demise has been greatly overstated by many in the lobby.

The return of two party politics will depend on two things. Firstly whether and how the LibDems can recover from the traumas of the past few weeks. And secondly, on whether David Cameron's big tent and be expanded into the ground currently occupied by the LibDems and part of New Labour. There's every sign that Cameron's occupation of that ground is no 'one week wonder'. The Sun's Trevor Kavanagh must have been reading this blog, for he too predicted today that one or two LibDem MPs might defect to the Tories over the next few months. This is not just idle Westminster village chit chat, it's being talked about by serious people. And if LibDem don't regard Trevor Kavanagh as serious then that just illustrates the different planet they inhabit.

I don't think it's possible to totally neutralise the LibDems, but what is possible is to turn the orange tide back. I am perhaps the wrong person to pontificate on this subject after my result in North Norfolk but I am in no doubt that there will be LibDem seats up for grabs at the next election and our aim should be to push them back under 30 seats. If I had suggested this in early December many would have accused me of taking leave of my senses. I wonder if in their heart of hearts they are still so sure now. As I say, there's a long way to go, but there are all sorts of possibilities. No one can say politics is boring any more!

Mark Oaten is Innocent Party in Potential Betting Scandal

Is there such a thing as OFBet? Earlier this week William Hill opened a book on whether Mark Oaten would hold his seat at the next election. Bear in mind that when they did this he was still a candidate in the leadership contest and the Rent Boy scandal was still firmly under wraps... apart, of course, to a selection of News of the World journalists and maybe a very very small number of other people. With a majority of more than 9,000 most independent observers would regard the possibility of him losing as rather unlikely...unless, unless there was something that might cause a spectacular downfall. I know nothing about betting and do not partake in it (he says, with a slightly Paddy Ashdown-esque holier than thou moral tone) but I know the stink of hypocrisy when I smell it. Anyone know which body regulates the likes of William Hill so I can ask for an official inquiry and the for the book to be opened? I understand that's the terminology!

UPDATE: I understand from PoliticalBetting.com there were also strange betting movements on Betfair related to Oaten.

Mark Oaten - Who's Next to Fall in the LibDem Scandal Stakes?

Imagine how Mark Oaten must have felt when he opened his eyes this morning before you rush to judge him too quickly. More importantly, imagine how his wife felt. Yes, this is a political scandal of the first order, but more immediately it's a human tragedy. The TV pundits have already been hard at it, some saying they can't understand what all the fuss is about and others asking how on earth he felt he could stand for the leadership of the Party when he must have known this might emerge. Ann Leslie on SKY speculated about the thirst for danger and she's probably nearest the mark. I just don't buy Helena Kennedy's argument on Sunday AM that this has nothing to do with anyone but Oaten and his family. But nor do I think he deserves to be ripped to shreads.

Following on from Kennedy's alcoholism, yesterday's revelations about Lord McNally and now Mark Oaten, there is now undoubtedly an appetite in the media for more LibDem scandals. So if I were someone in a prominent position in the Party and I knew I had some skeletons, I'd certainly be feeling a little nervous this morning. Guido speculates that on this basis the betting markets are shifting from Simon Hughes to Chris Huhne (who, incidentally, put in another good performance on Sunday AM). I'm not sure about this. But remember what the media were like in the 1990s in the infamous Back to Basics episode when the media exposed one supposed scandal after another. It culminated in the rather ridiculous resignation of Tory MP Hartley Booth who had written a poem to his researcher. He hadn't even touched her, yet he was forced to resign as a lowly PPS. I know of one prominent LibDem (not a leadership contender) who may well have cause to be more nervous than others. But LibDem activist and assistant to LibDem Chairman Paul Holmes MP Alex Foster has a slightly more salubrious take on what might come next. On his excellent Blog (which I only discovered this morning) he says this...

Popbitch carried a Lib Dem quickie this week: "Which Lib Dem wannabe leader used to be a regular visitor to a brothel in Paddington where he used to pay girls to shit in their knickers for him, and would then put the dirty pants in his briefcase and take them home?" Given that those are girls, and the Oaten story is about a boy, maybe these words from Stephen Tall tonight "But I am left scratching my head in utter bewilderment that he could have considered standing for the leadership of the party - to succeed a man who was forced to resign because of personal problems - when this story was lingering in the shadows." are going to end up sounding prophetic by this time next week. What a sorry mess. There are skeletons hammering on the inside of closet doors tonight.

On the LDYS Forum, here's a couple of quotes from (apparent) LibDem supporters...

Having sent of my money to join the Liberal Democrats - purchased every single one of the LibDem campaign guides - I now find I have joined the party of SLEAZE! I wonder if Hughes will recycle his 'It's a Straight Choice' slogan from his clash with Tatchel?

Well well well, I said in another forum last week that "Oaten has the charisma of an IT manager from Daventry". Obviously the rent boy didn't agree with me! I don't think this will really affect Simon Hughes as long as he keeps his mouth shut and there's no allegations about his past (or present?).

Susanne Lamido on SuzBlog says:-

I'm more than annoyed that Mark could have had the audacity put himself forward as a Leadership candidate with such a shameful skeleton in his cupboard. Least he has done the honourable thing and resigned from the front benches but that's not the point. After the wave of public feeling surrounding the departure of Charles Kennedy, I don't believe he has been thinking about the Party in anyway but rather more about his personal political ambition which has clouded his judgement. He can apologise all he likes but I'm not inclined to accept it and I don't feel others will be so forgiving either. Surely MP's can't be that naive and not realise the Party is in the public eye and the media will be digging for any dirt they can find on any of our Leadership candidates and front-benchers. My intuition tells me we can expect other revelations.
So before I get torrents of abuse from LibDems accusing me of stirring things up even more it's open season in LibDem Bloggery and I am only reporting what I read!

One interesting question posed on PoliticalBetting.com this morning was: "Had ‘they’ known of the unintended consequences would they still have knifed CK?" Answers on an email please...

The Rise & Rise of Margot James

There's an excellent profile on Margot James on GUARDIAN ONLINE today. Margot is the new Conservative Party's Vice Chairman in charge of Womens' Issues. It's safe to say that her appointment has proved to be a controversial one and some in the Conservative Womens' Organisation are up in arms. Not because she's a lesbian (at least, I hope not), but because they feel that one of their own people ought to have been given the job. They're wrong. Margot is a absolute star. She's beautiful, knowledgeable, has had a hugely successful business career and is just the sort of person David Cameron needs to make full use of if the Party is to reach out to the centre ground and to non-traditional Conservatives. If the 'A' List means anything (and as regular readers know, I have my doubts about it) Margot will be adorning the green benches after the next election. Read the profile HERE.

Oaten Resigns in Rent Boy Sex Scandal

Mark Oaten has just announced his resignation as LibDem Home Affairs Spokesman over allegations of a relationship with a rent boy. The story will appear in tomorrow's News of the World. No one can take any pleasure from this. Sky are reporting that there had been rumours about his sexuality over the years. Well they certainly passed me by. What an awful week for the man. I wonder if it has anything to do with the break-in to his office. I seem to remember that before the Paddy Pantsdown episode there was a break-in in his solicitor's office. Bit of a coincidence. I can't believe what the newsreader on Sky (who has just said - "My instant reaction was when I heard about this was that it was someone else, but let's not go there." He should hang his head in shame. The newsreader, I mean. I suspect Mark Oaten is doing likewise though. Poor man.

UPDATE: Mark Oaten has released a statement: "I have stood down as home affairs spokesman for the party. I would like to apologise for errors of judgement in personal behaviour and for the embarrassment caused, firstly to my family but also to my friends, my constituents and my party. I will not be commenting further at this time and would now ask for some space and personal privacy for me and my family.''

UPDATE 8.50pm: The BBC didn't post this story on their website until 8.15pm. Only an hour behind then, boys. SKY posted their story 23 minutes earlier. A mere half an hour after this Blog broke the story on the Internet.

UPDATE: 21.09: From the PRESS ASSOCIATION wires... A long standing friend of Mr Oaten's in his Winchester constituencysaid tonight that the newspaper revelations were ``a bolt from the blue''. ``I have known the man for eight years, and he is one of the straightest people I have ever known,'' said the friend, who did not want to be named. ``I cannot believe it, the whole of the city is going to be in shock, he is immensely popular.'' The friend, who saw Mr Oaten yesterday, added: ``This is extraordinary, absolutely unbelievable.'' Winchester City Council Liberal Democrat member Ray Love said tonight: ``I had no idea. I have no comment to make.'' But he added: ``I do support him and will carry on supporting him. ``I have spoken to a colleague who also had no idea,'' he said. And Conservative George Hollingbery, who stood against Mr Oaten inthe General Election, said: ``My thoughts are with Mark and his family tonight. ``This is a private matter they will have to deal with,'' he added. Mr Oaten and his family live in the pretty village of Bramdean outside Winchester. But his resignation was not among the bar talk at the village's Fox Inn. A spokesman there said tonight: ``He has been in a couple of times but I would not call him a regular. It has not been a topic of conversation. Mr Oaten's election agent Edward Lord said he had been ``shocked'' by the disclosures. ``From what I know of Mark, I think this was an aberration,'' he told Sky News. ``We are a liberal party and for the party and it's members, Mark's private life was just that. It simply was not an issue. ``His performance, I don't think, was ever affected by any of theseissues.''

NOTE: Comments on this site are moderated. Anyone who posts a comment that is potential libellous (as one or two have done in the last half an hour) should not expect their comment to appear!

In Defence of Yasmin Alibhai-Brown

Now, hold on to your hats, but I'm about to say something nice about Yasmin Alibhai-Brown. Yasmin and I are old sparring partners on various radio & TV programmes and I've always been surprised at how different she is in private to her public image. In person she's a delight and extremely funny, yet she is viewed by many - even on the left - as rather bitter and with several chips on both shoulders. Every article she writes can't conclude without some sort of racial overtone. My partner almost comes out in a rash whenever she appears on Question Time. Sending back her MBE was a particular low point in her non existent campaign to ingratiate herself with the great British public. Peter Wilby, in this week's New Statesman has another go at her, asking: "So why does she irritate so much? I offer without further comment the first sentence of her Monday column for the Independent: "Taking a moment out from cooking a feats for friends last Saturday night, I rushed over to speak at the Fabian conference on Britishness"." Poor Yasmin, will she ever recover?! I liked her so much that I signed her up for a book a couple of years ago, which had the glorious title of SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE... Stephen Pollard seems to have a special dislike of Ms Alibhai-Brown, who he (un)affectionately dubs the 'Yazzmonster'. So cruel. She's actually surprisingly conservative in her social views - in fact, I'm probably more permissive than her. She's very pro family and anti divorce. All I can say is that now I've started doing paper reviews again on News 24 I look forward to the next Saturday night that Yasmin and I are on again together.

Another Kennedy On the Skids

The GOP Blog has a delightful insight into the mind of that old walrus Senator Edward Kennedy, who's always been one of my pet hate figures...

The Boston Herald reports this morning “U.S. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy — who ripped Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito for ties to a group that discriminates against women — says he’s going to quit a club notorious for discriminating against women ‘as fast as I can.’”
When questioned in a television interview on Boston’s WHDH Channel 7 Kennedy denied his membership, but then admitted to still paying dues, saying “I’m not a member; I continue to pay about $100.” Also, Columnist John Tierney remarks in today’s New York Times on yet another blatant Kennedy hypocrisy. Sen. Ted Kennedy and Robert Kennedy Jr., the environmental lawyer, are huge advocates of wind energy, “Just not in the waters where the Kennedys go sailing. Their love of renewable energy does not extend to the 130 turbines proposed for Nantucket Sound. Many other environmentalists consider it one of the most promising new energy projects in America, but the Kennedys are against it.”

Ronald Reagan Remembered

Today is a very special day. 25 years ago today Ronald Reagan was sworn in as President of the United States. It's something all Conservatives should celebrate. A great man, a great visionary, a great leader of a great country. To see a video tribute to him CLICK HERE. If you're ever visiting Los Angeles make sure you visit the Reagan Library in Simi Valley. I spent a great day there about 10 years ago. However, the best Presidential Library is the Nixon Library & Birthplace in Yorba Linda, also just outside LA. I expected to spend a morning there and ended up spending the whole day, and going back for a few hours the next day. Call me sad, if you like. In contrast, the Kennedy Library in Boston is deeply disappointing. Little to see, little content and all in all rather tedious. A few years ago I thought about organising a trip to the US for a group of a dozen political anoraks to visit about a dozen of the Presidential Libraries. I worked out an itinerary but the whole thing would have cost about £4,000 each.

The Question Ruth Kelly Must Answer

Yesterday in the House of Commons Education Secretary Ruth Kelly tried to reassure MPs that none of the ten people identified by her Department as having been allowed by Ministers to work in schools despite being on the sex offenders register were judged by the Police to be a danger. How then does she explain the case of Paul Reeve, the PE teacher from Norwich whose case provoked this entire debacle? The DfES was unable to explain yesterday why Ms Kelly had informed MPs that he was not “judged by the police to pose a current risk”. Norfolk Police, who originally alerted the Headmaster of the Hewett School to Mr Reeve's past, wrote to ministers about the case on December 15, and have now shied away from becoming further embroiled in the political controversy. A spokesman confined himself to the comment that “the law states that if someone is placed on the Sex-Offender Register, we have a duty to risk assess and monitor them”. Ms Kelly told the Commons that none of the 10 individuals in the cases involving ministerial discretion is judged by the police to present a current risk. But the statement invited the question of why all such people would automatically be barred in future. Mid Norfolk MP Keith Simpson complained Ms Kelly had produced “weasel words” and “a blatant contradiction” and warned that she might have to return to the Commons to correct her statement. We haven't heard the last of this.

EXCLUSIVE: The David Davis Campaign Last Supper

A couple of nights ago Andrew Mitchell (DD's Campaign Manager) organised an excellent dinner to say thanks to all those of us who worked on the David Davis campaign. It was held at Gran Paradiso in Victoria and attended by thirty or so MPs and staffers. It can fairly be said that a riotous time was had by all, although perhaps not on the scale of a night out at Annabels. Moving swiftly on, the evening started with a drinks sesh which was dominated by discussions about why Derek Conway was the only person present without a tie. There were also musings about the absence of stalwart supporter David Ruffley, until some unkind wag pointed out there must be a Cameron Campaign dinner on at the same time. The meal itself was regularly interrupted by paper darts flying across the table from the direction of Eric Forth. I speculated that this was a particularly untimely occasion to be securing 30 names. Much tutting all round. Andrew Mitchell made a hilarious speech laced with gallows humour. He showed us a Christmas card he had received with the message A Christmas & New Year Message to All Conservatives from Bob Geldof. Inside were the words FUCK OFF! Andrew was followed by DD who took the Geldof story on a stage further. He too had received the card and thought it a little odd, to say the least, so he called Bob Geldof on his mobile and Bob denied all knowledge. Indeed, he wasn't best pleased that someone should impersonate him. So they collectively decided to report the matter to Inspector Knacker of the Yard. Only later did it transpire that one of DD's chief MP supporters, and a particularly gifted user of Photoshop, was to blame. Quite how true the bit about reporting it to the Police was, I'm not sure - or, quite frankly any of the rest of it - but it gave everyone a good laugh. DD issued a rallying call to everyone to ensure that David Cameron received their full support and this received a genuine cheer. He ended up proposing a toast. Everyone raised their glasses. "To the end of Blairism," said DD. "To the end of Blairism," bellowed everyone else. "Especially in the Conservative Party," shrilled Eric Forth! You just can't keep a good man down! I left at around 11.30, but I'm told a dozen of them were still to be found guzzling at 2.30 in the morning. Good job Andrew Neil wasn't there or Christ knows where they would have ended up...

NOTE TO JOURNALISTS If any of this appears in a newspaper diary column a large invoice will be winging its way to the respective 'organ' and some lucky charity will receive a donation. Be warned.

Whale Spotted in The Thames - Nicholas Soames Rumoured to Have Gone Swimming